On?
Right, I 'll go and get a video, okay?
Yeah I don't know what's on.
Alright.
And er warm this food up again.
Right.
Do you want the telly on?
What you doing Vick?
Eh?
What you doing?
I 'm watching telly.
Are you?
Playing with your teddy?
Ah?
You go building together.
Put it back together then.
You show Mummmy how it goes.
Alright?
There!
You show me what a clever girl you are?
and look.
Ooh!
Ooh ooh ooh!
He's fallen to pieces ain't he?
Can't do it like that can you?
No!
No, oh oh oh!
Mummy go and put the kettle on.
Ee ee.
You what?
Ee ee!
Lee?
Lee.
Yeah, Daddy's picking Lee up.
Yeah.
Oh!
Yes, he's doing the leaves.
Put it in.
Okay.
Ha!
Where's his chair?
Behind you!
Oh yeah!
Hello sausage!
.
That's your brother!
He was crying.
Mummy wants to move the.
Please?
Pour that in here.
I ca oh!
Have you put his er bib on him?
Yeah, I see.
If he's gon na have his
gon na have his er
Put it back!
dinner come tea s
Good girl!
so he didn't eat it all at dinner time.
Yeah.
Good girl!
That's me!
No, it's just the
What are you gon na have for tea Vicki?
And please
Get up!
Please
can I have sausage, bacon and eggs?
Can you hold him up a minute.
Yes please.
What do you want?
Well he's still got his bib on.
Yeah, and I was trying to do it up.
Oh!
No, no, no, just leave it!
No, cos you're no good at doing up!
There are look, like that!
That's it.
There are.
He's funny ain't he?
Yeah.
Ooh my head's gone!
Er ah!
Looks as though he's got his nappy on his head!
Ah!
My headache's gone isn't it?
Vicki look, what you gon na have for tea?
Bacon.
!
What you want for tea?
I like!
You what?
Lee.
Yeah, Lee's gon na have his.
And he's gon na have this now.
I 'll I 'll ki ki Lee.
Yeah Lee.
I 'll.
Yeah, Lee's gon na have his tea, what do you want for yours?
No!
Well don't you want any then?
No.
No?
Fine!
Please yourself!
That's Lee 's.
Yeah, I 'm gon na do Lee's now for him.
Ki ki
Oh yeah!
He
Look at him laughing look!
Hello cheeky!
Hello cheeky!
I 'll collect
Yeah, here's your cup.
Can you stir his food round please?
Yep!
In this dish?
You having tea?
But, oh.
No!
No?
No?
No!
No!
No?
No!
Ooh!
Ooh!
No?
I 'm not moving!
In't she naughty eh?
Your sister naughty?
Yeah.
Did you?
No!
Did you?
Did she?
Vicki!
Er ah
What?
You what?
No!
Yes!
No.
as you're told.
Daddy said yes.
No!
Are you naughty?
Mm.
Are you naughty?
Ha!
Well said no!
No, you're not naughty?
Move!
Move!
I 'm not moving!
Go over Daddy.
I 'll smack your bum!
Cheeky!
Will we eh?
Shall we smack her bum!
No, it's not yours, it's your brother 's.
Shall we smack her bum?
Hey?
There!
Like that!
I want Mummy!
You gon na have your tea?
Are you?
Daddy!
How much do you want in?
Well not very!
Got ta be a bit thick!
Ain't they, eh?
Can't have it all runny
Aha.
can you?
That 'll do!
Cheeky!
that 'll do!
Shall I add all that round the side which went all hard?
It's alright!
Put it in.
You've seen it
It's not the only thing that goes hard you know!
Shut up!!
Oh yeah!
Eh eh!
Ki Vicki 's.
No it's
Your
not Vicki 's!
It's Lee 's!
You 'll
Ha ha!
I know, I just had some of it!
Oh yeah?
Yeah.
It's not yours!
Now go away!
It's your brother's in n it?
This is his only, this is first week on so
We try and
Yes you can.
This is only his first week on food like this.
Dinner then.
No.
So bog off!
Mummy will do your tea afterwards.
Where is where 's?
Well she's going round to Mum and Dad 's.
Well she obviously knows.
Gary!
I can't feed her without
Vicki!
blooming!
Come on!
Come on!
How can I feed him on this!
Do you want the rest of your crisps?
Er no!
No!
No!
No?
They're all
Ha!
Oh oh oh!
What do you want, a glass of lemon?
Or lemonade?
No!
No, don't want that.
Lemon.
Yeah.
Lemon?
Daddy.
Come on then!
Go on then, Daddy 'll get you some.
And ask Daddy
to do Lee a bottle.
Yeah.
It's alright.
Will you do him his bottle as well Ga?
Yes.
Then you have your tea, eh?
Vicki!
Ah!
Oh oh!
Lemon?
Daddy!
Or?
Come on then, let's stiffen it up.
It's mine Daddy!
Yeah!
Come on!
Want this?
Alright.
That's better.
Daddy.
It 's, da Daddy.
Oh!
There we go!
Come on then!
Alright now Vick?
Vicki?
Are you alright?
Yeah.
Hey?
Ah.
Mm!
What does that mean?
Yeah?
Then to go where they are, yeah?
Yeah.
Coffee?
Yes please.
Who's coming tomorrow Vicki?
Di
Is she?
Is Di coming?
No I don't think so.
Nanny.
No, nanny's not.
Oh yeah.
No, who do you go shopping with?
Ganga
Granddad, yeah.
Is Granddad coming tomorrow?
Yeah.
Is he?
Pick it up!
Ganga car.
You go in his car do you?
Yeah.
He ha ah!
What do you do when you see Granddad coming down in his lorry?
What's that?
Can I put the water on?
You don't need it on!
Like like that!
I've done the washing.
Bath bath!
Yeah, you can have a bath later.
Yeah!
Daddy take you?
You have a bath after you've had your tea and then you go to bed.
Daddy take you after tea?
What do you do when you see Granddad coming down there in his lorry?
What do you say?
He don't come down there now does he?
No.
What do you say?
He doesn't come down there.
What do you do?
What do you say?
I know
Granddad!
Granddad!
What else do you do?
Go and get me your book then?
Where's your book?
I want
, you won't like it!
Did you have a card?
She said this morning.
A card?
Yeah.
No!
Birthday card?
Oh yes, from Nicky!
She says she's going to come round and see me some time.
Which one.
Er the bottom bottom one nearest the stereo.
In the unit.
Mm mm.
With the bell in it?
I can't see it.
Is it up there?
That's the one.
Next to your Mum 's.
We will be seeing her, seeing, we're going out aren't we, in a couple of weeks time?
Well, we don't know yet do we?
What day is it?
Well it's supposed to be the second week in March that Lyn and Gary come down.
Oh your Dad said he'd be alright to stay here.
Who did?
Your Dad.
Did he?
Oh I think so, yeah.
No!
I ain't asked him yet!
Aye, he said to your Mum cos I thought she said might she'd have them again.
No!
It's too much in n it?
What?
Won't hurt her Gary!
Or your Mum?
Yeah, but they're decorating aren't they?
Well they're not for another two or three weeks!
How do you know that?
They've already started!
It 's.
No, it 's, they just started the kitchen!
Started the kitchen.
Yeah, and he's started the kitchen.
I don't think you want that do you mate?
Is his bottle ready?
Yeah.
Yeah, can I have it, he don't want this food.
Try it first bottle.
No it 's, when I phoned her, went and saw the other night.
What night was it?
Tuesday night weren't it, when Dad was here?
Yep!
I phoned her up and er
Is this ready for wash?
Yeah.
I phoned her up and she said they'd started decorating lifting the tiles off on the kitchen wall.
Are they?
Yeah.
That's why he don't know when he's gon na get round to see Kevin.
Ah yeah!
He said it might be tomorrow night, it might not be.
He might pop round tonight.
Well they might do but I 'm, du n no wouldn't like to say.
Cos Mum didn't seem to think when she'd be down with him doing that and then they've Di's bedroom to do.
Is he drinking that?
Yeah.
Well seems to be.
You put the top on right haven't you?
Yes.
Coffee madam!
Ta!
Oh!
Mm!
I 'll have to put it here.
I've got some
Put it there look.
touch it.
No, cos I want can you pass me the ashtray and the fags.
Thank you.
Mummy can have a fag now you're not eating it.
In fact, can you stop doing it on the.
Yeah certainly!
I 'll let you finish your fags.
Oh yeah, not up there
Well I du n no where
cos of Vicki.
you wan na put it!
Prefer it to be down there then I can you stay there!
Can I put me slippers on?
You've got your own drink haven't you?
Oh yeah!
I I.
Alright mate!
Hold on!
Er er er!
it.
Go on then, drink up!
Good boy!
And where are you going?
Get me your book then Vicki?
No.
No, not that one!
Go and get me your little one.
Where's the red one with the toothbrush and that in it?
Eh?
Is it out in the kitchen?
Yeah.
Well go and get it then.
Ask Daddy to get it.
Oh oh!
What's that?
She wants her book off the top.
?
Yeah.
Those miniature books,?
Mm.
Er er.
Come and sit down there and do it with Mummy.
Sounds dirty!
No!
She goes through the book don't she?
Tells me who's got shoes and hat and coat and everything.
Right!
What, no, you can't do that!
Now you can.
Here are then.
Move your bag over there.
Hello mate!
Right, come on then look!
Ooh!
Right, Mummy turn the pages over and you tell me what they all are.
Oh!
What's that?
Cat.
Cat.
And who's got a cat?
Ganny.
Granny.
Er, I don't like that!
I know you don't like that, it's a panda.
Pinka
Panda.
Choo choo!
What's that?
Er a teddy.
Oops!
Train.
It's what?
A train.
A train.
Good girl!
And who's got a train?
Vicki.
Yeah, Vicki has!
Yeah, it's over there in n it?
And what's that?
There.
Yeah, but what is it?
Baby
Baby boy.
That's right!
And what's that?
That's a brush.
Brush.
Comb.
Comb.
What's that?
Toothbrush.
Yeah, it's a toothbrush in n it?
You clean your teeth with that don't you?
What's that?
Shoes.
And who's got shoes?
Di!
Dianne has she?
Yeah.
Well I think most people have got shoes Vicki!
What's that?
Socks.
Socks.
And what's that?
Boots.
Boots.
Who's got
boots?
Fly.
Fly has has he?
And I.
And I!
And Daddy.
Yeah that's right.
And what's that?
Daddy's got boots.
Coat.
Coat.
And what's that?
Hat.
Hat.
Who's got a hat?
Carl.
Carl.
And what's that?
Shish.
You have your dish don't you and your
Spoon.
spoon for your tea, yeah.
And what's that?
Cu
Cup.
What's that?
Teddy.
Teddy.
And what's that?
Dolly.
Dolly.
Mm.
She can't answer it!
What's that?
Ball.
Ball, yes!
And what's that?
Kick it.
Yeah, you kick the ball don't you?
You kick with a ball, that's right!
What's that?
What's that Vick?
What's this?
Car.
And what do you do in a car?
Go out?
Well what's that?
A cow.
And how's a cow
A cow.
go?
Moo!
And who's got a cow?
Nanny.
Nanny has.
And where's
That
nanny 's?
cow.
Nanny's got a cow on her fridge ain't she?
cow.
I know what's in there!
I spot check!
Cheeky little sod!
What's that?
A cat.
No!
Sheep.
Sheep.
What's that?
Horse.
Horse, that's right!
And what's that?
Ah.
Hen.
Yeah.
And what's that?
Cat ah.
A cat.
Good girl!
And what's that?
Little dog.
It's a dog in n it?
Ke
Uncle Kev and?
Sa
No.
And Aunty
Samma
No!
No!
Uncle Kev and Aunty?
Ang.
Ang.
And who else has got a dog?
De Kevin.
Where did we go for dinner on Sunday?
We go to Aunty
Shello
Shelly.
And Uncle?
Right!
And who's car did you go in?
Uncle?
Phil 's, that's right!
Phil 's.
And what's that?
Mhm.
Lee goes in that does he?
He goes in a pushchair don't he?
Yeah!
What's that?
Chair.
Chair.
And who's got a chair?
Vicki.
And what's that for?
What do you use your chair for?
Tea!
Tea, yeah.
And what's that?
Baby
Baby what?
boy.
Boy, yeah.
And what's that?
No, baby?
Boy.
No, that's a baby boy and that's a baby?
Boy!
No, what are you?
Baby.
What are you?
A girl.
Girl.
Baby boy.
And what's that?
Tree.
Tree yeah!
And where are the trees?
That's right!
Outside aren't they?
And what's that?
Flower.
Where's Mummy's flowers?
Where are Mummy's flowers?
Up there look!
Aren't they?
And who bought them for Mummy?
As Aunty Pam would say there's Mummy's coronations!
Oh yeah!
Yeah, Aunty Pam can't say carnations can she Vicki?
She has to say coronations!
Yeah.
What's that?
What is it?
She can't say carnations!
Boy.
Boy.
And er?
Girl!
Girl!
Girl.
Shoes!
She's got shoes on has she?
I 've.
What have you got on?
I've shoes.
Shoes?
Yeah.
No, what have you got on?
Pop-ons.
You got your pop-ons.
And what's that?
Truck.
And what's that?
Bricks.
Bricks.
And who's got the truck and bricks?
Vicki.
Yeah, Vicki has!
What's that?
There.
Yeah, it's over there in n it?
That's right!
What's that?
What's this?
Erm book.
Book.
And what's that?
. And what's that?
Say it again.
A bag.
A bag, yes.
And what's that?
Keys.
Keys.
And who's got who's got keys?
Granddad.
That's right!
And what's that?
Clock.
Watch.
What's that?
Lorry.
No, it's not a lorry.
What is it?
A bus.
It's a bus in n it?
And what's that?
Car.
A car, that's right!
Alright, so what's this?
Orange.
Orange.
Good boy!
And what's that?
Apple.
Apple.
You want pudding?
And what's that?
Orange.
No!
Nana.
Nana.
Yes!
And wait for it!
What's that?
Bath.
Bath.
And what's that?
A duck.
Duck.
Soap.
Soap.
So soap!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Bloody hell mate!
Who's got wind?
And what's that?
Boat.
Boats.
And that's it!
All done!
Good girl!
Good boy!
Yeah.
Your brother got wind!
No!
Yeah!
Oh no!
What's that?
That's a rabbit
Bu
in n it?
And what did Mummy have to do
Good boy!
with your rabbit?
Mm.
Is that better?
Yeah, your cuddly rabbit that er Aunty Nicky bought you for Christmas weren't it?
Yeah.
It's in your bedroom in n it?
Mm.
Mummy!
Mummy!
Yeah, what darling?
Mummy!
Yeah, Mummy put it away
Tickle ickle ickle ickle ickle!
didn't she?
Tickle ickle ickle ickle ickle ickle ick!
Yeah.
You're not to be frightened of it you know.
What's that?
That's cos it's
like Thumper in n it?
Like she's
Yeah.
got?
In n it?
Pardon me!
Look!
Another rabbit look on the telly!
That's like that one in n it?
A orange rabbit.
Well if Daddy turns the telly over can watch Edd can't you?
Yeah.
Edd.
E
You don't have to turn the sound up.
Here are, look who's that?
No it's not Neighbours!
Not yet!
It's it's Abers.
No it's not Neighbours!
Who's that look?
Who is it?
It's E
Edd.
And who's got Edd?
!
Who's got Edd?
His eye looks sore.
Does it?
Edd the Duck in n it?
Who gave you your Edd?
Ja
Jason did did he?
Yeah.
And?
Who bought your other one?
No!
Mum
No!.
didn't!
Mummy.
Mummy and Daddy.
Oh.
Mummy bought it for Daddy really!
And it's Abers.
No, it's not Neighbours!
Not yet!
Ah.
Yeah, you 'll see Edd again in a minute.
Yeah.
Ooh!
Oops!
Right in the old left
Oh!
yeah.
Was that funny?
Mm mm.
That hurt me!
Was that funny?
Ah, it was.
Does your Dad know you've come home?
Jimmy was gon na let him know.
Oh was he?
So you didn't say anything this morning?
He said gon na try and last up to, I said well I've got ta go so I 'll see how I go but I was shaking I just couldn't!
What did your Mum say then?
She give me some T C P pastilles.
Is that all?
Dad give me wha what he had in his truck as well.
I thought they were for sore throats and things Gary?
They are.
Well you haven't got a sore throat have you?
Mm.
Oh you have!
Hello mate!
Are you cheeky!
Had a sore throat for a couple of days!
Hiya cheeky!
Oh Mummy
But it's not just the sore throat, it's when I cough it hurts all over.
I forgot to ask your Mum yesterday, Dad wants two films getting before next Saturday.
Oh yeah!
For Di's do.
Yeah.
But he says he's gon na pay me on he's gon na give me the money on Tuesday
Shall I get her to get them tomorrow?
Eh?
Shall I ask her to get
No!
them tomorrow?
No, cos sh I always give her the money beforehand.
So on Saturday I 'll ask her if she can get them Wednesday for me definitely cos then you can I can get the money off Dad Tuesday you can give it her Wednesday morning, and then I can pick them up Wednesday afternoon when I go over.
But as long as she don't forget Ga cos I won't see her, well we 'll see her on the Saturday but it well I suppose that 'll that won't make much difference will it?
I suppose we could have them then.
Provi he wants to put them in his camera and that see, so
Mm mm.
Oh!
Yeah, what is it?
Are you going in the bath later then?
Daddy take you for a bath?
Mm.
Mm.
Not yet though.
No, not yet.
All have some
We 'll have so some tea first.
We 'll do tea early seeing as her Daddy's home from work.
Put the fire back on again soon.
Oh no you 'll have to.
No, leave
I've gone cold again!
Eh!
Ah!
Mm.
Ah!
Ah!
Oh yeah it's hot in n it?
Cold.
Mummy.
It's not cold!
No, warm.
Warm is it?
Mm.
Look cold his hands are closed.
You been in the bedroom haven't you mate?
And you the heater's not on.
I ain't put the heater on.
Oh ain't you?
No!
It's warm.
It's warm is it?
Yeah.
Where is it warm?
In there.
You what?
Warm.
Warm?
I see!
Ah!
Warm your hands up don't you, when you're cold?
Ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh!
It's
Can you do it Mummy.
Do it to Mummy.
That's it!
Ooh what a smile!
Rub my hands together.
Smile for Daddy.
Cold.
Am I cold am I?
Can you smile for your Daddy?
Ah!
Can you smile for your Daddy?
Pardon!
Vicki!
Oh Vicki!
What was that?
Hmm!
Mummy.
Oh dear!
It wasn't Mummy!
Vicki.
Yeah, it was you weren't it?
Sounded like Mummy!
my Mummy nice.
Is it?
Yeah.
Really?
It 's, Daddy.
Granddad.
Is it?
Yeah.
Alright then.
That was Daddy.
Really!
I du n no what you're saying!
I've
What are you trying to tell me?
Cough it up!
Not like yesterday.
You're not gon na be sick are you?
I kiss you.
You dirty little devil!
No, Mummy you!
It wasn't Mummy!
It was you!
I made Mummy.
Mm!
Really?
And
What do you think you're doing miss!
Now what you got?
You ain't got a dirty bum have you?
Oh!
weren't very nice!
You smell!
Did it?
Have you?
It is very
Hello mate!
nice.
You need a bath!
A bath!
You need your face washing
He can have one tonight as well, yeah.
But I I
Oh God!
You don't wan na clean your teeth do you Vicki?
It takes you about three hours!
Are you going in the bath?
Yeah.
Well I know you are!
I want with Daddy.
Daddy's going to take you is he?
Yeah.
And Mummy.
No, I 'm not!
Daddy.
Mm.
I, Lee.
Lee's gon na have a bath is he later?
Yeah.
Shall we get some sausages out then darling?
Go on then.
Haven't drunk my coffee yet.
I 'll do it for you my love!
Oh you bloody creep!
Oh.
What are you doing?
How many
I just
do you want?
You're doing.
Only four.
Oh, and you better make it five cos
And me!
Vicki can have one.
Aren't we having
Well don't yo you don't want anything cooked do you?
Do, yeah.
We got ta put them in the deep fat fryer.
Oh no!
It's not worth getting that out is it?
I du n no, it's up to you.
No, I wouldn't
It's just as easy in n it?
No
.
Get them all in one go then.
Mummy, my Mummy.
Yeah.
Get them all in in one go.
Mummy you.
I've left the lot out.
Yeah.
Mummy, my Mummy.
You want five do you?
Mhm.
Well what are you trying to say?
Yeah.
It's
It's up to you, what do you wan na do?
Wan na get the deep fat fryer out or not?
No.
No, okay
Erm
then.
Put them on a plate, right?
Yeah.
I said that!
Pardon?
I said ah er er.
Do you wan na sausage sandwich for tea?
Daddy!
Daddy!
Okay.
Then we have roast tomorrow night can't we?
Yeah.
chair Daddy?
Mm?
A chair.
No, you won't go in your chair yet!
I 'll wait for Daddy.
Mm.
Er!
That's twelve out, okay?
Ah
Bloody hell!
I thought you were gon na have the bacon?
Well I 'll have a bit of bacon as well.
There's not a lot of bacon.
Can you get some tomorrow?
I 'll haven't I?
Dad, Daddy!
Day Daddy.
Well I didn't get any last week cos there was still a lot, lot in there Ga.
Well taken a lot.
Has he?
Are you talking as well?
Eh?
And me!
You what?
That's boy.
That's Mummy's coffee!
Leave it
alone!
Don't get them same time will you?
Keep your eyes off!
You won't ke get all them under the grill as well as the bacon.
Yeah.
Mm.
Ya.
Will you?
Eh?
Ya.
Thought that was Dad then, but it's not he's at work.
No Vicki!
You won't get all them
No, don't do that!
under the grill will you?
Sh
As well as the bacon?
Do the bacon with the in the erm frying pan.
Shall I whack it under the grill now?
No, not till after.
play.
No, leave him Vicki!
He don't wan na be lifted up!
Think we eggs? weren't they?
Say
We 'll leave it.
Say train, play.
Pick his bottle up Vicki please?
Want some more?
No, go and take it out in the kitchen for Mummy.
More?
No I don't think he wants it!
No.
Yeah.
No.
It's okay.
He don't want it!
More.
Give it Daddy darling.
Give it to Daddy.
There.
No, give it to Daddy.
Ah!
Give it Daddy.
Ah!
No it can't go up there.
No, give it Daddy!
Ah!
Here are, Daddy take it out in the kitchen.
Ha!
No?
No.
Oops!
Ooh God!
You sat on him!
Ha, ha ha ah ah!
You give him a kiss now cos you sat on him.
Look!
Mm?
Will I do tea?
Not yet!
No, nothing like that.
She's trying to put that up there Gary.
Right, Daddy do it?
There you go!
Yeah.
No.
Shall I give your brother a kiss cos you sat on him?
Good girl!
Sorry!
Sorry!
Sorry!
Yeah, she's saying to him.
Good girl!
Yeah.
Where you going now?
You just laugh don't you mate, eh?
Come back here.
Sorry!
Sorry, yeah alright, you said sorry!
Sorry!
Oh!
Sorry!
Sorry!
It's alright in n it mate?
Come back here!
What you looking at?
What have you seen?
No, oh oh oh oh!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
Don't kick Vicki!
Oh look Vick!
Look what's on the telly!
On our telly look!
Vicki!
Vicki!
I was gon na clean my tank tonight Jean but I suppose that's
Mm?
Don't kick Mummy darling?
It needs cleaning though doesn't it?
It does need cleaning,!
Peepbo!
You tired mate?
Ooh mind your feet Vick!
Peepbo!
No.
Don't want any kicking!
Daddy 's.
No, it's not Daddy 's, it's that lady's in n it?
Yeah.
That lady brought it
Yeah don't touch that!
didn't she?
Mummy.
Yeah, well you don't touch!
It's not ours!
Daddy.
A lot of money that!
Lady.
Yeah, that lady brought them didn't she?
Mm.
That's right!
Mm.
Was she outside was she, in a car?
Is she gone?
Have a look see if she's gone.
Ga this blooming cup's all sticky!
Mm!
With his food!
Mind you don't fall!
Has she gone?
Who can you see out there then Vick?
Er, a lady.
No, that lady's gone ain't she?
Oh!
Yeah.
She 'll be back next week.
Yeah.
And back.
Ooh!
Oops!
Ooh bloody
Oops!
hell!
She nearly
You alright?
went!
Ooh ooh ooh!
Ooh ooh, what have you done?
Nearly fell didn't you?
You're silly aren't you?
Mm.
Are you silly?
A yeah.
Yeah?
Daddy.
You watch you don't fall!
The lady.
No, the lady's gone!
Is it snowing out there?
I she ah,!
Leave that on tape.
I quite like that.
No, don't turn it up!
Ah!
Ah!
They 'll make up some
Ah!
you can still er
Ah!
Ah!
Ah, ah, ah!
follow it cos, they probably don't
Ah!
You have to make up words from the letters that they've er but in that order.
Like that erm erm I can't think of any!
Er
Big words?
Well no!
Could be anything at all.
But they've got ta be in that order.
H L T
Like it's got ta start with a P, then it's got ta have a P before the, before the H.
Mhm.
If you see what I mean?
Mm.
Me and your Mum sitting doing one on Wednesday.
We're a bit we're a bit thick!
Then again they don't give us enough time.
You could do with like, longer.
And then it's er this is Catchword, then at half past
four it's Countdown.
Is this how you what as he got
Daddy.
little glasses.
Mm.
Lady.
Lady.
Yeah.
I don't think Mummy's got ta get up now cos I 'm stuck on the floor!
It's all gone.
!
I,.
Mind your brother please.
Nice?
Yum yum!
Can you hold that a minute for me while I get up?
Ta!
Cor!
Oh these are quite good!
Anagrams or something.
All of Red Ben is er there are!
Alfred Noble.
It's alright when they bring it up on the screen and then tell you.
Ooh!
No!
Put him down!
No, Vick you don't pick his up!
Gently!
I 'll come back for you Vicki cos er.
Ooh!
Beep beep a minute!
Is that all the way round?
To er Gary
turn the tape over in a minute, alright?
Daddy!
Daddy!
Daddy!
I 'll chuck this food in the bin Gary
Okay.
Mummy!
Ah!
cos it's not worth, he can't eat that again.
Shouldn't have really warmed it up the first time.
Ee!
Ooh dear!
I here.
Where's your dummy?
It's there somewhere isn't it?
It should be there.
Is he sat on it?
Have you sat on your dummy?
Oh, I 'll go and get it, it might still be in in the in the car.
Yeah.
I put it in!
No, I haven't seen you, I ain't seen him with it!
Not while, not since you brought him in.
.
I 'm just gon na go to the
No not with Mummy darling.
Are you ready?
Where's Mummy going?
Pee!
Where?
Pee.
Pee.
Going to the toilet.
Ah, Vicki.
No, you stay here with Daddy.
No Vicki!
Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing!
Ah!
Oh!
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
You alright?
I 'm going pee, pee!
A pee!
Eh?
A pee.
Mummy.
Erm
Put it together then.
!
Put him together.
Put together.
Watch you don't fall!
Bye!
Bye!
Oops!
!
Sorry?
Pee.
No it's not a potty.
There's your potty under there.
But Mummy's gon na change you in a minute.
Yeah.
That's it!
Gently!
Just do it gently like that.
That's it, press, that's it!
That 'll do nicely won't it?
That's nice in n it?
Yeah!
That's it now, no, no harder.
gentle my love.
Ooh!
Ooh ooh ooh!
Baby!
Baby!
Gently Vicki!
What's on tonight?
What do we dance to?
Top of the Pops!
You and Daddy dance?
Yeah?
Tonight, bop?
You bopping?
Are we gon na bop?
Yeah.
Yeah!
Yeah!
We do don't we?
And who was on last night?
Boxing.
Can you box?
Yeah!
Yeah.
No, not on your brother!
Not on your brother I said!
No!
Poo!
Not on your brother!
Leave him alone!
Box with Daddy don't you?
On Lee?
Yeah!
Are you alright Jean?
Who's this coming?
Mummy.
Mummy.
Mummy.
Mummy.
Do do do do dee do!
The lady.
Ah, ah ah!
Oh!
Oh!
Yeah okay.
Ah!
Is it still going Gary?
Looks like it.
Yeah, it's nearly finished.
Mm.
I se see Helen, Mum might be going tonight with my er prezzie.
They might come and pick up the.
Yeah.
Well they might do mightn't they?
Cos I didn't see her yesterday.
Look at those the marks all over the the window!
After that man cleaned them didn't he Vicki?
Oh!
Pity they can't do inside as well!
What's she sat on?
Oh!
put on with it.
Oh well she must be sat on her potty!
Oh just
She wants changing first.
Oh oh oh oh!
Yeah I know.
I 'll do her in a minute.
Put the fire back on eh?
Mm.
I've gone cold!
Mm.
It in't very warm in the bedroom I 'll have to go and put the heater on in
Mm.
there after tea cos
Yeah.
of Lee going to bed.
I 'll do it now.
Alright then.
Those jeans are on there but they won't hurt.
No!
Oh!
And er
Ah ba!
Ah ba!
Oi no!
If you do Vicki and Lee if we do Vicki and Lee then we can put the water on when they a when they're having theirs.
Can't we?
It's a bit early yet Ga
Yeah.
That's that erm Dartmoor Wildlife Park, that's Dartmoor or wherever it is!
When he was little he was sat in his buggy
Yeah.
his lunch.
And she got ta showed down
Fifteen bits and then
from on top of a
Now that's right!
building.
Yeah.
Right on top of him and it turned round and smacked
Oh!
him in the face and he's never liked them since.
No, leave the sound!
You can listen to it without the sound.
Why, what you got on?
Ha!
This!
There's ashtray there.
Oh well aunty Julie's had a little boy then Sam?
Yeah I know.
Could.
No, you're not allowed to have it.
Yeah exactly eight pound.
Eight pound?
That's quite big in n it?
Not really.
Not seeing the size she was.
No!
And they said it was gon na be a difficult birth and that cos
Can you see the spikes?
baby isn't she?
Yeah.
Just see them can't you?
didn't she?
I thought she was really lucky though!
Mind you don't bang your head.
Alright?
Yeah not bad for trainers as well in't they?
Yeah.
Normal
Lee!
normal trainers but they just got spikes in them.
Seventy, about seventy five pound a pair!
So he's gon na do it cash?
Well the chap came yesterday
Watch!
when
Ouch!
Exactly!
she was on her way into town see
Ahhh!
Well I don't know which turns out best
And she came out a you know seeing who was going in
Ah ah ah ah ah!
They know when.
and Phil went round there yesterday afternoon.
Fifteen quid for this.
And she said that she'd had the baby she was great.
How many am I losing?
Yeah but, and she should of phoned, did she?
She did!
Well yeah, we had a
And if you wrap them round the
Supposed to be going down there this afternoon but
Well should have won
oi!
the shoe.
Yeah.
They had a bit of bad luck they reckon it was
Oh, yes I know.
He sat in seven minutes didn't he?
We 'll just drop the kids over Beryl's and er
And leave them, leave with them
don't they?
Got to just pop into town.
Okay.
What's that?
Oh Malcolm does like turkey so we 'll have turkey tomorrow.
Yeah, I couldn't get one down Co-op yesterday, they didn't have any.
Well they did
Well chicken.
You could either have a ten or a twelve pound
No, not that.
one
You not getting them and all?
or you could have a
What about you?
I got ta cook chicken for them.
Or you could have a
No!
piddling little chicken
No!
for about four pound
You don't get nothing on them chickens?
cos only had not ha, I thought no way!
At least I 'll give you, who's gon na bet
right, who is at first place tomorrow, they're bound to be two, first of the day, so
I thought well in town you can get about they have er a big turkey.
I 'll go and get one this afternoon.
And I've got ta get erm
No!
It's your granddad's birthday in n it, on Tuesday?
Urgh!
Sit down!
Yeah.
I 'll get him a card.
Vicki!
Well I 'm only
Stop pulling her hair!
I 'm only giving cards out because as you know nan doesn't bother with birthdays
Yeah sit er!
Terrible!
Them two!
Pulling hair!
Well you're pulling, you little bugger!
And I suppose I better get er Carl's birthday card while I 'm at it.
oi!
You saw that card
I brought for Andy didn't you?
Oh I didn't show you it.
Just come this way.
Have a swinging birthday
Take this take this
no, it's your birthday have a swinging time on
Come here!
and then inside it said got ta make sure you give in any no, let's hope you you get
Up you get!
what you've got!
Yo you've got a.
Get Julie a card as well.
I should thrash her!
I ought to go to the party.
Oh I think I've got one.
Oh yes.
Yeah, it's a lovely from erm Avon for Anne.
But er be fine for the baby and everything.
And where else?
But er
That's right, yeah.
where do you put your
so I ordered a so many
mum mum!
That's right.
hotel.
Not quite there.
Get that hat.
Cos I said.
Yeah she used
to nice.
Ah no!
No!
nought point ten and going up point two of a second, that is fast!
Yeah.
Have you got ta get a card for Julie as well?
First leg look.
that's what's
Yeah, Vicki bought a birthday card for nanny when it comes round.
what I reckon, easy that, that easy to get that far outright.
uncle.
There are!
New baby.
Oh and it's blue as well!
Yeah.
I knew I'd got one somewhere.
That's from
That's the
I got a wedding wedding day card there
that's the one.
you don't know anybody that's getting married do you?
I think that 's.
And our boys been there haven't they?
Canada.
Oh right!
This is fixing it in n it?
There was a
Aha.
charity match.
Got one haven't I?
Come on!
No.
No we, well you know I bought
You you get the handle
who's some of that for?
you get, hold onto the handle no not there!
Erm I'd like to see whoever wins this.
Erm making a car!
Can't wait to see their face!
Well my mum got it for
What, whichever gon na get mi, if somebody, they get a medal don't they?
Well mum, mum got me this when
It is
cos a friend of mine had a baby and we thought it was gon na be a boy and she had another bloody girl!
First!
She'd already bought the bloody card!
Cos there's only three lots been down in't there?
Four.
Oh well the French.
then aren't they?
Can't go any higher.
Stu, they 'll go down now look, you watch!
Oh, they're second!
A ca car go down.
A car!
No it isn't granddad.
They're in the house now.
A car!
What?
Shut up!
Mummy!
That 's.
Yes.
That was Vicki's
Eight point one of a second!
car!
Mm.
Yes.
It's my granddad's in n it?
Yeah!
And Vicki's
Seventy six.
!
Wait!
They're getting slower!
A A key a
Ah.
Ah key ah key!
How can you?
He Ah!
Which one's that of ours?
The second England soon in n it?
Yeah.
the first.
Daddy!
They were ninth weren't they?
Well they ain't gon na stay there long!
We got all the big blokes to come yet!
They got Vanden
Yeah.
What's his name?
Hang on a minute!
Out the way a minute!
Oh oh!
The German?
Popoloff, no what's his name?
Er
Popoloff!
Hopa.
Hopa.
I wonder if Hopa will get out of that?
They got bars up their sleeves in't they?
The Hopa's of Germany.
Andy Pandy for What was that?
That's a new one.
A slip.
Well it's a
I see!
Mummy!
Mum!
Oh full points!
Mum!
Mum!
Cor!
Not good!
Or watch Kirsty.
Oh well it should be fun now, Kirsty!
Oh well
Tell.
Kirsty and Sam the other night, they were punching shit out of each other weren't they!
they plenty of ti, they got plenty
Where are they now?
It won't be all Kirsty now, they're in one already!
Germany.
Carl will speak to Michael now.
Well di, did Andy want a boy?
No!
He wanted another girl didn't he?
No, he wanted a boy.
No, cos Julie wanted a boy and Andy wanted another girl!
He wanted a boy!
Well why did he say to me he wanted a girl?
I done, was having.
Cos she was something one night, well said yeah that she wants more than, he wants more than two.
If it was a girl
!
he'd have a
if it was another girl he would have another one.
Vicki!
Yep!
Gently!
I know you!
Be nice!
Ooh ooh ooh ooh!
Vicki!
Gently!
You little sod!
oi!
Go and do it with your dolly, go on!
Where is she?
Go on I 'll go and get her.
That's sick!
Disgusting in n it!
Mind your foot Vicki!
Come here!
Keep still Vicki!
Mind the chair!
Oh God!
It's her!
What is it about hair?
She didn't hear us!
Nearly!
She did! oi!
Gently!
Oh!
Give her that back!
Gently!
Go and play!
Go on then!
No!
Get off!
Well let go then!
Give it back to Stephanie nicely!
Come over here!
No!
Who come see
Yeah.
you last night?
Di.
No she didn't!
Fifty eight point
Nana and granddad.
What is it gon na be?
Di!
No!
Take fifty three.
No!
Who come to see you?
Fifty five
Granddad.
fifty six, fifty seven, fifty eight
Granddad
No, who's got a blue van?
Well
That's three in one is it?
No Pete!
Just the three.
Three in one.
Pete?
Uncle
Three in two.
Stuart.
I got three in one to come yet!
Banda!
And they Hopa yet, for Germany.
This is Havvaher.
Gerald!
Gerald.
Gerald.
It's all on that fall.
No this is one
!
Yeah but is that Canada one or Canada?
No you're not having any sweets cos
It was Canada, was it Canada one or Canada two?
Yes my okay.
Joe give, oh yeah Joe will give you sweets won't he?
Ah!
I like pee pee!
Give me!
Yes, yes we
Upset.
gon na get them now.
Yeah?
Go on then you 'll be able to see mummy from work.
Granddad.
I've been up the bath.
Oh yeah.
He come home Thursday.
Here are Phil.
That's what?
Has he got that thing going?
I don't wan na make.
Yeah I think so.
Nanny!
Yes.
What?
Why have you got the sound up on the telly then?
Philip!
Cos I 'm listening to the kids.
Philip!
You and the bloody telly, he sat there with the ashtray in his hand and all bloody ash is falling out the bottom!
Just rub it in.
Who's that?
Here are.
I du n no.
Is the guy with this?
Yeah.
This is the Hopa, this German man.
Weeee
No, this is a Swede!
You got a nappy on!
Bander.
Oh!
No.
They've already won a two man bobsleigh.
Ha!
oi!
Yeah, that fucking England should have won that!
Well yeah but that's life in n it?
Fucking so, Grundy, fucking
The
lost it all!
They're having fucking!
Thorpe wasn't too bad.
For the first leg he was
Oh it's cold in n it?
Yeah.
And really windy do you think?
The course was crap!
That man coming to do
Here are look!
my windows again Thursday.
But I but I
Mm.
hit eye.
And what about?
You don't like him do you?
No.
Which one?
But they keep it.
They keep the lead
Well
don't they?
And they don't.
Here are!
Most of them get back into it in a big way.
Come and clean my windows and I owed him from the last time.
That's why they do it in the middle but it's
Go on!
the first still.
Car!
Come and look!
Ooh ee!
Mm.
Gone.
He's harmless thought ain't he?
Yeah he's gone.
I sit a mummy.
Don't you think it's horrible round here?
Ooh!
That is, this.
But he won't do them now!
Not only that, if you paid thirty pound you could go down there couldn't you?
Ah mummy!
There's a
Yeah?
I mean he wanted
Ah.
to keep them
Ah.
.
!
Mummy!
They're not interested in them
Yeah?
now cos.
But the thing is you won't
They're seconds
The thing is
So where's England?
England's been knocked right down now haven't they?
Seventh.
Hey!
Vicki!
Vicki!
But erm but the thing is they ca, they co the blokes don't have to behind don't see that much do they?
They got their head down, see that
Right!
Play with the other one Sam?
Here's Hopa!
See they got they're head down all the time.
Have to get out one of them dolls Phil.
Gon na have to get one of them dolls, she loves them.
Yeah alright.
Alright.
He's got hasn't he?
Oh yeah.
Play with the other one!
Look!
Play with that one!
That one's nice over by there cos it's got the long hair.
Yeah but one's not gon na fit!
Yep!
I knocked out by four.
I 'll play er Germans.
I 'm waiting for you.
Germans.
Even wait outside.
German's off!
Mummy!
Ah!
Vicki!
Where's she's going to?
Where's she going?
Not me!
You're not to come down until baby!
Aye?
said so.
Fifty eight point one.
What about the baby look!!
Mm!
Eight pound!
Ooh!
That's a weight of
Did you tell her we 'll wait here?
I 'm waiting here so
But ma mummy!
Don't you think so?
We left off eight pound and
Mummy!
at three and a half months!
Yeah, I mean personally.
She.
She.
That's right.
It 's!
Oh you want in that do you?
Think so.
Right.
No!
Going in all over that's the position anyway!
There are Phil
That's from last night.
if I give you that four.
Alright.
Vicki!
Mm mm!
Wee wee!
Is that for me?
That's for your sister.
There you go!
Oop!
Had my
Ah shit on my foot!
cos I was late.
Wee wee!
Do you see Brookside last night?
No!
No cos he don't let me watch it!
Crap!
You don't!
It wasn't me last night!
That's crap!
Why don't you watch it?
last night.
Urgh!
Hello!
It was good!
Then I do normally watch it with you.
You didn't watch it last night.
Only Mondays.
Your lying again
Well
again to me!
I 'm not allowed to Wednesdays cos your mum don't watch it on a Wednesday!
Well that's nothing to do with me!
You can't blame me
Oh that's nice!
then can you?
Can't blame me for that!
Er end of.
Cos she was would she? cake
Who?
Cake?
No!
for her birthday.
Yeah, a big cake.
Got her some.
Said Happy Birthday
Well na
we, they the cake and er she wouldn't wouldn't sit down so Terry kept saying to her right now what you doing?
She said, hang on
Wee wee!
a minute!
They come right up.
Called us all in the lounge and gave us a
bottle of Taboo
back in with her, like.
and about that much left in the bottle so er
Seventy mile an hour.
went and got the lemonade so I was tipping it in, so Terry goes, he goes I 'll have it all!
Urgh!
Throw us a drink!
Yeah.
Yeah, one point two.
Gerald come in and he said you been on the piss already?
I said am I hell!
I said I got ta be bloody sober!
You didn't you get?
You got cake as well then?
Yeah!
Bought me a chocolate sponge thing.
Oh Gary and me and
I feel
her and Vicki had a piece.
And he said, yeah take what.
And I said, well I 'll put it back in the fridge and she said no, she said take it home she said
Yeah but
I bought it for you.
when you're thinking about it it's not even a second out.
What's wrong with her?
So then she come round and she said I don't even do this for Karen!
Another one down there.
She said Karen wouldn't be very happy if she found out!
Ooh yes!
If she finds out.
I said, but who's gon na tell her?
Who me?
It's a lot in n it Ga?
So I thought well I 'm not!
What?
It's a lot in this in n it?
Yeah.
Yeah!
And then she said er when she
All that!
come home from work she said I've been looking round in Boots and that for you, she said er I've decided, she said I was gon na get you a gift voucher.
Twice you've just I 'm watching you two!
for for Marks and Spencers or
Ah?
somewhere like that she said, but I've er decided not to, she said I 'll give you the money on Saturday if that's alright?
Only.
You mean what I said
So I said er but I know you're off to Torquay on Friday with Di, cos that's him hinting, thank God it's out!
So she said er
After calling me a bastard and all this now
so she I, I 'll sort you out
on Saturday!
So
What
Ah!
next Saturday?
Ooh!
You love them really don't you?
So she said er it won't only be fiver cos she said
Oh yeah!
you can't get a lot with a fiver.
Yeah.
So I thought well!
Put it back!
Probably five pound fifty!
Yeah!
Yeah!
I thought about that!
Listen no wonder he's world champion he can go afford to skiing, his dad's a multi-millionaire!
But er no, we were talking and she said if I give you the money you won't go and spend it on the
Yeah.
kids will you?
I said, you got ta be joking!
I said, I normally do
He's loaded ain't he?
but I said no, this time I said
He goes for it don't he?
not likely!
Yeah.
Mm.
With Vicki just having her birthday she's got all she needs now isn't it?
Well that's it and.
But she hasn't got a helicopter.
You leave him alone!
Leave him alone!
I want a!
?
No, I 'll go and spend it in one myself.
That's alright.
You 'll have to off to do something like that, communal
I want a wee wee!
And Di will be really pissed off
Anyway
by the time we've walked round
all them shops!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh ooh ooh ooh!
Just there on the last
No!
ain't he?
I want a wee wee!
Well how come
Yeah they're just showing some of the mistakes as well the windy down.
Ooh!
Here comes the
I want a wee wee!
I want a
Sammy wants a wee wee!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
You fellers I 'll get up!
Ooh!
He's gon na do the sound effects!
Down down and out.
Wee wee!
Wee!
Wee wee!
See him.
No, no.
Do it yourself!
Yeah, he's alright.
Go away!
Yeah!
Go away you!
Go away!
Well won yesterday
Aye!
to the, the
No!
But th
Wee wee.
No, you don't want a wee wee cos I have to go.
A wee wee!
No, you don't!
You got a nappy on!
Ooh!
Oh a big miss of that gear though in n it?
Where's daddy?
Where's daddy?
Bet your popular with Nanny!
I am aren't I?
What is it?
Get up!
You love it really don't you?
Oh, what?
The hole in the head, ain't you?
Yeah.
Come on Phil!
Alright then.
It's alright Phil, I 'll have him.
You mean aye?
Yes, his next month out of his wages!
Listen to me!
Shut up!
Can't get no birthday money out of him!
Who?
Hurry up Phil!
Any of yours?
What thing?
You shouldn't put there.
Yeah, but yeah I do say so!
Come on daddy!
Tomorrow morning, go down to Marks and come back for my wages.
Oh that's alright then.
My twenty five percent here cor that 'll be an expensive month!
I've already had mine.
You 'll get this and nothing more!
And you
Wow!
will get this and
for twenty five pounds, aye?
Well I'd better go and get changed hadn't I?
Twenty four!
Yeah.
Shall I go and have a wash now?
We're ready then?
We're ready!
I've only got ta change
Ready?
him.
Just have to.
So we 'll see you later!
Yeah.
What time?
We 'll be about
No I was to co
There's no black.
Yeah!
That's right.
Oh yeah!
There's no black.
Got the there?
We can still play
Yeah.
play with bank and then erm
Right!
Kick arse!
We're gon na kick arse!
Who's first then?
Cor he's just the same!
Dot with, go fir don't we?
Yeah.
Whoever gets the highest dot can go
Can I borrow your ashtray?
clockwise from there.
Here are.
Are you two keeping the ashtray?
No.
Alright?
There the I better grab hold of it.
I got one here.
Oh he's got one.
Ooh pardon me!
They're gon na wonder what the hell they're listening to, ha!
Right.
That's alright.
So I Gary, got ta swap tapes alright?
Don't be swine!
What we doing then?
Ten thousand pound.
So, you found a new one is it?
It's only half there.
He had it going for a while.
I know but that's
I 'll keep my eye on it.
that's only side B in n it?
Yeah.
Mm.
Yeah, cos I su
Yeah it is.
scrubbed out all the erm the bath antics and all that!
Couldn't hear nothing for splashing!
Come on then!
It's what?
Where's the start?
Your leg ke kept
Erm
knocking against the side of the bath.
There!
Start of graduation, right.
I 'll be the little house then.
I 'll be
Gary's
the re, I 'll be the
Gary's the boat are you?
if you like?
I 'm the ca, I 'm the boat, yeah, King rat!
Well that's it.
Oh thanks
Oh the
Phil!
Trouble is our bath Ju it's not big enough we 'll get a bigger bath
won't we?
Mm mm mm.
Saying nothing!
Go on then.
Mm.
I can't see all the way over the way tu tu
Four
Aye?
Is there a lighter over there?
If it's double do I get a second go?
Du n no.
No!
No!
Don't you get two goes for a double?
No!
It's not like Monopoly then?
Yeah when you start the actual game you do.
Do you?
Oh so as I get another chance then?
No you don't!
Not on this one.
So I got four.
Now you can have a go.
Is this for highest score?
This is who
Yeah.
starts
Have you been?
No, Phil has!
Well, he's going that way ain't he?
He's cocked it up!
Don't matter well
Alright!
Alright!
You start first!
No you don't go
Ah, only cos you got a low score!
No he's his counts as four.
Seven.
Seven.
Right.
Mm mm.
Going clo, clockwise?
Doesn't matter which wa, that is clockwise!
Don't matter
That's right!
So, you were doing it right you prat!
Six.
Phil was right!
Mm.
And then whoever gets the highest starts on there and goes clockwise.
Four.
Four.
Oh
Right.
yes!
Gary!
So it's Gary
Right!
You.
going this way in n it?
Going that way now?
Well that works out alright
No!
anyway Ga Gary had seven
Erm
and you had six.
No!
Four, four.
Clockwise!
Have I got, I 'm going that way.
Is that the way it goes is it?
I don't know which way you go!
Clockwise!
Which way do you go?
I would have said that way.
Well you normally go
No, I'd have said clockwise.
normally go clockwise don't you?
Yeah.
Cos you don't start right next to those don't go straight across the racecourse.
Right here we go then!
that way don't you?
Stop the chit-chat!
Let's go for it!
Seven.
Don't forget it 's, no cos it's a.
Gift from dad, collect a hundred pound.
What do you say?
Oh you big head!
I missed that!
What did you say?
Oh hold on!
What are we gon na
Don't forget it's
do?
You got ta go round
Two
once!
you got ta earn two things and
Yeah?
five thousand pound and either a the diploma or a membership.
That's right!
Before you can go up.
Yeah.
That's right!
And then
Unless you land
five
on that.
Unless you land on
So it's five thousand
and two for that one, and ten thousand and two for that one.
What are we setting the end for?
Fifty thousand?
Well it says the No!
No, cos you only have to go round five times don't you?
Ten thousand.
Don't matter!
You do it as you says don't you?
Unless you set a time or something.
Cos then go
It can't be ten, I mean you collect ten thousand as you
Every time you go round, so that's five times round.
Yeah, but that's why we done it though weren't it?
Or didn't you wan na do it like that?
I don't mind!
Cos you got ta set a target now before
Yeah.
Well we've only got
we start.
one thousand anyway!
Two thousand.
Yeah, you need five thousand to get up into there.
Aha.
And then you need ten thousand to get from there to there.
So, twenty thousand.
Well you lot make
No!
Cos you only have to go round twice cos you collect ten thousand when you pass there!
And
Say twenty thousand!
That's ten times round in n it?
Up to you!
Yeah, that's easier
Say
cos it's only a small board in n it?
Hundred thousand?
Still takes a while though dun n it?
Cos you keep going round!
Say fifty thousand.
Alright, fifty.
Fifty thousand.
Alright.
Ooh!
About quarter past nine at!
Do we want the five on or not?
No?
No.
Just pass.
Got ta go round once before you can buy.
That's right!
Mm.
Same as thingy.
Is that the same on all different games?
Yeah all board
Yeah.
games in n it.
Same with Monopoly or
But even when you go up you got ta go round once before you buy as well haven't you?
Mm, I suppose.
Mm.
What's that?
Mm.
A, yeah you got ta say you're going up.
You say yo
Mm.
I 'm going to the higher class or whatever
Yes.
it is.
Yeah, you say it after one go and you go up to the next go don't you?
Is that right?
No.
Six.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
Your go Ga!
We've all got the same money.
Started off with a thousand pound, two thousand pound.
No I 'm not, no it's not that I 'm thinking of.
Ten.
What's that?
Nothing exciting!
It's a beauty shop.
Twelve.
Oh shit!
Oh I wanted that football pools!
Got eighteen and a half today on the pools!
Six, seven, eight!
Lot of score draws in that weren't there?
Lot of no fo
You have a go on that.
Lot of no-score draws weren't there?
Now then, I can't remember what do you do!
Erm
What's that?
You can make that and put down as much as you want and then you roll the dice.
Mm.
Then you got it more than three times.
That's right, you can only do a pair or something.
Oh!
Is this your pairs?
Normally seven or an eight in n it?
Well what yo, it's up to you in n it?
No, that was what we used to do weren't it?
Yeah, we used to, yeah.
Well, cos I 'm a bit I ain't got much at the moment, I 'll have hundred pound on
Two.
seven.
Go for it!
On seven.
Get three attempts don't you?
Six
Yeah.
the first time in n it?
Yep!
Yep!
Throw three.
Two to one, and then one to one.
Shit!
Nine.
Nine!
Three.
Whoa!
Five.
Where does that hundred go then?
In the bank.
In the, in the bank.
Oh right!
Does dun n it?
Yep!
Do you remember?
Yeah.
I think you put it in the middle and then so like
Seven.
if you land on a certain square you can keep it!
No that's only
That's what you do in Monopoly!
If you put all the fines and that in the middle if you land on free parking you can keep it.
What's that one say?
Collect wages, two hundred pound.
Yeah, you ain't gone past it yet.
No!
It don't matter!
Don't matter!
Should have it when you land on it.
Like there,
Or if you go past it.
Then you try and get you see.
Collect wages.
Ah, you got ta go past it to collect wages.
Nine.
Ooh ha!
What's that?
Well away from the wedding!
mine.
from mine.
From the wedding you can go straight up can't you?
Yep!
But then you're absolutely skint when you get up there if you go straight
Mm.
away!
Two, three why you got ta get some money before we go up there then?
Well you haven't got to!
If you land on it you got ta go up!
Eight.
Six, seven, eight.
Eight.
Pardon me!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven eight.
Yeah.
Four.
Phil used to wait till I landed on the wedding
What's that?
Collect
Good night at bingo collect hundred pound!
That's what you'd like in n it Phil?
Pat took home erm
Yeah I heard about this.
four hundred and twenty five quid she won!
Yeah, the other week
Did she?
weren't it?
And they shared it
last week.
between them weren't it?
No.
Am I having two dice?
One, two, three, four, five, one, two, three, four, five.
No it's not to go together is it?
Or is it?
No!
Don't know.
No!
And that was, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
We 'll have to arrange that Phil.
!
Eight.
Steal most of the food!
Want some more?
This lovely!
I ain't drank it yet!
That good is it?
It's there look!
Still ice in there as well, you might as well have them!
, inherit two hundred, miss a turn business lunch.
What does that mean?
You inherit two hundred pound and you don't get your next go!
Go on then!
Have you found out any?
Somebody's died see!
Somebody's died, that's why!
Phil?
What?
Found out how granddad is today?
No.
My go?
Mm mm.
That's four, now someone's gon na go.
And Gary's dad wouldn't know!
You got ta land on that to get
Yeah you miss your next go!
No!
You got ta go
No!
pass it.
To pass it.
So you got two hundred?
Mm.
Mhm.
Stop here!
Graduation day Phil.
And you can buy now.
Mm.
Oh!
We could all buy now couldn't we?
No!
Phillip can't cos he's got ta miss a go!
I can't.
Your go.
Oh my go is it?
Eight.
Eight.
Eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
You can start buying now.
Olive's Jewellery.
Er a hundred pound.
Quartz watch, a hundred pound.
Hire purchase is twenty.
You haven't got the cards though have you Shel?
Yeah.
Yeah go on then!
Or even if I haven't, Oh I've got them haven't I?
Cos you pay me that!
Ha!
Ha!
Thank you!
So what do you get all the cards from?
Got ta have two of the cards
Need that first.
and the money, and then a diploma or a membership card to go up.
Yep!
Just two of the cards?
You don't have to have them all at one time?
No.
Just
Yeah, but what happens if there were som, if somebody landed on it?
Du n no!
Nothing!
Oh nothing?
It's not that?
All you got ta do, you got ta get from there to there to there and the one who gets there and gets a hundred thousand or whatever it is in n it?
Fifty thousand we set it up to.
Oh!
Fifty thousand.
They win don't they?
They win!
Is it fifty thousand?
Yeah, it's enough in n it?, mm mm mm
Remember I used to go
mm mm mm mm mm mm mm.
up to there, I always used to land on a bloody divorce!
Black's Art Gallery, I 'll buy it!
Well we haven't got the cards for that but you can still buy it and I 'll give you a credit card or something to use instead.
Yeah, whatever!
What is it, twenty in n it?
So if you just use it like that then at least it shows you've got a card.
Hundred.
Hundred!
Hundred.
So it is!
And you get twenty back don't you, when you sell them back to the bank or whoever?
Four.
One, two, three, four.
Ooh I 'll buy one of them!
You can make the cards
What's that?
Fifty pounds worth of tuition.
Cos I need one of them, that 's, what's that, a membership or a no, it's a diploma in n it?
Right, I 'll have one of.
I need one of them.
Seven.
One, two, three
Yeah!
four, five, six, seven.
Ooh twenty times
Put
twenty times roll of both dice!
Both dice?
Bloody hell!
No!.
Want a big one here!
Must have three or four now.
Twenty, twenty
Oh bloody hell!
Three.
Twenty times?
Three.
That's only sixty in n it?
Sixty pounds.
Yeah, twenty times roll of both dice.
There you go!
I get
Thank you very much!
You've had that all time though Ju, ain't you?
Five.
What's that?
Low scores when you come on that one.
Yeah.
Used to have that wi
Stock exchange.
That's that one.
The person on your left throws it for you.
Gary.
Yeah.
And what
So if you wan na put like a hundred or something on
It's up to you what you put in on the sto, stock exchange.
then Gary throws it
Go on then.
and he can have up to three goes.
Like, if he gets two you lose all of it but if he rolls a twelve you get your hundred pound back plus ten times that amount.
So what number do, do I have choose a number?
You don't choose a number.
You don't choose a number?
That's right!
No.
No, he don't choose
You just throw it.
a number you just throw it.
He's put in a hundred so whatever you throw
Got ta work it out then.
You know how to do this girls?
Mhm.
Just one go?
No, you can have up to three goes.
Four.
Lose a third of your investment.
So that's er yeah.
Seventy five quid.
What do you wan na do?
Do you want me to go again?
I'd go on it.
But change that
That 's!
Oh shit!
That 's!
Thirty five.
No he don't have to go for that
No.
does he?
He can, yo can, you get three goes at it.
He don't have to pick
Oh!
he doesn't have to go for that.
No I've got three goes.
You can, you ca you
He's got three goes.
You got three goes.
And it's up to him
And it's up to you.
Do you wan na go on
Go again.
and see if I can get higher
Go again.
for you?
Go on!
Six.
Six.
Six.
I got six.
Lose a quarter of it.
No, go again.
You 'll probably a twelve!
Nine!
Nine.
Nine!
Plus equal amounts.
So you keep that
Plus.
and you get hundred pound of that.
Jammy bastard!
My go next.
Twat dice!
Mike used to do that
didn't he, to me?
I used to lose
all mine!
Not very good!
But though is it?
What's that?
No, how many have you gone?
I went.
Mm.
Gon na have to start changing up the hundreds cos we've run out in the bank.
He can go up now!
He can go up if he wanted to couldn't he?
Now, there's five of
Change this.
mine.
No cos he hasn't
One, two
got erm
three, four, five.
he ain't got two
Cos I 'll have a
two cards or a diploma or a
Change that
membership.
Does anyone else wan na change up any hundreds cos we're erm getting a bit short!
Ha!
Got loads of them here!
Oh yeah!
Big head!
How many did we start off with?
I've got
Four.
I've only got four.
That's alright.
Six
And I've changed that five
seven
of mine.
eight
Plus five.
nine, ten.
I got ten.
Well you don't wan na change them all do you?
No, I 'll change five.
Alright?
This gives us some more back in the bank.
Make sure it's only one I 'm giving him!
Another there's another five.
How many does that leave you with then?
None!
Yeah but you wan na keep some in case you land on the
In case?
stock exchange.
I've got ta get my two hundred first
Shel!
haven't I?
Did I just
I just gave you it!
Oh did you?
Shel!
Aye I just give you
five so how can you
give me two hundred?
Yeah, that gives you six.
Mm!
Ah!
Ha, ha ha!
I didn't
Honest Phil, yeah!
I didn't.
Hold on!
Gary's given five, I gave five, and there was one left in there so that's one, two
Oh aye!
three ooh, three
No, I've only got this!
four, five.
That's Gary's five, that's
That's Gary's five in n it?
Three, four, five.
I know you!
That's my five.
One, two, three, four
no, that's mine!
And you give five!
That's right.
They're trying it on again!
Two hundred.
Another hundred, that's that's how it was before?
Yeah.
Oh!
That's right, sorry!
Thank you!
Sorry!
Cor!
Trying to con were you?
Well I counted ten!
Aha.
I like you!
How, how can you have ten?
Aye?
I've been round once more than you?
Cor!
I 'll have a go on that!
No, I had that hundred didn't I?
I had that extra hundred for the erm
Oh yeah!
for granddad or whatever it was or something weren't it?
Granddad's birthday or something.
Go for eleven.
Ooh!
Will you now!
How did they get so far in front of me!
Oh!
Throw them off the board on purpose and, you know you lose all your money!
Shall I take both of one of them?
Yeah.
You pass it to the two blokes.
The only two blokes in the game.
Do you want that or eleven?
Eleven.
Don't she?
Aye?
Right!
Throw the dice off the
Ooh!
table twice
Oh Gary, shut up!
you lose all your money and give it to me and Phil!
!
Is that right?
Well ain't bloody on is it!
They are!
We used to gang up on our Ju, didn't we
Ooh!
darling?
Five to one, so that's only five hundred quid in n it?
Hm mm.
Ooh ooh!
Jammy devil!
I like this game!
That weren't fair really because
Three.
you cheated then!
Ooh!
One, two, three.
I 'll have one of them!
She cheated Phil didn't she?
That's why!
What's that?
Membership, fifty pound.
Ooh country club!
Oh she's going posh!
How did they get in front?
Well you had to miss a go
Yeah, but I was
You did.
You miss a go.
I was up with you lot then.
No, you missed a go because of you got that two hundred pound.
Yeah, but I was still up with them two!
Cos I had the highest score.
Yeah, but you're a go and we've been to.
Did you want any, anybody want any crisps yet or not?
No I haven't even finished
There's some crisps down there!
my sandwiches yet!
Seven.
One
Pickles there!
Pickled onions if you want them.
No.
Get the pickle out then.
I can't buy it cos Gary's gone up.
You can!
There's more than one!
There's more than one.
Buy it then!
Buy it then!
They're gon na think we're a right bunch of swearing pigs on there!
Is it still going?
Mm.
Alright if I smoke?
No, because I've
Right!
Who's go is it?
I've
Gary's go.
Did quite a bit of it
It's your go Ga!
this morning didn't I?
That's why you didn't hear any of the bobsleigh cos I had the bloody thing going
just as a dummy run.
Yeah, and I thought you said that you'd scrapped all that?
No, I started again didn't I?
Didn't I Phil?
Cos, who was it who said to me are you taping us?
Cos
Me.
Yeah.
Yeah, I thought something was going on cos you left the sound
Ten.
down.
Six.
One, two, three, that's right, four.
What's that?
Green furniture.
Yeah go on, I 'll have a bit of that She!
He's got ta get two of one
Hundred pound.
type.
Ooh a microwave oven!
Ooh a microwave!
Eight.
I've always wanted!
No!
No.
Two of anything in n it?
It's not er two of just one
No, it's two of anything.
two of anything Phil.
But you've got ta have either a night school or a you got ta have a diploma or a membership, plus all the money.
I know!
Oh she's got
No, you got a microwave!
I thought you had to have both?
I was gon na say, I 'm
No.
honest, I was gon na give
Only one.
it to you.
Is that and?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Why you take it off my pile did you?
No, I couldn't reach your pile!
I know I've only got two there anyway!
I think?
Yeah.
Ooh eleven again!
Shit!
Why couldn't I have had that last time!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, ah!
Dum, doo doo doo!
Where do I go to?
Over there.
Divorce!
Yeah, that's what I land on nearly every time!
She's gone up now.
Aha.
Oh shit!
That means I got ta sell this back!
I was gon na say and change you
How much do I want erm
Yes, you got ta that.
You just give them back don't you.
No, you can sell somebody
No.
who needs them.
You can sell to somebody that wants them.
Anyone wan na bid for it?
No, I've got mine.
Aye, where's my card!
I didn't get, oh there's my card!
Yeah, I 'll I 'll bid for that.
What is it?
I 'll bid for that.
Diploma.
It's a diploma.
So you
How much?
could get that
Yeah!
as well!
I 'll give you twenty for it!
How much you give me for it?
Thirty.
Mm!
I 'll go hundred.
Yeah, but you got ta remember
You could buy it for fifty!
you got ta remember you can buy them for fifty if you land on it.
That's true, yeah.
So Shel can sell it for a lot more than that.
Mm.
Cos if you remember Mike used to go to bloody stupid
Yeah but he he he well he
five hundred didn't he?
he probably thought he was it because he was the new salesman, salesman director and I used to take the piss out of him!
And we'd turn round and say well keep it!
What have got, go up to?
I 'll go to hundred.
Go on then.
I don't thi, I didn't buy any property either did I?
Aye!
Excuse me I 'm!
So that means, what do I need now then?
Diploma?
I 'm you!
Would I get a ta Aye!
You took two there didn't you?
I didn't!
I took one!
aargh.
I know your type.
You now owe me five thousand pound and you can go up into the middle.
That's what I've fucking always wanted!
What I need is
Once you get on the wedding!
Either
Seven.
that or high society.
One, two, three, four, five six, seven.
Country club!
I need Country club then don't I?
No, you 'll need one or the other.
Shel
I got that, I put that
what have I got?
and I've got a credit card!
Got one of those.
No, one of the two
I 'll have one of those Shel.
things.
But that's a credit card!
Well if you give me
Well it's only cash!
That could buy me in!
Oh!
If you give me a hundred and then I, that's my hundred from
Oh right!
there in n it?
Yep!
Yeah but count
Ooh I didn't collect mine when I went past either did I?
Yeah but Shel if you got a credit
No.
card can't you just go stra buy and just write a cheque out and go straight in?
Say well, here's my credit card
So I've bought that and I've my
Yeah you can but if you land on
See that's diploma and that's not.
The thing is this isn't a credit card is it?
This is what's her name in n it?
So I can
Yeah.
If I had five
That's half of the
thousand pound I could
Exactly!
go up now.
But
No.
if you land on that
This one's
That one?
and you've got five thousand
pound credit
Mm.
it's still the same.
Oh yeah!
That one.
Yeah.
That's my
That's right.
membership
That's class or Black's Art Gallery
and that
in n it?
that is
Mm.
classed as
Mm.
a
I thought they had to be both the sa, same.
.
No, you
How we are ta, doing for time?
No, just two of anything.
Oh!
He wants to bust the!
I wan na bust something else!
Do you see Madonna in the paper yesterday?
Five.
In the news?
No.
Did you see Madonna in the paper yesterday, naked!
Yeah.
Ugly looking bitch!
I 'll buy it!
I 'll buy one of those!
For fifty quid!
There are see!
Phil's just landed on it, it's only cost him fifty quid!
That makes me sick!
I ain't got five thousand pound.
You see Madonna in the paper?
Have we got yesterday's paper?
Yeah.
In there?
There you go!
I shall
on Saturday.
No, it's not on there.
There's Friday 's.
So I can go up
Look at the state of this Phil!
a after I've got the card.
She looks repulsive in this!
Got my card.
I think she looks disgusting!
Have you
got five thousand pound?
fifty pound now, oh right!
No!
She looks bloody disgusting
Were you going to tell me that?
don't she?
It's alright.
Oh!
Oh my God!
Posing as a bun
on the front there.
bunny girl for
As a bunny girl for bloody
a porn magazine!
porn magazine.
Come on!
Your turn Ga!
Gone right down now!
She was on my favourite top ten list, but she's not now!
Mind you, she was brilliant in bed!
Oh!
Dream on!
I don't need that do I?
No.
Cos you don't need to keep buying
You just got ta keep going round
yeah, that's right!
collecting money.
Shit!
Go on then!
I!
Er, one, two
Did he wake up then?
three, four, five, six, ooh ooh!
Seven.
Ooh shit!
Six.
What do you get then?
The shits!
Complete the course then.
What do you get when you pass there?
A thousand pound.
A thousand pound.
Mm.
So if I go round in
Oh!
five times then get divorced
Is that the thing you get?
and I can go straight
What?
back up when I've bought the two of them then.
Er, ten.
One, two, three, four, five
Did you have any of them pickled onions or not?
six
Yeah.
seven, eight
What they like?
nine, ten.
They're alright.
A bit strong.
Don't need five.
Got ten.
I've just got ta get one now.
They're certainly not as old as ours are they?
We've had ours about two years!
Twelve.
Mr thought they were nice though!
Must be getting that way.
Mind you, she did them about four year ago!
Aha!
Twelve.
Er
Ten, ten times the roll of both dice.
Two hundred quid Shel.
Oh! haven't I?
Ooh!
Hoo!
Four hundred and twelve thousand two hundred!
No!
Twelve thousand two hundred.
Twelve hundred.
Yeah, that's erm
Twelve hundred pounds.
That's it!
Mm.
It's not funny!
I failed to get there!
What's that, six?
Yeah.
Gift from dad
Could of told you it was!
collect a hundred pound.
Oh I could do with one of them!
Is my dad gon na give me a hundred pound?
Ooh I keep sa
Go on Ga!
What do you do with that hundred pounds is the trouble!
Mm mm!
I got it!
And more.
Welfare payments.
Mm!
Fifty times ro, oh, roll of one dice!
Love!
Good one!
Six.
How ma
Three
Hundred and fifty.
three fifties then.
Nine.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
Get out of there!
Nine.
Stop tapping dear!
Look at all these scum down in that lower class!
Ha!
And you fucking lot in the middle class!
Oh hold on, I've got to collect this thousand pounds and I 'll
Oh right!
have a go on the race track.
Mm!
What!
What!
You lot
Can you throw those dice here.
Snob!
Another five hundred there, what!
Ya!
Everything okay ya!
Ya!
Okay ya!
That's forty
Okay ya!
Erm I 'll go from ten actually!
Yes,!
Oh fuck!
I should of gone up there!
Two to go then.
And I 'll go up.
Woa!
Oh!
!
Yeah, put it in the bank!
Shit!
High class!
Stuff it up your arse!
Oh excuse me, no I 'm middle!
Middle.
Oh middle class, stuff i
Seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six
Oh middle class, stuff it up your arse!
That's English!
seven.
Oh there you are again!
Football winnings, twenty times roll of both dice.
Oh sure.
I 'm gon na get bloody twelve
or something like that!
Oh shit!
There are see, six!
So what's that?
That's six
Six twenties are
hundred and twenty.
Six twe er, hundred and twenty.
Oh better than nothing I suppose!
Eight.
Oh middle class, stick it up your arse!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
I 'm in the higher class, well shove it up your arse!
Leave that there.
It's on the table.
Mm.
One, two, three, one, two, three!
Oh shit!
Here are.
Can I change that?
This is what I done last time, and I stayed behind and I just
Don't matter.
sneaked up, and sneaked up, and sneaked up and won!
And I woke up then!
with his mouth shut!
And yeah, wet dream then didn't you?
Come back for
And how would you know?
Problem is
Was you there?
Yeah I was.
Oh!
!
Here are.
Have one of them.
Tape's still rolling!
Four.
Shall I in
And I 'm still rolling along!
in five minutes?
Four.
Tape's still rolling!
Ha!
Here are!
Come on down!
The price is right, so they say!
It's bugger all!
Er er er!
Gary stop coming!
Just cos your jealous cos you don't know how to!
Teach me!
Teach me!
So you 'll probably them sent
Five.
to you with an obscene note!
One, two, three four Can I have my two hundred please?
No!
Oh wow!
Make it two hundred pound.
Well it's better than a kick in the teeth isn't it?
In a win five hundred pound
Three.
on the race horses.
One, two, three.
Oh fucking hell!
I got another hundred!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
No, I ju, did you see that?
That was sneaky Phil, weren't it?
It was sneaky!
We were putting our money there, money!
Just
So Ga
Your.
I've only got ta go round here five times now and buy
Shit!
You!
Two.
That didn't get me very far did it?
No!
Your going right up to the top aren't you?
Ha.
Your in the high class now aren't you?
Ah ya!
I 'm a proper snob now!
Mm!
What!
What!
You stick by one.
Two hundred pound please?
Oh!
Gary!
Your go my love!
Just cos the Ferrari the other night!
Seven.
Now where are you?
Seven.
I 'm up here dear!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Can't do any frigging worse have I?
Your not.
I got a long way to go to get to high class.
.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
I could buy my way out couldn't I?
ten thousand pounds!
Oh yeah, real snobby oh, aye!
Jammy tike!
Oh, better make space for my money, what!
Nine.
Yeah, wa watch her she's a, she's in charge of the fun
Er
Who would listen to that
Yeah, okay.
through a at the beginning of every single tape!
It's good i
Yours.
Mine.
Thank you.
Did I get I suppose!
Yes you did!
Oh right!
Had that bloody ages ago!
Stop it!
No, it's not it's that shit that
No I ain't got one of them.
Got one of them!
Fuck off!
Haven't we?
He paid out two quid for that as well!
Alright!
Don't keep rubbing it in!
Don't worry about it!
I 'm not depressed!
Yet!
Two, three, four, five.
One, two, three, four
Pass.
five.
Pass.
Better than prison!
Pass.
Three, one, two, three, good night at bingo collect a hundred pound.
Gee!
Oh right!
Shame I don't go!
Yeah, go on have this one here!
I can't remember the last time I can I?
Yeah, I know.
Er
Ooh but the thing is.
My go is it?
No mine.
You been?
This is nice!
You been?
Spring, spring onion?
It's difficult to say
Yeah.
he's just done here.
What's that, two?
Yeah.
Oh!
Phil have, have you been Phil?
Yeah.
No.
Four
Ain't he?
Oh I 'll go again!
five hundred, thirty four.
I can't buy nothing cos I can't afford it yet.
Mm mm!
Ten.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine
Oh!
ten.
I got one of them.
So have I.
Don't want one.
Yeah, but he 's.
Oh aye!
Six.
Sex.
Ha!
Give some back it's
Cor!
It's obviously not real is it?
More like a loan aye, Phil?
Six.
I've got, I've got buy this, another thing yet.
permission
Football pools winnings twenty times
Aren't you?
both dice.
Well, he's got ta buy another
Oh!
thing.
Six.
Well buy and olive one.
Twenty sixes.
Mm.
Six twenties would be five
A hundred and one thousand two hundred and twenty.
Well!
God sounds too high!
One, two, three
Oh!
four, five, six, one, two, three, four, five.
And times!
Yeah might just a little banker!
So why
Well it's
haven't you bought anything yet?
my banking system is.
Well I can't afford it!
It's only three thousand!
I wish I could!
Five, six, eight.
Only!
Yeah
Okay.
you bet your
there are
ten thousands
I got that again.
I 'm gon na wait till I've got enough money.
Oh!
I 'll be up there!
I 'll be going in a minute!
Take your turn again.
Seven.
So seven twenties, hundred and forty.
I keep my money hidden me cos it's
Keep landing
safe.
on that don't I?
I 'm doing
Four
quite well!
three, four
Your go.
Run out of tens.
So I 'll have a go on the race track.
Don't send me off.
Don't send me off Phil!
Alright.
Do I have to open them?
I have to open don't I?
Well if I give you them
back
Yeah, that's five.
We can have a go at this as well can't we?
No.
No you can't.
It's only on the lottery where you can go on there.
Two, three, four if I give you five alright?
I 'm pissed off!
I might as well go to
nine go for nine alright?
Ooh!
Yeah!
Three hundred pound!
Oh you do it!
Cos I got the Camden Race Course.
No, that's your line of work.
They can be so kind!
Shit!
Hey!
Jammy shit!
Nine hundred.
Nine
Nine
hundred quid.
Plus that van.
I 'll keep mine.
No he
Yes.
keeps that.
That 'll just mean
So if you give us two of
I do
them back.
Two of them.
No, one of them.
No, ten times
One of them.
One of them.
Just one back.
That's ten in ten into one.
And I've got three hundred on so I get
Oh yeah!
three hundred pound!
Mm!
You jammy bastard!
I know.
Mm.
Your go again.
You nearly took that off my fucking pile!
You 'll soon have the five thousand Phil!
Not as daft as you though!
You've can't
You got
bloody talk!
Yeah, well I keep winning
you just took that off my pile!
the er football pools and the bingo!
You just took that off my pile!
Unemployment insurance payments ten times roll of one dice.
Oh!
And as well?
That's great!
Six.
So, that 'll be forty two.
Mm mm!
I 'm watching you!
You were getting a bit close to my bloody money then!
I 'm not like that!
No!
Don't run in the family!
Don't you you!
Your supposed to be sticking up for me love!
You know I 'm not a bad loser!
Fucking hell!
shout to get on the
You know I 'm not a bad loser!
So don't do it else I 'll pull the table apart like I la, tipped the table in the air!
Oh very stroppy!
I held
Oh get stuffed!
I thought I was tricked!
Mm!
Well on the top and your the one with five hundred, you scrooge!
I've only got three hundred.
And you've got ta beat
Three hundred and we're only the lower card!
Yeah!
You call yourself a Scot!
Number eleven this time.
Mm that's
Put it in the bank!
Ooh!
Just put it in the bank!
Two, two, two, two, four, five, four, five money bye bye
So that's a thousand pound you messed up down there!
money, bye bye!
Eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Ooh!
Stock exchange, two hundred pound.
Now then, what happens here, can't remember?
Person for.
Oh my God!
Use your, use your two hundred pound then you've saved up.
Yeah.
Go on then Phil.
What shall I go for?
Anything?
Yep.
I know the
That 'll do!
Ooh!
Eleven.
Eleven.
Plus five times.
Yeah, we 'll stick with that.
So
Do you get that back plus a thousand.
Interest free.
Ooh!
Thanks very much Phil!
Aren't you ready to go up yet?
Join me and.
Can't I don't think, I ain't got five thousand.
But I have!
I have, but I 'm not going up.
One, two, three, four, five, six
I 'll have some more of this delicious
seven.
cope!
Roll one dice and it's ten pounds
Bacardi and coke
Oh well
really!
liquid, you have owe her thirty five pound.
Here are, do you wan na change that first.
Right.
selling that.
Thirty.
No I've only got three and half thousand at the moment.
More than me then!
I've got twenty to, about twenty three thousand.
We 'll be going prisoner in a minute!
Well a bit more
Well not yet!
than that, I might have got nearly four thousand haven't quite got enough
You got erm
yet.
You 'll be going to prison in a minute!
I 'll be getting divorced!
Is that okay?
I got three and a half thousand.
Oh yeah!
You stay.
Ain't I Melanie?
Who's go?
Your go Ga!
Gary's go.
Oh!
Shit!
If I get
Yeah.
that's a thousand times a roll times a roll one ooh ooh ooh!
If we
if we get to alimony, I've seen the film!
Four.
You're out!
One, two, three, four.
Bloody hell!
Oh that's all it was!
That's er, give that to me I 'm not a bloody
But you can sell your things off.
Oh yes!
I got a two lovely there.
Who wants.
I only want
I 'll buy you out on that Ga.
green furniture.
Yeah, yeah I 'll buy that?
Who wants, who wants another coffee?
Go on, do something quick!
No.
I 'll pay you fifteen quid.
You only get twenty back
Go on then fifteen.
if you sell it to.
Do you want this, The Ploughman?
No I've got that one.
No, just have twenty in the bank.
You don't get anything back for them do
No.
you?
In the bank.
Oh screw you!
So you can get twenty back for your other one.
I got fifteen.
No!
For your other one!
Oh yeah!
Oh yeah, I 'll have don't they have one as well?
No,
No, so stop it!
Give us another twenty, fifty
A twenty, ha!
Do I get my money as well for passing?
You got your money for passing!
You did not just give me my money for passing!
You got it from there!
Cos your own insurance!
Yeah!
Alright!
I've just been, I got to there.
Oh yeah, so have I.
You were on
Shit!
Ha.
Seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six oh shitting hell!
I keep landing
Five.
on that!
Patience is a virtue darling, you 'll soon go up!
Eight.
Yeah.
Make them as bad as a!
Five.
I 'm up.
No you're not!
No you're not!
How did you work that out?
You're on insurance, one, two, three, four, five.
Gary had it that's four and he went up and he was one place
Yeah!
in front of me.
No, you were both on that.
You got five?
Yeah Gary had, yeah Gary had
landed on that.
four, one, two, three, four you've got five.
Yeah but I was, I was on the same place as I was one behind him!
No!
No you weren't
You were on that one.
you on the stock exchange!
I was on the stock exchange.
But?
You're doing it again, you're trying to cheat!
No!
No!
Ce certainly weren't me!
I was trying to
You go there.
work out what I needed to go up see.
Get divorced.
One, two, three, four, five, six, one, two, three!
Oh!
Can't buy till you've been round once!
I know!
Screw you and all!
She's gon na get
One, two
I 'm not a bad loser Phil
three, four, five
but, you know!
Oh I think I 'll buy one now.
If you know the table's going up in the air you know it's time to
, oh that's mine I
can't buy my own!
It's alright we've got plenty of time!
Seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, ooh!
Who's got the control to the, to the telly?
but I 'm gon na miss a go.
Who's got the controls to the telly.
I have, down there.
Oh Jason's on, Jason!
I might set the tape.
I see erm Philip Schofield's finished
the old er
And it's erm
Joseph and the er
That tape's got One Foot in the Grave on it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Richard Wilson.
That's on Sunday night in n it?
Yeah.
Yeah
Nine.
bloody brilliant!
Did you see last week?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
!
nine.
What's that?
Yacht club.
That's your membership.
You haven't been
Yeah, yeah.
round yet.
How many?
It only wants a measly thousand pounds, alright?
Oh no, you ca you got ta go round first Ga.
I've got ta go round the start haven't I?
Yes.
A measly?
It's good enough for me!
You were gon na buy that weren't you?
Snob!
Two, three, four, five, six, one, two, three, four, five!
Hold on!
Where was I?
One, two, three, four, five, six, one, two, three, four, five, oh for.
Have I got ta miss a go?
Oh I got ta collect ten
Watch her Ju, she cheats!
thousand.
Oh I 'm my own bloody square again
Eight!
so I can't buy it!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Oh I 'll have another go.
Yeah, down.
Rich uncle leaves you
Ooh!
Ooh!
five hundred.
You want.
Well leave that for a minute then.
Just down one.
One, two, three, four.
How you doing down there?
Oh God!
What is it?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
So you can guarantee if I get divorced from there down to there I 'll land on fucking and end up back here!
Lovely in n it!
Then I got pots and pots of money!
!
Loads of money!
what's that say?
It's just a thing that
So haven't you two got five thousand pounds yet?
No.
What's that, a three?
Yep!
One, two, three.
Enter
oh Christ!
What does that do?
You can start buying now.
Yes.
Three.
One, two, three.
Ooh, well I 'll buy one of those!
Ooh!
One can only get three thousand pounds.
Mm mm!
Well for the time being
I don't wan na go up!
One, two, two hundred and fifty
You're in the middle aren't you?
So there are!
One, two, three, four, five
A designer jogging suit!
Ooh!
Is that it?
Hey!
Put it them in the top!
Oh no, the top!
Aha!
What do you think I 'm
Oh sorry!
paying for
Mink coat
I was gon na say, cor!
Mink coat for Pamela.
No, it should be artificial shouldn't it?
Get her some coronations!
Why, who calls them coronations?
She does.
Your mum was saying don't
Yeah.
she?
You know those flowers that you bought Pam?
Yeah.
And they were carnations weren't they?
Yeah.
She went into work and told everybody they were coronation!
She said it wrong!
Coronation Street!
Ten.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
You can go up now can't you?
I 'll go up next go.
Well no, I've got ta have your next got haven't I?
And then go up.
No, you can sit up there now.
You don't, you got ta, you got ta past there and say go past there and say you're going up the next time
Yeah alright.
in the middle class.
Oh, making up new rules as he goes along here!
That's right in n it!
Got to stop and then you say you're going up to middle class.
One, two, three, four
Flipping talking, when they listen to that they 'll burst their bloody ear drums!
It's a good job it's not a video though in n it?
My God!
See all the cheating going on wouldn't they?
Five.
Stock exchange.
I know, you going to have a go on that Phil?
Yes, I 'll have a bit of a do on that.
Or is it going to be a measly five hundred, what?
Ooh!!
Mm!
Oh I've done it haven't I?
Yeah.
Number two here we go!
I du n no,
Oh that's lovely!
that 'll do me! five times.
Five thousand pound.
That means you can go up.
And chuck one on the floor.
That's what
I didn't want that one did I?
No.
Put one back now.
You give me two.
I 'm honest, see!
Oh yeah!
You can go up then after you've been
Yeah, you thought I'd be a cheat didn't you? he said that
Got a five
Yeah alright.
Oh he's got a ten thousand anyway ain't he?
Yeah.
Yeah.
He was holding his hand out hoping that he would er get a bit and well I said if you give me
After they've
three
gone out!
I 'll buy one of tho, oh no I won't!
Yeah, if you want it.
Oh go on!
Oh!
Oh, oh no I haven't got much change at the moment Ga.
How much do I need to go up?
I've only got ten thousand!
How much do I need to go up?
Ten thousand.
I can go up.
Erm
Yeah, but you're got ta get of these.
You have to have two of your properties
That's right!
I don't wan na go up anyway.
two of your
I wan na stay, I 'm happy where I am!
properties plus your membership.
I got my Yacht club thing have I?
Yeah, cos I've got that I think.
three thousand, there you go darling!
Where di, yeah but you didn't give me it!
Oh you can have er
Did you?
What?
My yacht club.
No, you landed on it but you haven't been round once.
Oh that's right, yeah you have
just now!
Mm.
bought a car for Dianne!
Oh!
Oh yes!!
Porsche with the engine in and that!
Oh we got Porsche!
Have you?
No, I've got a stil, I've got an e, I've got an engine in the back of my car, oh it's a Porsche!
A turbo
Oh yes!
One, two, three, four, five, six.
I 'll be
Right!
You going up now?
Shall I go there somewhere
No!
You got ta wait
Oh no you've passed that one now haven't you?
Mhm.
Then when you get back
you pay, you got ta pass it.
So when you got pass there Ju don't forget you say I am going up to middle class!
You 'll be ready to join Gary will you?
What!
What!
What!
What do I do when I get
Five.
That's a.
Oh that's mine anyway.
Seven.
One, two, three, four, five, one, two.
I can buy now anyway can't I?
A jogging outfit there!
Yes, I shall have one of them.
How much?
I thought you be rich in a minute!
Five.
No chance!
I doubt it!
See, right if he still wasn't speaking to me properly I wouldn't have brought that off him!
I
I would have waited and bought one off Gary and then he wouldn't have been able to go up would he?
That's not very nice that!
No, that's right!
No, that's spiteful!
I do that later don't I darling?
In real life I do!
In real life I normally do.
No, I've just had a go.
She's had a go.
You happy?
I 'll go again
No offence!
last night.
One, two, three, four, five, one, two.
Right, I've already got one of those haven't I?
Yeah.
Yeah!
It's er it's an artificial
Five.
one, two, three, four, five, oh shit!
an artificial mink coat for.
Taxes.
Yeah!
Good job you stayed on there Ju!
Bloody hell!
Gon na have to stay there another, a longer darling!
Oh bloody hell!
Twelve twelve
Want to ask me what they want Ju?
See, I knew she was gon na say that!
Oh bugger!
Oh you're gon na set my cousin off there!
I 'll take a hundred and fifty now!
Seven.
Cor!
I always land on that bloody thing!
Credit due.
Pay ten percent interest.
Pay ten percent interest.
No you haven't got any credit have you?
No.
No.
Alright then!
Six.
One, two, three, four, five
How do you pay for printing then?
six.
Yacht club please?
Only if you're up here!
And my thousand please?
So you only want eight hundred.
Why?
Yeah, cos it's two hundred
Sorry, is it?
Oh yeah!
One, two, three
Is it all worth it just go on that?
then someone's hogging all these one hundred pounds!
I've got some.
I've got some if you
want some.
I got about fifty of them if you want them.
Now, two three, one, two, shit!
Five.
Well I 'll cut my ten
There are.
thousand, I've got a roll
There's five from Phil and five from me.
I 'll hold on to mine.
Is that the Yacht club?
Better check mine.
Yep!
Did I have mine on there?
Yeah, I did didn't I?
How many times you been round Shel?
Du n no.
Why?
Only about three in n it?
Who's go is it?
Why is she cheating is she?
Have you done, have you yours Shel?
I've had my go.
She cheating or something?
She's on taxes.
Go next.
She was trying to get out of that!
What is it?
Pay a thousand pound.
Oh!
Roll the one dice?
Both dice.
Ha!
Ooh!
One go?
Yes!
I got double six!
Five thousand!
Five thousand charlies!
Oh well wow!
It's only a measly
Bless you!
round the go once in n it?
This is the money.
It's only once round the track isn't it?
Isn't it?
Six.
One, two
Oh!
three
Isn't it?
four
Isn't it?
Ooh I've only got ta get my
I need that!
diploma now haven't I?
Yeah but you, you wa you want the er how much do you need fifty
Oh shit!
I need fifty don't I?
You haven't got it
you got ten, twenty
One, two
you got about twenty five if you're lucky!
I've got ta get er
I 'm not gon na give it you now!
I've got er
Fifty seven, seven, twenty eight
Er go up next go.
Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine
Now you say it!
ten, eleven
He has done.
eleven.
Well you put yourself there now don't you?
No!
Yeah, and then his next go starts on that.
Yeah!
So I've just
You mean, you mean
I just
again?
No!
should go up there.
in n it?
You prat!
You 'll be, you'd be going
The
all bloody night wouldn't you!
That's my erm things start from counting from there.
Yeah!
Yes!
Two, three
Oh!
Yeah, cos he had eleven.
five, six seven
Oh no, no, no!
eight
No!
No!
No, no, no, no, no you cheat!
eleven.
I would have landed on stock exchange.
No!
Cos you got ta stay down
Yeah.
there.
No, that's it.
Yeah.
As soon as you
When you get to there.
Does that mean I've got ta
stay on these?
When you get to there yeah, or
Yeah.
whatever!
I 'll be them.
But we don't need them!
Just going back to the bank for twenty
So
pound a time.
Twenty
Whoever you bought them
pound a time.
off of.
Don't wan na keep the
No!
No, no, no!
No, cos it's two hundred in that one and
You got ta start afresh to go above there and you want five thousand as well don't you?
Aye, hold on!
Do I have to pay five thousand?
No!
You only need five thousand.
I don't need a thing!
I don't need a membership for that!
No, cos there isn't one!
Oh wow!
Ha!
Right, so I owe you twenty pound I haven't got any tens, you 'll have to change that.
Banks.
No, that's mine!
Mm mm.
Oh you have to
And the bank owes you twenty pound, forty pound.
One, two, three, four
You owe me thirty pounds.
Mm.
Right!
Thank you.
Oh I like this game!
Sorry!
I've only got to go round another three times!
Not bad on that!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Thank you.
Five hundred
Again!
pound.
Ha!
Just put it with the you know, about eighty thousands I've got!
Ooh!
Not bad for!
I don't
Eight.
want any there st, looks like a
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven and oh wow!
Oh, here we go again!
Can we go to the bank.
Go for a hundred pound.
Oh it's me in n it?
Er
We, it's that all the Christ!
That's why I said your going for a thousand!
Yeah!
Look at all that!
No!
Take a chance on it!
Ooh!
Eight.
Eight.
Eight.
Your best move plus one half
One half.
Ooh!
Go for it again and see how much
Yeah, go for
No, go on!
hundred!
Oh my God!
Do you trust me?
No!
Ooh no!
Seven that time.
Go again!
Seven.
Go on then!
I might do another one!
Eight again!
Eight!
Ah, that's back, take that and then five
Investment first one hour.
hundred.
Watch her Ju!
Watch her!
Oh where shall I put my five hundred?
Got a lot of, lot of room have I?
Just stick it in that hole there!
Ooh, get lost!
Three.
Ooh look at that!
One, two, three.
Right, I 'm up!
There you go.
See you in a minute!
See you in a mo!
Soon I 'll be rushing
Oh!
to
I 'm getting
That's twelve
then.
Yeah.
eleven, or whatever I had.
So you're
Sell it back to whoever.
really.
Bank.
One's mine.
Yep.
You sod!
So it didn't matter what I got as long as you got a
You, you want your
a.
That's twenty pound in n it?
One two, three, four
Mhm.
five, six, seven
You don't get anything for eleven.
Aye, I gave him twenty pound for that
Aye, Olive's Jewellery.
fucking membership!
Shall I buy Olive's Jewellery?
, that's good!
No you can't cos you can't buy till your
Okay.
first round can he?
What's that for?
Can't buy till you've been round once?
I paid you twenty quid for your bloody membership!
Kept back for that!
Oh!
Oh!
Don't tell me that!
What's that, seven?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
I 'll buy the Northend Bar did we?
You need two of them didn't you?
Yep!
And one of them?
Yep!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Er er er!
Another ten thousand, what, what, what!
Nearly there!
Nearly there, nearly there chaps!
What?
Twenty thousand we said didn't
Four.
we?
No, fifteen!
One, two, three, four.
I can't buy anything cos I got ta round once.
She's got ta go down!
She's got ta go down!
Got ta get
This is the first time I've stayed up this long!
A six.
And it's a good job it's a woman saying that cos they 'll wonder what the hell we're on about!
Five, six.
Up!
No!
No, you can't!
Yeah what did you do that for?
You got ta go round once and you ain't gone round!
I still collect money!
six.
Six thousand.
Bad loser I 'm no not!
Okay?
One, two, three, four, fi i i i i ive!
I 'll have that one.
That's Phil 's.
Do I need that one?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Car Sale.
I 'll have one of them Phil.
So that's just a five hundred one in n it?
Yeah.
I 'm in the cars.
Well that's that's er and I look down on no one actually.
Ching
But I look.
Because she is hire class!
It's called a CV two.
Yes!
And check her round about for Jane.
Thank heaven for little Jane!
Oh thank God for that!
Seven.
Cos little Jane couldn't get as clo, if I sing they might
One, two, three, four, five six
say
I can't buy anything cos I 'm on my first time round.
Any chance of being recording, come
I 'm off!
for you!
One, two, three, four
Yacht club!
Can't buy it though!
No you can't.
It's only first
Mm!
time round.
Eight.
One, two, three
A recording contract's not a company.
Stock exchange and higher than mine, ha ha ha ha ha ha!
.
And you're frozen!
Yes.
Sells.
Sells.
Oh oh oh!
They want a low one look at them!
Ooh bloody hell!
How much is he putting on it?
Three thousand?
Get a two.
Ooh!
Eight thousand!
He trusts you!
May as well give it straight to the bank.
Oh what have
That 'll do me!
you done!
investment plus five times!
Eight thousand.
Five eight, forty thousand!
Thank heavens for
Have you got that much?
cos I 'm nearly there!
It was on there Shel aren't I?
Are you sure that's right?
I must be there Shel.
Yeah, you got eleven didn't you?
Yes, that's right.
So investment plus
Oh hang on!
Sorry!
is plus five times.
He put in eight thousand so five
Ah yes.
eight thousands five eights are forty, forty thousand.
I 'm not far off am I?
That's more than I've got!
I should come down aren't I?
Yeah, you must have forty.
Yeah, cos you've only got, that's
But i
five thousand
i is there four?
Yeah, yo don't put
Are they?
Are you sure?
forty eight thousand.
Mm mm!
Yeah.
Yeah.
You could go up to top group ri straight
Well yes
away.
but do I want to?
That's the thing, do I want to?
I 'm there aren't I?
Well with th yeah, cos put in it
Have they changed your two hundred pounds in there?
You put in eight thousand.
Yeah, I was gon na say hundreds!
So change six hundred thousand.
No we've put in eight thousand.
Eight thousand.
So five eights
I do I don't mess
are forty.
when it comes to the big stuff, go for it!
Don't I darling?
Gary!
Your go.
He's always got no fucking money!
What are we doing?
Are we going to a hundred thousand then or what?
My God!
I've only got three!
Could we go to hundred thousand or not?
Du n no.
It's only a thousand pound.
Yeah, cos if you're going for fifty
We 'll go
if you're going
we 'll go to a thousand
If you go to a thousand she 'll only have to come and do it now cos well I've won ain't I?
Well you've still got ta get your
I don't need to do I?
your things.
He's got them!
He can go up!
He can go
I I
up now.
alright, but I don't want to.
Yeah but you have to put onto them
No, you haven't got them for your
No, what the hell!
I 'll stay, I 'll just, I 'll just
Yeah because you could end up
What we going up to?
being divorced.
What we going up to now then?
Whatever!
Fifty or ten, whatever!
Hundred and fifty, or hundred and ten, yeah.
That's terrible!
Hundred thousand
Hundred thousand, right
cos that's only ten times
We did with Martin and Kim didn't we?
Cos they had this argument before, Kim said five, five hundred fifty o fifty thousand and Kim said no we 'll make it hundred thousand cos
Tell you about that
Have you been Shel?
Yes.
With a throw of a dice you can go right up
couldn't you?
You've been up again?
Here we are, spinning!
How much is it to go up anyway?
Six
Five.
seven thousand.
nine.
Ten thousand actually.
Can't afford it like that.
Yeah, you just got a fucking forty thousand you bastard!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
Have over ten thousand.
I 'll have a thousand, er Shel?
Five hundred!
Er!
I still can't buy cos it's only my first time bloody round!
Go for it!
You don't, you just go straight for it!
So's Phil in n it?
We can't buy at the moment.
Did you give me money did you?
Yeah!
Oh!
So I've kept my money.
Yeah.
So
Yes.
Oh yes.
Too late to give me a loan?
What do you need a loan for?
You've got more money than what I have!
I think I 'll try that next time I 'll save it for myself!
You didn't say that, you're going up this time if you wanted that.
I could do couldn't I?
I've got ta get to there though first.
Aha.
Mhm.
Mm.
Oh.
What's that?
Six.
Six.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
I 'm going anyway.
That's the size of the bloody
Bloody hell!
It's a good job it's not five thousand in n it?
Er, I mean fifty.
Gree dee da da da da da da!
I've got ta sell these off now.
Let's hope you get er, one, two
And open the middle class
three, four.
Let's hope you get
And both of you get past
to five.
Ten you can rent ones.
Yeah you can buy off Ga.
Yes, you can you can buy off
Mm.
me.
Me and Phil then?
Yes.
I've got two I've got ee, erm clo Yacht Club card for sale.
What do they get back on them?
They only get hundred pound do they?
I 'll give them hundred for them.
Yeah, but you don't get anything for his Yacht Club.
So he paid two hundred quid for it.
Damn good!
Give him hundred
Hundred and thirty!
Oh my, you total sod!
Can't you make it a rounded fi, hundred and fifty!
Hundred and fifty then!
Yeah.
That's what I was gon na say!
Well I've got ta have it haven't I?
Who's gon na have the other fifty.
So have I!
oi!
Who's gon na
Hundred and fifty.
I 'll give him the two.
What, the two hundred?
Cos you got haven't you?
Two fifty.
I 'm not going any
Okay.
higher!
She takes it!
Well if I'd have known that before else I 'll go and land on the.
Yeah, you bloody wait!
I 'll go and land on it now and I 'll be bloody pig sick!
I 'll give you
Thirty, forty
I 'll gi yer
fifty
I don't want hundred quid notes
I ju, oh well
I ain't got any fifty pound notes so!
Well,!
No I won't!
Want these?
Anybody want these?
I 'll I 'll give you hundred quid for each one.
Oh well!
It's your money!
Aye, aye, aye yeah!
I 'll do the here!
I 'll take that off you because
Right.
he's decided to sell it to Phil now!
And I and these there, I got two of these for sale?
And I used your five hundred.
When it 's, you paid five hundred each.
I paid five hundred for them.
But he can only get a hundred pound back if he's get it from the bank.
Hundred and fifty for one.
Each.
For one?
Mm.
Yeah, for one.
Correct.
I 'll give you hundred for that other one.
That's all you get fro from the bank.
No.
I could buy it straight
More!
away.
How
No.
much do I get from the bank?
Hundred.
Hundred each.
I 'm gon na be a bastard!
Give me two hundred for them both.
That's right!
Cos you're more likely to land on
Oh hold on!
I can't
I ca I can.
No you can't!
Yes!
You've got ta give him hundred for yours and you've got ta give him hundred for yours!
Yeah, cos it's not in n it?
Oh shit!
Course you have, yeah!
Never mind I 'll, don't matter does it?
What?
You've got ta give him hundred quid.
You've got ta give me a hundred.
Yeah!
And I've got ta give
one of them now.
Gary hundred.
Alright.
Ah shit!
Bloody hell!
My eyesight that bad now is it?
your thing.
One, two, three, four
Have I been?
Don't I get a go then?
Yeah, you've been!
Yeah.
eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
Oh yes, I 'm up with Shel aren't I?
Up in the higher class.
Yes!
Blimey we ain't even gone round once yet Phil!
I can't buy anything
Enter the higher class!
yet!
Until we get to bloody there!
Do you want some more of this lovely Coke!
Oh God!
A ten.
Haven't got a glass.
Oh look at that!
Just missed the flipping
Stil missing some some there.
taxes!
About time!
Still going now!
I don't whether there was something
there's another bottle of that.
Anybody got any more nuts?
Three
That was nice!
four, five, six.
Bought some coke?
No I 'll go.
Alright, we've just got the green ones.
No not like that.
I was gon na say do you want got any dosh?
Get another bottle?
Oh Phillip don't be such a swine!
Yeah, I I 'll pay for it!
I got loads of dosh, look!
Here are Ju, gi you some money go down and buy you some
Go on!
Buy yourself a new fur coat and that!
Oh yeah!
I don't want a fur coat!
Could you imagine it, going in?
Go in
I've had that coat
Could you imagine it though going into so somewhere like Dotty's or whatever and saying well
Well, I bet I have
Help yourself darling just just take one of these little notes and, ya!
So you can buy a twenty four carat gold necklace darling!
What!
What!
Ah!
Not for you that's for certain!
No it 'll probably
in the shed wouldn't it dear?
Yes.
My go?
Mhm.
What's that?
Six.
Bit below the belt that!
One, two, three, four
No Shel!
five, six black, oh it's Guy!
You been round once?
No you haven't.
You haven't been round once yet.
Put them back!
I 'm just looking!
Only looking!
I ain't even got round!
My go!
How you doing Shel?
Not very well!
Nor me?
Two.
Shit!
One, two, three
You know.
four, five, six, one, two, three
It's only a gamble!
It does quite well sometimes.
four, five.
I 'm divorced!
I've done that a few times with Ju ain't I?
Are you divorced!
Oh you're not are you?
Yeah.
Oh what a shame!
Ha ha, oh what what!
Shit!
A thousand poun, times roll of both dice!
Pay alimony a hundred times the roll of both dice, return to lower class!
Eight thousand!
Lower class!
Return to lower class!
Yeah but where to though in
Shame in n it?
lower class?
Just there?
Mhm.
She goes back to there?
Mhm.
there.
And she's got ta go round
Eight thousand.
Well he's only getting
She's got ta sell them all off.
two thousand back!
Yeah, you got ta sell them all off now!
Yes!
And I don't need any of that!
For how much?
Whatever
We got ta give them back to her?
I 'll give you
We got ta give her
No, Gary can buy them off me if you want.
But I can get five hundred from the bank.
I 'll give you
Or five hundred each of.
I 'll gi you five, I 'll give you five hundred from both.
You 'll still be in debt Shel cos he's got forty
Well shall I give him
She can get five hundred each off me and Phil.
Oh can she?
Yeah, because they're our cards.
But I, I need them don't I?
Mm!
Go on then love!
No you've been round now you can start buying your own.
I could do couldn't I?
No he hasn't!
But I
But don't forget she paid
two thousand.
She paid three thousand for them so
For each one.
Yeah, it's your big idea!
I 'll give you two thousand
I'd be a bitch and sell them!
Each?
No you cheeky sod!
Well why not?
It's still saving you two thousand!
No I said two thousand.
Not each!
Well I need the bloody money now!
Thank you!
You will do, yeah, after this alimonies's over!
Now you got ta pay money haven't you?
Right so Shel's down.
So
I've paid my bloody you cheeky
Yeah but
sod!
You haven't!
No!
You got ta throw your dice now, it's alimony.
No she's done that!
I've just done that!
Eight thousand.
Just changed the ten thousand.
Oh!
Yeah!
I didn't see that.
I 'm sneaky!
Twelve!
Gosh I 'll be able to
Well
buy something.
now I 'm up here all on my own in the higher class!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten
look down on you in the middle class!
eleven.
Fucking hell!
And you look up to me!
You can guarantee I 'll divorced straight away again now!
I 'll have one of them Shel?
To five hundred.
I 'll count my winnings so
He 'll probably win now he's got those cards
There you go!
as well!
Yeah, he's got ta get he's got ta get one of them
I only need one more!
as well.
And then I've got to have my lunch.
Give you the Yacht Club.
No, I 'm gon na
Ten thousand.
Ten thousand.
I take a chance in a minute on Stock Exchange and wack my lot on!
I've only got to bloody si, I've only got about the same.
Yeah and I 'll throw a ten!
Eight.
Yeah!
Oh God!
And then you'd need a credit card wouldn't you Gary?
Five, six, seven eight
I would that!
Welfare payments.
Fifty times roll of one dice.
Fifty times roll of one dice.
You got ta pay that on it Phil?
No!
Oh yeah!
Erm
Welfare payments
Yeah, you got ta pay that.
ten times roll of one dice!
Fifty times.
Fifty.
That's what I said, fifty times roll of one dice!
Hundred and fifty.
Oh well that's not much is it!
It is when you if, you're money's running down Phil!
One, two, three, four.
One, two.
Can I have my
Ten times.
my little note badge to go underneath on the
Oh!
What, just there?
Just slip it under there my doll!
For me please.
There we go!
Is that it?
Okay!
Spiffing
One
what!
two, three, four, five, six, seven, here we come!
How many do I need, ten?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
Can't buy, you got ta go round twice.
Or once.
Once
Ten
thank you very much!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
I 'll have one of them.
Ooh!
That's one of mine!
Oh shit!
Don't!
He 'll be up in, he 'll fucking win it now!
That's er, this one five hundred isn't it?
That's er
Solarium.
A solarium, yes.
Just fancied a solarium.
Never be able to afford one!
Well you've just bought one!
Seven.
So all I need now is ten thousand pound!
So you've just handed five, you can't afford a bloody solarium as well!
Have a go on the Stock Exchange shall we?
Gary, go on Gary
throw in!
Three.
How many did
grab it in a pile and chuck it on there!
Let's hope there's there!
There should be a limit really!
There should be a limit really!
That's three.
I think there should be a limit don't you?
one
Yeah, twenty thousand!
two
Yeah!
three thousand!
Go on Ga!
Well Mike used to do it like that
Ah!
and Mike lost all his!
Wait there!
Can I have my
Yeah.
Oh not that!
Mike got a really big head didn't he?
Yep!
He bul
You didn't get a thousand then
Hope so!
plus did you?
Mike got really
Oh no!
big headed once
About that.
and thought he was gon na wi, how much you got there?
How much you going for?
Three.
Three.
Three thousand.
I've got eight thousand.
I can build
Righto!
Ready boy?
Yep!
Get a two and he's on a winner with!
Seven.
Seven.
You're gaining another one.
Go for it!
Go again.
Ten.
Ten.
Ten.
That 'll do.
Plus two times.
Yeah, that 'll do.
So he put in three thousand.
Six thousand.
Six thousand back.
Shall I go?
See what it'd have been shall I?
Can we just see what it 'll be?
Yeah, go on then.
Woa!
!
Ooh!
Ooh hoo!
I'd get quite a bit now
Well there you go!
can't I?
Once I bought.
And what have I got ta get?
And you've got ta get, you got that membership as well.
One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four.
It's a self preservation society!
Ooh gosh!
I collect a thousand pounds!
Wow!
Oh is nice to be down there!
Not really!
I look down on you!
Eleven, one, two three, four, five
Look up at me!
six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
Then it's you.
Because I 'm in the high
class and you're in the middle class!
I only need my money now before I go
Oh!
up.
One, two, three, four
Taxes!
Pay taxes!
One dice or two dice?
Both.
Both.
Both dices.
Hundred times.
Four.
Four hundred quid!
Oh that's alright.
Four thousand quid!
Right.
One, two, three, four, five.
Divorce, pay alimony!
Aargh!
You bastard!
He 'll probably get double one now!
Doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo
Ah, as well please!
Ha!
I know.
Seven.
Seven.
Seven back.
Now you can sell us our, our tickets back as well.
Ooh yeah!
Ooh yeah!
I need a couple
Yes!
of them!
Shit!
Ooh!
Mm!
Mm!
Mm!
Mm!
Mm!
Seven thousand pound!
But you don't go pink one.
How much do you say?
I had to pay eight didn't I?
Square her a yellow one.
I 'm sure I had a pink one somewhere.
Mm!
Mm!
Mm!
Mm!
Mm!
Mm!
Mm!
Such a shame! got ta pay them
It 'll go round
twenty for ten thousand haven't I?
Mm mm!
Will you know what
.
That's mine.
Is that yours Phil.
Yeah.
Mm mm mm
And
mm mm mm mm mm mm
There you go Ga
mm mm mm mm mm.
Er excuse me!
Some of us might want to bid on it!
Mm, we can't bid on it we're not in the top group.
Ah no, ah ah!
No.
Oh well I needed
I 'll have them
a couple of them.
Di di di di di di
No, we're in the higher!
di di da
He's in the, he was in the higher group.
Shit!
I can't buy there!
I was the only one up there!
Yeah, so how much do we
Five hundred.
Got ta give me my five hundred.
Is it five hundred?
Di di di di
Yeah.
Yeah.
di.
Yeah, I don't like to say nothing.
He pa, he paid us
di di
er
di.
Oh yeah!
Three thousand.
Three thousand.
That's right.
Five hundred and the
No!
three twenty in n it?
Der di di di di da da da da er!
Yeah.
You get five plus, you have to pay five hundred and just
Dee di di da di di di di di di di di
That's three thousand
twenty.
So, it's my go isn't it?
Yeah.
One, two, three, four, five, one, two and oh!
What's that?
Erm eight.
Okay.
One, two, three, four, five
six, seven.
Oh shit!
Eight.
Two hundred times.
Ooh!
Wish I'd just said seven now!
Bloody hell!
That's what I like about you Julie!
!
Oh ah!
Flipping hell!
Twelve hundred quid.
It is twelve hundred this time!
Yeah.
Oh sod!
I can go up once I get my can't I?
Ooh I need a couple of them tickets Ju!
Oh bloody hell!
Seven.
Nothing really matters
Right!
in the same
Don't get anything for one.
old way!
Oh I 'll bid for it!
Even go a walking in the
Who's got the green ones?
same old
Oh I've got it!
way!
What you whispering about?
Yeah alright!
No bloody you two!
oi!
We wan na know what you're going on about!
Just change.
What is it?
Aye!
Aye!
What about me?
Don't I get a go?
Aye!
No!
I 'm in on this and all!
What
That
is it?
That's a card for this in n it?
Yeah.
How much is it?
Oh hundred and fifty!
Bid two hundred and fifty.
I 'll give you five hundred.
six hundred.
Aye?
Three hundred, how much?
I 'll gi you five.
Well you and your fucking money bags, keep it!
I 'll give you six.
One thousand!
Listen to him!
Any higher?
One thousand, one hundred.
I 'll gi you fifteen hundred cash on there!
Cash!
Ah ah, I want that one anyway!
No more Phil?
No oh!
No, I can wait!
That's not you
Go on then!
anyway!
That
Shel?
That's Gary 's.
No you get stuffed!
I ain't paying that much
Here are!
for it!
Here are!
Here are, here's your money!
I 'm losing all the money!
And that's his own anyway!
You wan na
I 'll a go.
bid for it!
And I don't, I 'll get twenty er
No we were
How much do I get for this?
we were bidding for this!
Yeah!
So you me and Phil can bid against that one.
That's right.
Bidding against me and I don't want that
Ooh right!
that's what I want.
So what can you get?
That's that.
Well you needed, yeah you needed that.
I 'll gi you a hundred and fifty.
What does she get back?
A hundred.
Right.
Give you two.
Four.
Ha!
Five.
Five fifty.
I mean, only cost you five hundred anyway!
Go on!
Alright then, go on then take it!
Alright.
Do you want the money or can I pay you later?
Oh bloody hell!
I I 'm buying my own race track!
Cos I 'll move Gary's up first.
Yeah.
And I get
That's right.
we get for that one?
Erm
Oh that's another one we can bid on.
Oh yeah that 's, yeah.
That's another one
Oh right!
you can have.
What's this one?
I I 'll I 'll buy that.
What's this one we're bidding on?
Yeah you can bid three.
What we bidding on now?
The card.
There's a black art gallery there.
Ee ee he shouldn't be able to buy them cos he's only just gone down!
Doesn't matter, I got the money!
No it doesn't matter!
Still got the money!
Well you can all
Cos I've come from higher class to the low lower class.
You can all bid for that one cos that's the black art's gallery and you all need it, so
Black art's gallery in the middle of the road
Well you put, should only get another one.
I 'll give you two hundred fifty.
You can only get a hundred pounds for it.
I 'll give you two fifty.
How much?
I've just said two fifty!
I 'll give you three hundred!
I 'll let you two bid for it then!
Go on!
Three and half.
Four.
Well, he's got one though ain't he?
He don't need it!
No he hasn't got one.
No he ain't got one.
What's that one then?
He's only got membership.
Four.
What do we need
Well you need
art gallery for?
You need a membership and another
Do I need to go round before I can
one of them or something.
before I
So I I'd I, I don't really want one!
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cos I buy one
Well you can buy one, yeah.
Well then you can have it for whatever it was for.
Four hundred and fifty.
No I said four!
Oh yeah, four.
Try to, trying to up us!
I've just added on race course, alright?
Give us them two back and we 'll call it quits.
So I 'll put erm two grand on that.
I ain't got hundred!
Oh well, ah, you owe we hundred!
You bugger off!
What have you got?
Er, I just give you it!
Five hundred in n it?
That's for that one!
Oh is it?
No, that's what Shel paid me
for that!
I just gave her that!
Look, this one!
I 'm just miles, bloody hell!
Miles away now!
I 'm missing out on something here aren't I?
You owe me four, four hundred.
No!
No!
Just one.
Well change it in the bank
Mm.
cos I haven't got it I 'm afraid.
This yeah, I got it in ones, so I 'll give it you ones, alright.
I've gone bloody back down to the bottom!
I landed on those ones.
!
There you go!
Your black, I was just having a go.
I know but you only need six next time!
Right, you want the race track how much you putting on?
Two.
Two thousand.
What number.
Er, ten.
Ten.
Come on baby!
Seven.
Eight.
Eight
Have a go!
Not bad Phil!
Put it in the bank!
Six.
Leave it in the bank!
Look at his fa!
I can't buy can I now?
Not yet, no not yet.
No, not until I go round
round once
to the there?
No, like me I've got ta get round there.
Back round to there in n it?
Yep!
And I've just about nearly round.
Shit!
Right.
One, two, three, four, five, seven, eight, nine.
No.
You could afford to go up Shel can't you?
Oh I haven't got any car, I've only got one card.
Oh I 'm doing okay, aren't I?
Yes.
One, two, three, four, five, six I can start buying now!
If I get pissed off now I might just do!
Course you can't, I can't go up anyway!
Nine.
Not yet.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight lottery.
Lottery.
Right, this is the fun bit.
This is where we all bang in!
You choose how much you wan na put in.
And we can all bang in with her!
And the one who throws the highest wins it.
out of this we can all, we could all bang in!
Well I 'm a bit er
But we got ta go the same as what you'd go.
Yeah, you got ta go the same
Yeah.
as what I go.
So if we go?
Whatever you go I do
I 'm chucking off my
So if I went like that you've got ta go the same?
Alright?
No make it a thousand.
You would!
What a little de, yeah!
Cos I 'm a bit skint on the thousands.
I am as well darling!
I know!
But I 'm hoping that I get the highest
Yeah.
Alright.
Right, so you go first Phil!
I 'm I 'm the same as you I 'm the same darling!
I 'll make him feel
We're all skint!
Seven.
Seven.
Look Gary's not gone out.
Well that's fucking brilliant that is isn't it!
That was devil!
Do you want me to go again?
Seven.
Seven.
That 's, that's two at seven.
Two at seven.
They 'll have to go again by the sounds of it.
Five!
Five!
Enough!
It looks like the seven will have to go again!
You, you silly for doing that darling!
Four.
Four.
Four.
?
No, it don't count cos I didn't have that you cheat!
Oh well you
Oh!
It's between these two whoever's gon na get this!
Someone's fixed these dice I tell you!
Oh
Ooh eleven!
shit!
You need twelve!
Or eleven to draw.
We 'll take the card!
Go on, get in there!
Your go
My
in n it?
That's my money back in n it?
My go?
Yeah.
No, Phil's go.
No, Phil's go.
Shit!
Cos I just landed on the bottom.
He 'll land on the divorce now!
Six.
Yeah.
He has done!
I said that didn't I?
You got ta sell Phil!
You got ta sell your properties!
Four
Four
Four hundred.
Four hundred.
I 'll pay I 'll give you four hundred for that bloody
Hang on!
Hang on!
Let him pay his alimony.
I 'll five hundred for your card.
Well that's not right cos I've got that's wrong.
Five hundred.
I don't need it cos I 'm on the wrong one!
And she could of bought next time round anyway.
I can buy now.
What's that for?
That's my hundred pound.
Oh that's your change.
Oh!
Gary's go.
I can't buy yet though can I?
So me and Phil
No, I can.
are back round again!
You sent that on to me!
No, you're there!
You're there!
I've been round once ain't I?
No!
No.
No.
Try again mate!
Oh I better count my money again
Eight.
hadn't I?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
The Stock Exchange!
Here we go again!
Nothing really matters in the same old
Oh if I can get you this time!
way!
See the!
That did it
No.
No way!
Mm.
Eight.
Eight.
Plus one thousand.
So you get ten back.
I get ten thousand back, what's that?
Roll again.
Fucking hell!
Seven.
You're gaining back now.
Go for it!
That's if I get a fucking eleven I 'm gon na kick them up there!
Yes!
Ha ha!
Five.
Move for half of it.
Bastard!
Well that's
No, should of done it to me cos I threw!
I should of gained that.
Should of.
I know!
Not going greedy and offered a thousand shouldn't I?
Right, where am I?
Was a thousand last week.
Oh right!
Now it's ten P for twenty pounds in there!
One, two
Yeah.
three, four, five, six.
Shall I get loads of them?
I 'm only talking about twelve pounds!
Right!
I 'm off back round again!
Seven!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
I can't buy anything yet.
All this bloody money!
Well more than what
More than what you
started with!
Look at his all sprawled out over there!
Yeah, that's what I said!
Two, three, four, five, six
Six.
four, five.
Oh well!
Here we go!
Now it's Phil's go.
We got ta put it in whatever he puts in.
Oh shit!
How much you got there Ga?
Not a lot mate!
I bet!
I 'm down to a measly
But I 'm gon na now mate!
Two, three, four, five I've only got five thousand!
He's a bloody swine he is!
You!
You bastard!
You've only got five thousand!
Well not including my five hundred, so I've only got er six thousand
You're not having no!
seven thousand seven tho, seven now I can't even stretch to!
So you got more than we got then!
You got more than me!
Yeah, you!
I 'll clear that.
Ga
I knew he was gon na do that!
You got another five thousand cos you've just been
The same as that.
up haven't you?
We got the same now!
Back back to square one again Shel!
He's got five thousand!
How'd he get that?
Are you being insolent?
Aha.
Yeah, but I 'll tell you what I 'll laugh like hell if I get the iron!
Two, three
Yeah.
four
You don't care Ju do you?
You love it!
five.
No, I don't give a toss me!
Move on to
But look!
fives.
No but you love it!
Eighty five thousand.
Eighty five!
That's only a thousand!
Oh!
One thousand!
Two thousand, two thousand five, two thousand six
I aren't gon na bother!
two thousand seven
I've got ain't I?
three thousand eight.
Yeah you got to!
Can you find just one?
Here are!
Two no, two thousand eight
No you got ta find
Eight.
Right!
Here we go!
Yes I 'll take that!
Eleven.
Plus five times.
Fifty thousand she's got!
One, two, three, four, five!
Aha.
Ooh!
What!
What!
Three!
I 'm ready to go up now look!
One, two three.
I can't buy anything yet!
Well that's mine anyway look!
Ah, ha ha!
Budgy boy!
Four.
One, two, three, four.
I 'll have a go on the stock exchange.
There are Ga!
Cos you got ta throw.
I know.
He was!
He's getting a bit skint now ain't he?
Is it me to go?
So when you'd gone down you
So collect two hu two hundred when
You're nearly there aren't you?
I want seven.
Should have.
Oh yeah!
No!
You get your two hundred.
Your nearly there aren't you?
I've got that!
I 'm only in the middle though.
Oh yes!
Four thousand.
Can't go up yet.
That's a shame!
Four thousand?
Go on then Ga!
Yeah, has to go up to
No.
five thousand
Go on then Ga!
Seven
Seven.
Regain investment.
I would think, well I don't.
Go on!
Four.
Four.
Well that's everything what I done!
Christ!
You lose a a thousand don't you?
Only three quarters.
Oh!
Three quarters
So they leave leave
so you leave a thousand.
Yep!
Ha ha ha!
What what what!
That's everything that I done didn't I?
Sorry mate!
No here!
Lose three quarters of investment.
So you're only left with a thousand so
Twelve.
Ooh!
Cor!!
One, two, three, four, five, six seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
Can I have my er fucking need it!
Woa!
Mm!
Five hundred pound!
Yes.
Eleven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten
Terrible in n it really!
eleven.
Well I can buy but that's mine anyway!
Eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Ooh!
Just missed it Phil!
Shaky mate weren't it!
Ten.
I got one!
Oh.
Yo you've got one already Ga.
Yes.
Nearly a thousand already.
What number?
On number eight.
No, seven.
One, two
How much do I need?
three, four, five, six, seven.
How much do I need to go up again?
Er oh I've forgotten now!
Erm, ten thousand from there to the top.
Er er we've had one thousand.
Which is one of these four.
I 'm going up!
Next
What?
go.
Yeah, he's got his money ain't he?
Well stick yourself in the highest class.
A and why do you think I haven't said anything cos he could of gone up!
Oh no, he's got ta pass middle.
He's got ta get passed
Oh you've got ta pass there.
That's why I 'm not going up in n it?
Yeah.
I've been round once haven't I?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah but you got ta pass mine.
That's right!
That's why I say I 'm going up next go.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
I 'll have one of them!
Yeah.
Stick that up your jumper!
Well I cos it's only hundred pound in n it?
I can afford one of them Ga.
Oh very funny darling!
Right, that's one of mine on the way!
Doesn't see you!
Doesn't see you!
Five.
Means it doesn't suit you!
One, two, three
Okay?
four, five.
Oh!
That's Gary.
Mm.
One, two, three.
I 'm on the race track.
Cos I 'm going up see what happens.
Do I go on the racetrack
Six, no!
or not?
You carry on.
You just go straight up.
You can have a go on the racetrack.
Aye!
I if that was the case my twelve should have carried on.
When I was down
No.
On that then I sa, I said I was going anyway.
I know.
But I was on the race, I was going on the race track.
Do I go on the race track or do I go straight up?
Yeah, his his number's on the dice happen to leave him so he was on the race track, so it's up to him now.
Yeah but mine left me u down the bottom
No, but you
somewhere on the Stock
yeah but that was you
Exchange or something like that.
No it wasn't Stock Exchange!
No, you were on that.
On there.
So he can have a go on the race track or he don't have to bother if he don't want to.
He can just go straight up.
But I can go straight up there anyway!
Yeah.
But me like I am being a greedy bastard I didn't!
It's making money me money so you can't go up!
I 'll go for race track.
Mm.
Aha.
What number you going on?
How can I rig these dice?
No cheating Shelly!
No!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Bloody hell!
You still waiting this to go up haven't you?
Gon na carry on?
Or
I haven't said a number yet!
Ain't said a number yet.
It's turn in n it?
Oh no!
You do that one then don't you?
Why's that?
I've got to bloody!
Go down further out than that don't get any money!
No, two for the money as well!
Eight.
Five.
Nine.
Nine.
Bastard!
Mm mm.
Eight.
Yeah!
Ho ooh!
Ten to one.
Oh!
Which is?
Another two of that one.
Another two of them will do me then.
No!
Two to one.
Just one more!
No!
Two to one!
No, you get your back.
I get my two plus my, my investment back.
Yes.
I 'm on high class anyway.
So I 'm selling these in a minute Shel.
Oh!
Anybody on middle class wan na buy them.
Who's on middle class?
No.
I am.
Oh!
Well Shel do you wan na buy them?
You got one more in the
Oh shit!
One for my own anyway cos I've got ta give you back hundred pound for that one
Five hundred!
Hundred!
No!
Hundred!
It's my own.
Oh is it?
Mhm.
Oh!
What about the Yacht Club.
Yours, I 'll have, ooh you a Yacht Club and a black burger.
Mm.
A nig-nog!
Um
Will I get in the er if I sell them back?
You don't get nothing for that.
I 'll give you fifty quid for that one.
And a hundred for the other one you get back.
No I wouldn't get more than
If I give you two hundred for the both of them together.
No!
Two hundred for that one.
Can't I
No, you don't get, you don't get anything for the membership!
Well put that one back then.
Can't I buy it off you?
Nope!
Oh you rotten thing!
And put that one back as well!
So he gets bloody
Yeah, she's got ta get one membership.
Told you you could of done it to him
after you let him buy them last time!
I was kind to you last time!
Right!
Yeah, but I 'm up now I don't want you to come up yet do I?
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Welfare payments times the
If you come up you've won haven't you?
roll of one dice.
Yeah!
Near enough.
Well then!
Oh!
She's got fifty pound!
She's got more money than you mate!
I know.
But if she comes up she's won ain't she?
Might sell it back to you.
Yeah, but she's got ta go up to win ain't she?
And if I let her out I 'm stupid aren't I?
She's won the fucking game!
Two.
I 'll have one of those.
Black Art's
You sure?
Gallery.
I 'll have one of the Black Art's Gallery.
God!
Sorry!
Die quietly!
Stock Exchange again!
Gary!
You gon na do better for me this time Ga?
Apart from one of the Black Art's
Course I will mate!
Course I will!
Then I only need
Who's on Stock Exchange?
then.
Ta.
Two thousand back.
We want one.
One what?
Just get it!
Stop that out there!
Is that seven?
Seven.
Get your.
No, ten we want.
You sure?
That 'll do me!
Ten.
Ten.
That 'll do me!
Plus two times.
Yep!
Plus my four thousand.
Four thousand.
Give us one of them back then.
Right.
One, two, three, four, five
One, two, three.
Lovely!
I love it!
Throw the dice.
Serves you right!
A hundred times!!
I said to mysel, I said to myself
I 'm not going on that one I 'll
and now it's that!
Then you got a sa a ah you went and got
I had a!
Nine thousand!
I had a fucking policeman anyway didn't I!
I don't want to go up anyway!
Bastard!
Just got rid of all your cards!
Oh screw you!
No, fucking pissing game
Oh I 'll buy one of them!
Oh I 'll get my thousands.
You been round once?
I've been round a couple times thank you been up there ages!
Get another tape out in a minute Ju!
Aye?
Erm
Get another tape out in a minute!
six hundred.
Pay six hundred for it.
And I 'll
Typical in n it!
Go up jus to get banged back down again!
Eight.
All I need now is another card.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
I've only sold one of these
Well I want the bloody
cards at the moment!
membership or something.
You going for that card are you?
One, two, three.
I 'll buy that one.
Who's got green?
That's alright, I 'll buy that one then.
Ooh microwave oven!
I 'm not buying e, anyone else 's!
You tight sod!
No!
I 'm not
Thanks mate!
Why not?
I helped you two by giving you two thousand of mine.
No, no one
Seven.
One, two, three
no one helped me!
four, five, six
You didn't help me!
I did!
You didn't help me when you were
Lovely!
I love it!
Four hundred times
is the amount of dice.
Four hundred.
Four hundred.
Ding, ding ding ding ding.
And you got ta go all the way round the board!
, one, two, three, four, five.
Shit!
Seven.
Five hundred times
Yeah but he can't gi, so that means you can't go up cos you haven't got a chance to buy one.
Ten.
One, two
Why?
three, four, five, six, seven eight, nine
Not before you get to there!
ten.
You need to have one more to get, buy one and then go up.
Oh I don't need one of them cos I've got my
I've got my two er
things, I just need er
I only wanted a couple of laps up round there
membership and all.
I wouldn't give a shit then!
I wouldn't mind a couple!
How near am I now?
Eight.
Very close!
Two, three, four, five, six, seven
Three, four, five, six, seven eight.
Eight.!
Phil,
.
Ooh!
We, can we do it!
I 'll give it another grand on th eights.
Oh wow!
Right?
On eights?
No, wait there!
You want one or two to one.
I 'll have go on at nines alright?
Mhm.
You should of gone eight!
Seven.
Seven.
Eight.
Oh yeah, eight!
That's on eight.
Seven.
Look at that!
And you were saying about don't do you any favours, you didn't do me any when you stuck bloody five hundred on the fucking lottery!
Five thousand!
Can't do anything with it!
Five thousand!
I 'm I 'm divorced.
Five thousand Phil, and that's all I had left!
No, I made sure you had eight thousand!
seven, eight, nine, ten.
Oh!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Yeah eight times.
Oh God we're all back down on the bloody board now!
Come on then!
You got the lottery again.
Oh fucking nine hundred quid!
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo.
See you down the bottom Shel!
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo!
See you down the bottom Shel!
And you said you could play most
Four.
games with him on nights.
Go four.
You can keep hold of them can't you?
Don't need that cos I got my two
No.
things on
You got ta sell these ones now.
No you haven't!
Yeah I've got ta get rid of them cos then we're
Yeah.
bidding the bottom of that.
One, two, three, four, five, six
Right.
seven, eight, nine, ten.
I thought you keep hold of that Ju?
So you owe me a hundred pound.
I thought you could keep hold of that?
Eleven.
No!
Have I got ta give you money?
He's up to the middle class!
You have, yeah actually.
One, two, three, four five
Have a drag for the next hour!
One, two
Racetrack.
three, five!
Race, racetrack.
Four!
Four!
Five!
And racetrack.
Racetrack.
I had eleven.
Yes?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Yeah.
He's up then.
So you're selling yours Phil?
Yes.
Anyone wan na buy one?
No because I've got.
What are they lower class?
Yeah!
Lower class!
Lower class.
I 'm in the lower class.
How much?
I 'll give you fifty!
I 'll gi you hundred.
I 'll give you
hundred and fifty.
Two hundred.
Keep it!
I don't need another race.
Two hundred so er
No, two hundred and fifty!
I want a
Two hundred and fifty.
You can have it then!
We've all got ta go round once yet anyway!
Mm.
So have I!
Your go Ga!
Eight.
One, two, three, four, five, one, two, three.
Racetrack.
Racetrack.
Racetrack.
Just ten pounds.
Your money must be going quick!
I've still got
Ooh!
eighty thousand there.
He's putting ten thousand on the racetrack!
On racetrack!
Eight.
No I had eight.
Seven.
Eight it is!
He goes twel
Seventy thousand.
back?
He 's, he's got the same amount as me now.
Oh bloody hell!
Three fifty down there.
One, two, three
Gary!
, five, six, seven.
Ten thousand commission.
Right, my go is it?
Is that thunder?
Mm.
Mm.
It might be them downstairs.
Oh God!
Where am I?
You got ta go round yet.
Ten.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Shame I won on that lottery Gary!
I could put a couple of these in!
Eight.
Mm.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
!
Ah!
I want one of them Shel!
Night school diploma.
That's all I want.
Fifty pounds in n it?
Yep.
Diploma is that one is it?
And how much d' you need?
Five thousand?
Five thousand to get it.
I 'm going up next time.
When you get round to there.
Oh you got ta back past yet.
Yeah.
Oh yes, I know.
I 'll buy you card darling!
What's that, eleven?
I ain't got there yet Gary!
I've just gone
Eleven
past the bloody thing!
Yeah.
Do you want er diploma?
I can't buy it I haven't got been round.
No he's
Oh no!
go round once ain't he?
Twelve.
One, two, three, four, can I have my money?
Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
What's that one?
Somebody's got a lot of hundreds
One of mine!
Yeah I 'll
No you can't buy it!
You haven't been round yet.
Well let's see if I've got some here.
Somebody's got ta change up some hundreds.
Yeah, I've got some hundreds, here are.
Oh yeah!
I think we've got some!
Two, three, four
I've only got two!
five, six, seven
going.
eight, nine, I 'll have, I 'll have ten.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
I 'll have ten thousand.
eight, nine, ten.
I 'm on the Stock Exchange.
Oh I can't, I've only got four!
I 'll have ten thousand.
I've got five.
He's got, they've got loads!
A thousand!
Oh!
Well, sorry!
Yeah.
I 'm not that stupid!
One, two
Aren't you?
three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
I 'll have another five then.
Five thousand.
Five thousand.
No wonder I've only got a four!
And you've got them all Gary!
Right, I've got ta collect two
Trying to keep mine quiet!
hundred for going round
Yeah.
there, I 'll put that straight in on the Sto no I won't!
I 'll put It's me I ain't got enough!
Why do you want a sub here?
I was going ten thousand on the Stock Exchange.
Ju?
Mm?
Look at this!
Shel,.
Bloody awful in't it?
Mm mm!
Five.
Two!
Now I 'm on the Stock E
Keep a low one please babe.
Oh!
Eight.
You idiot!
Plus one half.
So I get a pink one and that back.
That's not as bad.
It's losing the lot!
Oh what a shame!
Eight.
What d' you mean what a shame?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Ooh, here we go again!
Yeah.
I reckon we should put a halt on this bloody hundred thousands don't you?
Twenty thousand roll of both dice for the football winnings!
Ooh!
Ooh!
These ten thousands.
What's that?
You land
One twenty
Hundred and ten pounds.
No, twenty times!
Twenty times
What twenty?
eleven.
Two hundred and twenty.
Two hundred and twenty.
Oh yes, so it is!
There are Ga.
for me weren't it?
Mm mm.
Won't you?
Mm!
That's not bad.
I don't mind.
If I hadn't have got that twenty thousand
Seven.
I would have been right down!
Seven.
One, two, three, four
Well fifteen thousand.
five, six seven.
I 'll buy it!
No, don't buy that one!
That's
No
Buy it for a thousand or whatever.
Four.
Where am I?
One, two, three, four.
What's that?
finger!
finger!
I can't buy it!
Seven hundred pound.
Well what d' you mean you can't buy it!
You haven't been round once yet!
Shit!
Nor have you.
No, I was only one away from the wedding.
Moor View?
That's in erm
I've heard of Moor View, that's in Chuddley in n it, Moor View?
Nine.
One, two, three, four, five
In n it?
six, seven, eight,
There's a Moorland View
nine.
in Buckland
Oh shit!
I need buy a new, new horse.
No, there's Moor View in Chuddley
And it's ten times roll of one dice.
I've got ta pay that have I?
Yep!
Mm.
I would have thought so darling.
They're not gon na pay you!
One!
What's on that?
Cos have you got a?
Where's the
That's mine!
Who's got the controls?
Me!
It don't matter about the
Nine.
telly.
Well turn it off then!
One, two, three, four, five
Wasting more electric!
six, seven, eight
D' you want it off?
Mm.
nine.
Credit due
Ooh it's Barbara Streisand!
You in't got any credit!
Shit hang on!
It's our Barbara!
You can't turn it up Gary!
I 'll tell you to fucking!
It's our Barbara!
I 'm telling you to fu you can switch that lamp up if you want.
What's this one?
Is this here?
That's just a blank one.
Right then..
Don't need that on.
That's better in n it?
Ooh shit!
Ooh!
Go on then, your go Ga!
That must sound disgusting!
Turn the light off.
Bang!
Your go Ga!
It 's!
Look at that!
One, two, three.
Oh!
You wan na do a porno one for them!
Ah yes, I 'm coming!
I 'm coming!
I 'm coming!
Ah!
You got it baby!
Go on.
Oh!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Ooh I've gone all hot and sweaty!
Gone all hot and sweaty!
Five.
One, two, three, four, five.
Ooh!
Oh I don't need anything!
I 'm going to get round to there!
Four.
One, two, three, four.
Football winnings.
Hundred times roll of dice.
Both dice.
You son of a
Hundred times.
One thousand two hundred.
Yep!
Hundred and twenty.
Five.
One, two, three, four, five.
Can I have oh I 'll buy that one myself.
Buy that one boyos!
Can't afford it?
Can't afford it.
Don't know if I can afford it.
Thank you.
Oh I just might be able to afford that.
Ooh!
I 'll have another go on the Stock Exchange.
Ooh!
Julie!
Oh yeah it is in n it?
No you were showing on the bottom of me aren't you?
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ten.
I 'll keep that.
That and two times.
Plus two times.
Ooh bugger me!
Bugger me!
My money's gone right up!
No I think I got ten thousand there ain't I?
Six.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
I've already passed that.
to the bloody end!
Have you?
Mm mm.
One, two, three, four
Well I had seven, you only had four.
five, six, seven
Five.
seven, eight, nine, ten.
One, two, three, four.
Ten thousand?
I 'm already past that.
I 'm over it!
I 'm over it!
Yeah, and me.
I 'll buy that one.
I mean, that's a hundred thousand!
a hundred and fifteen.
Aha, I 'm over the hundred thousand I mean.
Oh are you?
Yeah.
I 'll buy that one, who's got that one?
Me!
Me!
Three thousand.
Three hundred.
No five hundred.
Five hundred.
A, one, two
Ooh it's the necklace again!
We just got rid
Right.
of one them!
Did I lose one?
Did I
Four.
lose one?
No.
One, two
Five.
three, four
five, five, six, seven
eight, nine, eight.
Well at least I got
nine, eight.
past that.
Eight.
I've only, I've only got eight
Till the next time though!
I've miscounted now!
Did I lose one somewhere along the way?
Go on your go!
Jus, yeah I did I lost one on something didn't I?
On one of the.
Tha on the er racetrack.
Yeah, then you won again didn't you?
Did I?
Six.
Browns I don't really wan na buy that do I?
Four.
One, two, three, four.
. I 'm gon na have to change up
Big money!
some of these hundreds.
Seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six.
One, two, three, four, five
seven.
Ooh!
On the Stocks
Stock Exchange!
But I 'm going up anyway next time.
No.
No.
See the bottom of the Stock Exchange is still
Yeah!
going up!
Ah yeah, but we used to have three thousand have to go up with.
Yeah!
Ah!
Ah!
No, five thousand!
Five, yep!
So if I put, oh no it's only throwing it in n it?
No
What?
five thousand Phil.
Yeah, you wanted twenty thousand didn't you?
Eight.
Eight.
Invest plus one half.
No, go on.
Just investment.
Seven.
Seven less.
Go on.
Regain investment.
And regain investment
Oh free!
free.
total except ten.
So the ten pounds you get back in n it?
Yep!
Yeah.
Yeah, I still got er
Said to you regain investment!
And now you're up anyway in't you?
We got some stuff to.
Yeah, she's going up.
Yes I got some
Oh right!
I need some stuff.
Right!
Oh yes Ga!
Oh well Gary can't have the brown one cos that's his anyway.
No, so
Right, so yo you can can't you?
So he could, you could only get twenty Phil, so I 'll give you thirty.
Yeah, go on then!
You sell
Right!
I would have chucked more than that off, loads of it!
Alright I 'll give you a hundred!
There you go!
That's how much you would have fucking paid me anyway!
Right!
What do you, you can have either of these two.
I 'll have both of them, I 'll give you a
Shel only needs the diploma.
I 'll gi you five thousand on both.
No I won't!
Five thousand!
A thousand, I 'll gi you a thousand for them both.
Shel gon na
I paid a
How much do you
thousand just for the diploma!
So how much for the diploma?
Aye?
You don't want them up in the top the next group
Do I want
with us do you?
Do I need, I need a
You don't want them in the next group with us do you?
country club don't I, to go up?
Well just give the diploma back to.
Will the diploma take me up if I had them two?
If you bought both of them, yeah.
Yes.
That 'll take you up next time round.
You don't want that do you?
I 'm giving a thousand
They got all the money!
just for that!
They got all the money!
Well I 'll give you two for both.
That's right.
Now,.
What?
Put them in the bank.
Fair enough!
You got ta get on them haven't you?
So how much d' you get back?
Twenty in n it?
Only twenty.
Right!
No!
Ah!
I 'll remember that!
Well that's
stupid!
I wouldn't do
What?
it like that!
You did to me!
That was, I was, I was in the money!
Yeah, you said Phil said that you two have got all the money!
She sa, she needs some money doesn't she?
Four.
Yeah, but you need the money!
Mm.
Who's got the red ones?
Over two grand!
You jus, just
Who's got the red ones?
Well you made plus hundred
Those?
and twenty!
What d' you want?
Okay?
I 'll buy that one off you.
No wonder I fucking got no money
No, you make them the same as us!
in the bank!
Ooh a five hundred one!
You all chucking it away like that!
There you go!
I 'll have one of them anyway, country club.
Fifty pounds!
So shove it where the!
There are see, you've landed on it now!
Have I got a fifty pound?
It's one of them big ones, I haven't seen one of them before!
First one of them I've seen!
I didn't know we had them!
I've been seeing
We started off with them!
I've been seeing these funny yellow ones!
I don't know what they are!
Go up and go down!
The ten thousands we haven't even seen yet!
They go and go down!
They keep going then going down!
Well they're fucking doing well
Oh well!
aren't they?
Oh shit!
How can you cos they ain't got it?
Fucking ridiculous!
You got, ha, what have they got?
I got ten thousand.
You can only go what they've got.
Mm.
Probably have actually.
No you don't.
I go five thousand.
Right.
Cos they can go that actually.
And you got ta go in like Julie!
It's only cos the.
Oh my God!
I 'm not gon na do, I 'm not I 'm not going in.
You don't have to go in do you?
Yes
No.
you do.
No you don't!
Oh don't you?
You don't, no.
Don't you?
But I 'm gon na cos I 'm I 'm like that.
You go two fives?
And if you don't, I 'll I 'll cry!
You just take one of them out.
I need my to go up in a minute.
Okay.
So are you going for it or not?
Yeah.
I've still got
Five, six, seven
No, you've got ta go in it
eight.
you got ta go in it!
Everybody's got ta do it in the long run.
I've still got ten thousand.
No they haven't!
Haven't they?
But I've only just gone up anyway.
You're chickening out are?
Alright then I 'll I 'll go up.
So who's in it?
Everybody.
All of us.
All of us?
Eight.
One nice!
Sh!
He 'll take won't he the next time?
Five.
Six.
Oh I 'm winning so far!
Don't let her win Ju!
Make it a nine.
Shit!
Told you Ju!
Eight two!
Anyone wan na buy a crystal thing?
Who the hell is it?
No!
You can have it.
A crystal!
She's not been round once.
Eleven.
One, two,
Ah!
three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
D' you know what's nice?
Toast dipped in tea!
Yeah.
I got ta go all the way round yet.
Oh God!
Toast, yeah, in tea it's quite nice.
Oh toast dipped in tea, yeah!
The only trouble is you get all
Four.
butter floating on the top of you cup of tea!
One, two, three, four.
Take, and a thousand pound.
What's that one?
What's a?
Never mind one of them!
I don't need another one of them!
Mm.
You what?
Vagina!
Yeah, something like that, yeah!
Two.
That's a good start love!
I 'll have that one!
Cos I need one of them to go up.
Hundred pound.
Do I want one of them?
Do I?
Yep!
Have I got hundred pound?
But you still got ta pay up
Julie's coming on alright now aren't you?
You jammy sod!
Well not really.
Well you got a couple of yellow ones now!
No, one!
One.
Oh and the be
One, two, three
pink.
Quite a few pink.
Twenty times roll of both dice.
Two!
That's thirty thousand that's all!
Eight.
Eight.
Hundred and si, three hundred and sixty.
You still got more than me!
Oh yeah!
One sixty.
Nine.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
Ain't it gone quiet!
She daren't buy it you see!
Right.
I've had no money yet!
Oh you want money do you?
Have I been round once?
Oh!
No, you're just coming up to your first round.
I
I
ain't been round yet.
I thought I had already.
Well you must have been round because you've
Yeah.
one.
How have you been round.
I just missed that wedding.
No he in't but
No.
But
Do I need to go round.
Yeah I do don't I?
No, cos I bought them off erm somebody just go another
Yeah you just bought off me though!
one on.
Yeah.
So I got ta give you the hundred back, you got ta give me five back.
That's right!
Ha ha ha!
Cos I can't buy it can I?
Just missed the wedding by one!
I've been round already haven't I?
No idea!
Can I have my hundred please?
Yeah.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight nine!
You got a hundred on both of those?
Oh you're next to me now cos
That's one of mine Ga!
You need that.
D' you want it?
He's got ta go round yet!
Haven't been round have I?
Oh you haven't been round!
I haven't been round so I can't have it!
They just took it back off me!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Ooh!
Here we go!
Here we go!
Here we go!
Here we go!
Just you dare!
Now!
Keep them low babe!
Oh bloody hell!
No!
And again babe!
Keep them low!
That's two fours.
when you get a low one and you get seven.
Seven.
Regain investment.
Phooey!
Whoa!
Shaky, shaky Shelley!
two, three, four, five, six.
I can't buy anything yet that's why I've gone past.
Seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
And he's on the racetrack!
Oh God!
I've got ta go all the way round to get a diploma and all the way round there!
And he's doing us here boy!
The girl!
On the te
No!
They stru, he does himself.
Oh yeah!
What number?
A number nine!
Nine.
Come on baby!
Eight.
Eight.
Eight.
You should of gone for eight Phil!
What's he gone for?
Nine.
Nine!
And somebody's on
Who's awake?
Probably Vicki
Twelve.
fell down.
Look at that!
It's my twelve!
Where's the stuff then?
Put it in, put in th.
Sounds like Vicki.
.
Don't touch it!
What are you two doing?
Can't do anything with that going can we?
What are you stuffing in your, in your?
You.
What?
Take your slipper off!
I said we can't do anything with that.
It's on tape in n it?
What we're doing!
Yeah, you're don't have to talk to make the money!
I know how many things I've
He said we sho
fucking got!
he said she didn't realise the tape was on!
Who is it?
Sh!
Don't.
Who was it, Vicki?
Yeah.
I don't think so.
It's okay.
Put that back cos that's mine!
Excuse me!
No che, I 'm gon na stay in here with him while so
Yeah.
he don't fucking cheat!
That's the bags.
Go to the toilet one at a time!
Must be.
See I 'm not cheating!
I 'm next in the toilet!
Is she alright?
Who?
Julie in there?
Yeah.
What toilet?
Not in the loo!
No, she's
No, right.
gone to see Vicki!
Just going to the toilet alright?
Yeah, I know you are!
!
You can go up to the!
Don't cheat Shelly!
give diplomas don't worry!
Just under
Don't cheat!
the table for a minute!
That's cheating!
Julie.
How many for a divorce?
Is she asleep?
What did she do, fall out of bed?
Dreaming?
Well she'd got all her.
Watch them Ju!
They're cheating these two!
If you and Philip were gon na cheat then you 'd!
Philip went Philip said, shall I nick a ten thousand?
Didn't realise the tape was on!
She's got one of her cuddly toys!
I don't know which one.
I give her teddy
Oh!
bear.
Did you?
Well that's what it is then.
Oh!
And it was on the floor but she was lying on the bottle.
Lying on her bottle.
I didn't take her
So
bottle!
I did, I took her bottle back to her.
Oh course you did!
She asked me to get her
Pass me five thousand!
bottle!
Oh God!
There no toilet roll down here!
Oh my God!
You been on the shit again!
No!
No splashing the pan!
I don't know wan na re-coat it!
It was re-coated last week!
Pebble-dashed!
Oh yeah!
Len lend us one.
Just finish this.
Eight.
Six.
Can you now
What.
Can you pop down with one box tomorrow or Saturday?
What for?
Beryl's collecting up some toilet rolls from the up St Meringer for two P.
I've got two.
I 'll phone you on Monday if you want?
From work.
He won't be coming till Tuesday.
Yeah alright.
If you want.
Yeah.
I say, I wouldn't realise you see.
Can you get us some toilet rolls I put the last one in the bathroom or summit.
Well he said yesterday had we, we'd got enough and I thought we had.
Mhm.
But there's only two under there.
I shall use kitchen roll till he comes around then.
Well it's Vicki in n it!
Every time I go for a wee I en she comes with me and pulls a load off to bloody blow her nose!
Who's go is it?
Mine in n it?
Yeah.
Everybody ready?
Mm mm.
Oh shit!
Shut the kitchen light out?
Turn the se, turn the bloody kitchen
Do you want the kitchen light on or not?
Turn it off.
Shut the kitchen light off!
I put her on her back and she's gone back to sleep.
So how much were they at the Swan's then?
Nothing.
Nothing!
I had to a man with the stick earlier.
What's that?
Yeah!
Oh I du n no what he's got in there!
What's that?
Collect hundred pound go in last night.
No!
There's nine at bingo.
Which one's collected hundred pound on granddad's birthday?
Grandma's fu, grandmother's funeral!
Inherit two hundred pound.
Oh!
One, two, three, four
Shall I give him the hundred?
Is that my hundred Shel is it?
Yeah.
Didn't see you put it there.
Well I did!
Cos you're winning!
Ah, I can buy now!
Two, three, four, five, six.
Ooh!
Oh!
Yes!
Yeah, I fancy that a lot really don't I?
Is that
No, I only go five thousand.
Oh my coffee 's, coffee's gone cold now!
Ooh God!
Six, sixty.
Six, no.
Ha hoo hoo!
Five thousand!
Ooh!
Four.
Four.
Four.
No!
No!
Oh no, the other.
Eight.
Eight.
That 'll do!
Plus one half.
Not my go anyway!
Give it back!
One, two, three, four, five, six
Hundred times roll of both dice!
About hundred thousand!
No!
Don't wind him up
Ah!
!
Four.
Four.
That's mine anyway!
Say no to me!
I 'm round now I can buy can't I?
for me.
Hundred.
Been round haven't I?
I give you a hundred back
Yeah.
And the other one's
I can buy now.
yeah, hang on a minute!
No, you're only there!
No, I've been round once ain't
Yeah.
I know?
So I can
Yeah.
make that.
Hang on!
No, it's when you pass there!
Haven't I been round yet?
I've been round!
No!
I can't, I can buy can't I?
I it says on the bottom of this Phil!
Oh yeah, you were up here weren't you?
Can I buy it or not?
No, I am!
Yeah.
What?
Er
I 'll take it!
Erm
Yeah but you're not in the middle!
You're not in the middle!
Ah!
Near the.
I 'm in the middle now.
Yeah, so I can buy that off him.
Oh yes!
Yeah but I 'm on my way up there in a minute hopefully!
Oh he's in middle class isn't he?
Yes!
I can buy that
off him if I
Yeah I know!
want to.
Er
I thought if you went up and yo and yo we, you went back down you could keep your higher class.
No.
No.
You have to sell them all off.
Er
Or
how much are they, five hundred?
That's a bit of cheating!
How much is the value of this?
Well it was a hundred what one is it?
Give him two hundred of yours!
Cash.
Can I?
Yeah.
Yeah, but you can sell it me, see.
Cos she's in middle class.
Cos I 'm in the
Oh!
I've just had my own, own back.
Erm I 'll give you hundred and fifty, no higher!
How much you'd paid again was it?
Oh I paid you alimony
paid any!
Paid your alimony haven't you?
This one Phil?
Well I
Haven't you?
ain't got nuffink!
You paid your alimony?
Yeah.
Too right!
I think it's safer to be on the bottom.
Six.
Well you can't go anywhere can
Six.
you?
Six.
Time to start buying!
One, two, three, four, five, six.
on there.
Got a greeny, with a
A six.
six browny!
One, two, three, four, five, six.
Ooh I 'll have one of them!
Cos I can buy now.
That's your diploma in n it?
Yeah!
And a, I need one.
I need all of, all of them at the moment.
Seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
I could buy anyway Shel!
I've
Why?
been round once.
I've had hundred.
Well you bought that one, they were selling them off.
Mm.
Oh!
Ah!
I 'll try again.
Now you can buy.
Can't he?
Stock Exchange.
Mm.
Well come on make up your mind!
Are you trying to frighten me?
No yo
Been elevens every time!
Ooh!
Ooh!!
Six.
Lose that
Lose that quarter.
Now go on!
Eight.
Investment plus a
half.
Yeah.
Mm!
Seven.
Well we took the next
Yeah.
gon na be.
around that stuff.
Same again.
Nine.
Oh yeah, nine!
Investment plus equal amount.
Plus equal amount.
Oh well!
My God!
Oh shit!
I've gone past it again!
Five, six oh five hundred.
Right.
Need that just at the minute.
Oh God only just!
in n it?
One, two, three, four, five, ooh six!
Ooh, here we go!
Julie's on the stock exchange!
Oh no!
Eighty five.
I don't like him sat there!
Erm
I was on winning to don't I?
I know!
I tell you what this game's doing quite well!
Started about quarter
Three
to nine didn't we?
three thousand
Been going an hour.
I 'm not having that!
Well I 'll soon tell you.
Six.
No, go on.
Tape's still going again.
Back we go!
Looks like forty five minutes
That 'll do, nine.
on one e, one side of tape haven't we?
So we haven't been playing long
No, not yet
have we?
three thousand.
Right, is that all you get.
Yeah I only put in for three thousand, he got me a nine.
Yeah.
Eight.
, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
D' you want some more wine?
Phillip, six.
No.
No.
D' you want one of them?
Can't buy it!
I haven't been round once.
He ain't been round once.
I haven't got any
It's not funny anyway!
It's fucking hilarious!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
I 'll have that!
Rose's Clothes
Ooh!
or whatever it is!
There are!
Hundred pound!
A latest style suit!
And I 'm going up next go!
I can't say it yet can I?
Yeah I can.
You haven't got, you haven't got a diploma yet.
Oh yes you have!
Yes I have!
Yes I have!
Yeah you got enough.
Shut your face!
Shit!
You got ta get round to there Gary!
Yeah, but I can say it now.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So when I 'm there I can go up straight away.
Ah, ha ha!
I 'm Rosie!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!
Yes!
Rosie and Ju, Rosie and Jim!
I 'm going up next time!
How much is that?
Rosie and Jim go round
Oh, fifty pounds!
.
Rosie and Jim
Oh!
Oh it's a
Rosie and Jim!
Oh I know!
You aught to be here on bloody Monday with Vicki!
Dee dee dee, dee dee
Oh it's my go in n it?
D' you watch it?
No I don't watch
Rosie and Jim?
those things!
Ah ah ah!
One, two, oh shit!
I just like Pingu.
D' you used to watch Pingu?
You watch this look!
A little penguin!
Hundred times roll
Why what's that on that?
of both dice.
Four.
Four
Four hundred.
hundred.
Where's the name?
Bumps on at the moment in n it?
One, two
Is it?
three, four
Doo doo!
five, six, seven, eight
Oh how does the music go on Bump?
nine, ten.
Bump, bump, bump, bump.
Oh he's up!
Society weddings.
He's in the high society!
No!
No!
No!
I 'm in the low
Cheeky shit!
I 'm in there again
You ain't got nothing to sell have you Phil?
No.
Seven.
One, two, three, four
I've got ta
five, six, seven.
Oh yeah!
This is the self preservation society!
He's ain't half in't he?
Ooh nine!
Yeah.
Plus equal
Plus equal amount.
Yeah go on then.
Oh bollocks!
We're running out of these now!
Just see what it have been Shel.
Let's just see what it have been.
No, I ain't even got
You've got them all!
Shel just do whatever!
Oh eleven!
Ooh!
God!
Investment plus five times.
Ooh!
Actually the first one isn't bad.
Should have gone for two shouldn't I?
Go for number two usually.
Eleven times investment.
Five times the other investment.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Ooh racetrack!
Ooh racetrack!
Greed did get you a bit more!
When you run out of money you know the one who's got the most when you run out of money
Yeah, a hundred thousand you go down to the bo, what's left
Ten thousand.
Ten thousand I 'm getting carried away!
Ten thousand then you get rid of all the
Yeah, but there can't be there can't be enough o, enough erm te ten thousands and this has to go right up to the top.
That's right.
No!
So what we used to do, when we played with Michael
You count it up.
and Ken we used to write it down on a bit of paper who had what and who owed what and
I 'll change that for a pink one.
And I 'll
Watch her, watch her Ju!
One!
Two!
Three!
Four!
Five!
What's this for?
Racetrack.
Oh!
Oh right!
Now I 'll go for number eleven.
Ooh ooh!
Ten!
Ah!
Bye bye money!
Bye bye money!
Oh shit!
Oh balls!
Bye bye money doo doo doo doo
I 'm on the bloody black one!
Cla one of these bugger's wrong in n it?
Nine.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
Oh I 'll have one of them.
See, she's sneaking that if you
Oh I did
look.
Five hundred pound.
Did you get your two hundred?
No, you didn't give me my hu, no
Neither did I then!
whatever it is!
Nor did I!
You haven't passed it yet!
Yeah!
I went passed once, I got to wedding so I
Oh yeah!
must have.
Yeah.
Fucking hell!
Dishing out the money now aren't I?
I 'll have one of the green ones Shel?
Ooh, one of mine?
Mm.
No, green one.
How much are they?
Five hundred.
There you go!
Ooh!
A lovely video machine!
It's terrible being
Oh lovely!
I 'm gon na leave those on.
Yeah.
Yeah, bloody disgusting in n it!
Well I got about ten thousand.
Julie's got a few of them yellow ones now!
I haven't!
Only got one.
Oh, how the
Eight.
hell did you get that one?
On that er
Oh yeah!
Mm.
bloody lottery.
I've won twice ain't I?
six
Mm mm mm.
I don't think anybody's brought a brown one!
One.
Seven.
Seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Oh Shit!
What's that, taxes on what?
Pay ten
Ten times
times roll of both dice.
That 'll do me!
Seventy, seventy pound.
Well if you can't them to lose their money.
Two, three, four, fi oh gee!
Didn't want a blue one!
Is that it Shel?
Yeah.
Make sure it's all there!
I will!
Don't wan na do you
Is that
out of anything do you Ga?
Your go Shel.
No.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
A night at bingo, ooh er missus!
Ooh!
Promise that 'll be this Tuesday.
Eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Oh shit!
Fifty times roll of one dice!
Fives five fives are twenty five, two thousand
Two hundred an
five.
Two hundred and fifty!
Two hundred and fifty!
Two hundred and fifty.
Oh!
Still not there Shel!
Nice try Phil!
Aye?
Ten
Still not there.
three, four, Who bought
Seven.
mine?
Ten off you.
One, two, three
There you go.
four, five, six.
Five.
Six, seven.
Oh I might be with my change.
A thousand Shel.
Then that's going the bank.
Shel?
A thousand!
Give us a chance!
I might be with my change.
How many is it?
And I 'll had three hundred on
I got ten there.
the racecourse.
Well I might be with my cha
On an eight.
Okay?
He's going
Yeah, that's it.
three hundred on the race track for an eight.
Seven.
Seven.
Ooh that's it!
Thirty seven.
I was watching!
What was, what was that about twe
No, tha thrown that one.
Dee dee dee dee!
Seven.
That's two sevens Phil.
Cor!
Bloody hell!
That one's forty, twenty and twenty one!
Unlucky!
Well he's got eight so many other times so I thought I'd try it!
Six.
!
One, two, three, four, five, six.
When you pass
I was going up anyway, I said
Yeah.
didn't I?
So am I.
You got ta get there yet Ga!
Yeah, that 'll do me!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, it's that.
Oh well that can go on the straight on the
Right, so I got ta be, er ah, I can't come off can I?
No.
So
So you owe me?
can't we?
twenty quid and the bank owes me twenty quid.
Five.
Do I collect my thousand this time?
One, two, three
Of course.
four, yes!
And I 'm on the racetrack!
Straight on?
Yep!
That 'll do!
We 'll we 'll stick
with that!
Go on then.
Stand up.
Aye?
Seven.
I know how many's there!
I 'm!
Yeah.
You keep saying!
I 'm a.
Ten.
I just said you were losing up there.
Pi picking up a one.
So
That's six.
six thousand.
Six thousand Shel.
Well done Ju!
I wouldn't nick them!
Don't look like that!
Aye, we didn't see that!
Three.
Eight.
He did.
No we didn't, I was watching you.
One, two, three
Oh yeah?
four, five, six
seven, eight.
Phil would soon tell me.
I've go I've got ta watch
You jammy sod he's up in high class!
He's not, he's not over
Any
the top Ju!
You bastard!
You sod off!
Got anything to sell?
Nope!
One, two, three, four, five, six
You've haven't got any, hardly got any money!
one, two, three.
I was going up weren't I?
Yeah.
Sh!
Don't matter.
So I got ta give these back now ain't I?
I don't know how you're gon na
Julie's got ta pay four hundred and Phil's got ta
Julie's got ta give me
pay for one.
a hundred
How much?
Twenty.
Twenty.
And Phi, Phil's got ta give me a hundred.
Twenty.
And nobody's gon na give me nothing for that are they?
Alright.
Thank you very much.
I 'll get it Phil!
Don't worry!
Oh you little bastard!
It's alright mate!
Seven.
Don't worry about it!
Shit!
Plenty of time!
Plenty of time!
Julie's putting nothing in!
One, two
Oh no!
three, four, five, seven, oh!
It's fucking got up there now sell off all my!
Seven hundred.
I think Shel's got down to the beginning again!
You 'll be back down there in a minute!
I bloody will!
I 'm still down
He
here at the moment!
he he he will be.
You 'll get a seven!
Oh bloody hell, eleven!
One, two, three, four, five
six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.
Er, oh I 'll have one of them!
Oh good!
Five hundred, that's alright.
Thank you.
darling!
There you go!
Land on one
Mine.
of mine for a change!
Oh how about bloody
You never land on any of mine!
I 'm skint!
You know
Yeah.
never used to go up.
I 'm going up next time.
Six.
When I get past there.
But, yeah.
Right Phil!
we should still be up!
We should have won by now!
Phil you 'll be in the higher class.
Oh I can see that!
One, two, three, four, five, six, One, two
That one?
Yeah, I 'm just gon na keep going till I land on the wedding.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
It was me that went down first weren't it?
Go back down.
Yeah!
Eight.
No, I went from there
!
to there to fucking there!
Yeah, well that don't make, that don't make any difference cos I 'm going up
Your not!
and I 'm selling these off then!
I was up there, I was looking forward to my first ten thousand, I went from there to there, to fucking
Gary!
there!
It's only Gary in n it?
What?
It's only Gary that wants these.
I've got all
What?
these three.
All three?
Then I 'll have the lot!
Right!
Now then, I'd get two hundred for them
Mm.
I wouldn't get anything for that.
Mm.
So you can have the whole lot for four hundred.
You got a deal!
Cos I love you!
You bloody creep!
Getting him up there quick!
Right?
Yeah, he can go up here to fucking win that!
Give me one, give me hundred back!
Give me hundred back!
Oh yeah!
So he can!
Give me hundred back!
I ain't got hundred!
Mi, I've only got five hundreds.
I 'll let you off then!
I 'll gi you the five hundred pound.
I owe you hundred then.
Yeah, cos all he needs to buy is two of them and he's won!
I 'm going up next go.
He 'll probably go straight back down!
Thanks a bunch!
He's still got ta go all the way round the next one.
Yep!
Well it don't matter anyway!
Ten thousand.
But I 'm just letting everybody know I 'm going u, I 'm going up next time, alright?
We 'll probably find out none of this have come out
Yeah
What does she want?
another one
Oh what a shame bye bye money, put it in the bank
Yes
it's only
five to one, ooh we haven't got five of these left I don't think, one, two, three, four, five, ooh and there
j=Just in a minute you 'll
ooh
have to get me that big yellow
I've got fifteen
if I got ten before I get to the top I've won haven't I?
Because I 'm there and you're not, your money doesn't count then
Well if everybody wants to, I 'll, I 'll give everybody one of these and I 'll go up to the top
Wait till I get it
It's a good try in n it?
Cor, nine
In't that right?
Is that right I've won?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine
Not that I 'm being nasty
not the first time round
Well that's right in n it?
Six
Is that right or wrong?
one, two, three, four, five, six
I go to the top, I win if I got, if I got
Yeah, but you've got to buy two of these first
but I've got to make sure that I've got ten in't I first?
But your first time round
and you've got to have two of these for
Yeah, eight
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
how many do I need?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven ooh, ah shit
Ooh close
now I've got to go all the way round again, so no good buying nothing it's not worth it is it?
Ten, ooh
Keep going till I land on it
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten can I have my er
Ooh last one
get that yellow
Eight
bit of paper
That yellow pad there Shell
and what happened, the pen was around somewhere
Phil had the pen, Phil get the pen and will you add it up will you
cheque book, by your cheque book weren't it?
Buy that one
Oh that's one of mine
no I won't
The only ones you want to buy is the green and the black cos they're in the bank
I don't want I don't want to buy yet
that's all I've got
I know
I can't
And you can't get any more money
you need it don't you, you got, you will, what you're thinking about based on that
you're fucking out
you cunt
I missed a divorce anyway so I 'm alright
Can you get the pen, bastard
got a pen?
What do you want a pen for?
you had it
Cos there ain't any of the ten thousands left
Cos you had it
And you're going up as well ain't you?
And I 'm going up as well, but I 'm
Where'd I put the pen?
You're on
but I 'm going race track as well so I 'm on the race
It's on the book weren't it?
I 'm on the race track
On Auto Trader
I 'm on the race track now I throw the dice myself here don't I?
I go one, right, I hadn't said a number yet
I keep doing that it's all
right, I have you got the pen?
It's on there Phil
I've got to stick with eight ain't I, cos eight's got to come again six
Six
how many?
Five
five
ten
ooh the bank nearly then
something up top, so I 'm selling
Back on the bottom
so I 'm selling these come on, who wants these?
Oh nobody, cos no one's in the middle
Yeah we are, me and Phil are
Where Shell?
Oh no we're not
No we're passed
we're not in the middle
You in the middle?
No
Oh aye so he 's, he's back down there, is green owes me five hundred
The bank
Yeah
Oh shit yeah
that's olives
that's green it's five hundred
Not er, hundred, not five hundred
Not five hundred, it's only a hundred in n it?
What?
nice try Gary but it didn't work
Who's go?
Shell's go?
Mine I've got two, I've gone from one side of the wagon to the other
I keep getting there
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven
You get the last one again, ha
Oh here we go
Who's got the pad?
Me
She has
Keep count then
Five, one, two, three, four
Don't have to at the moment don't forget to call straight away
One, two, three, four, one, two, three I 'll have that one
You would of been divorced if you'd been in the middle
I can't buy, I can't buy yet
Oh a couple of twelves get me right the way round, one, two, three, four, five, six, one, two
six, one, two, three, four, five, six, ooh, I 'll have one of them oh that's not mine you could of
Who keeps puffing smoke
it's
from here
Three thousand pounds, ooh
One, two, three
oh it's only three of them little yellow ones
Yeah
golden ones
Six
Better than a kick in the teeth in n it?
Ooh what's this, this is a
One, two, three, four, five, six
ooh a Louis the X V commode
oh lend me ten thousand
Oh there's none of, oh yeah I can do these now can't I?
Yeah, do them with them can't you?
Yeah until we haven't got any
Right, now I've got to throw the dice
We've got quite a few to go
A thousand times rolling those dice
Ooh seven thousand
Give me two thousand, three thousand, give me two
That's what we like Phil see cos that means you keep all the pink ones back
five, six, seven, eight, one, two, three, four, five, one, two, oh shit can you ten thousand
Ah
Ah
you sure you don't want me to keep it?
three thousand
money comes to money I say
That's what Pam says every time your mother wins at bingo
It happened to her
and every, it's always money goes to money she was born with a silver spoon, I was born with a wooden spoon
Oh I've got to miss a go anyway haven't I?
Oh
Yes, don't cheat
I 'm being honest
Seven
That make's a change
Whoops I was on there wasn't I?
One, two, three, four, five, six, ooh, here we go
Will it be a little yellow one?
Don't know
Got a few of them though
Yeah
she must have a few of them, she's been up there a while
What?
I've got three now, I've only got three
Only
And a few fives, a few fives, look at all them fives
God she
no, cos Phil's gon na erm
Seven the game's over
What number you going for?
I 'm not, it's the stock exchange
Of course it is
That 'll do
One, two, five
That fifteen, I, I keep on doing
eight
Oops sorry
one, two,
three, four, five, six, seven, eight, might go on it
Gary, I 'll kick your arse
Oh he's on the stock exchange
That's right you want
five there
Just think, down one each side
Nine
Nine
Nine, that's equal amount
Er what?
you're investing
Yeah, go on then
What would the last number of been?
Ten, ha plus two times
It's sure to come come on then Gal
Shit Phil did I turn the fire off?
Eh?
Haven't got any credit
Phil did I turn that the fire off at home?
Soon find out when you get home won't you?
If the lights are still on
Yeah, but did I turn the bars off?
Not bad about it
The fucking dog 'll sizzle up
Well the dog 'll sizzle up, the dog
taken it over will he
Seven
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Not gon na buy anything?
what do I need?
This stuff I 'm going round and I 'm gon na get
I need a, I need another thingybob, oh shit
smiling at, oh four, that's how I go, right
You were saying you need another what in a minute?
a thousand times oh, shit, I'd better do that first oh
ah, no, you're there, you're there, you are on stock exchange, is she?
Yeah I was then I had three, yeah, good
Oh
I was just about to get rid of that
Oh shucks
Six, one, two, three, four, five, six, I 'll buy that one
Ooh
yeah
ooh
I say you wouldn't buy mine
No I won't buy it
Six, one, two, three, four, five
Oh I thought you were going down then Gary
Ten, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten ten, oh, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten and I've already got one of them, thank you
Is the iron off?
five, one, two, three, four, missed the fucking taxes thank Christ for that
six, one, two, three, four, five, six
Yeah, you seemed to gain your ten thousand don't you, then you lose it
three there
Oh one, two, three, two hundred quid, wow six
put
one, two, three, four, five, six
Six, now I 'll have one of them, that's yours Phil cos I need another one
Do I have to sell it?
Yeah, but he was a bastard to you wasn't he?
Of course you do
Yeah, you didn't want one of mine did you?
No, nor mine, you should of
There you go
Three thousand
Yes I know, this'll make me sick
Go at it with a fast engine
Yeah
Yeah go round about
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
You want to buy me out then?
Yeah
He needs his own
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, I 'll buy that one then
No you can't, cos you haven't been round
You haven't been round yet
I have
that's your first time of going round, no
I have
you haven't
I've been round once, of course I've been round once you pratt
No you haven't, you only collected a thousand
The second one, yeah
that's your first time round, we've only been round twice
Yeah
What?
I've been round twice ain't I?
No not yet
On that pokey little, er I think I have you know I think you find that I have, I have
One, two, three, four, five
I've been on stock exchange at least once
oh race track, ooh
I think you 'll find that I have, tell you the truth I think you 'll find that I have
two thousand
but no I don't, I don't give a fuck
erm
I've been round there twice because I've swiped this, one I've been round there
number eleven again
cos I said to you last time, I said fucking, that was close weren't it?
No that was the first time round
Was it?
Ten
Put it in the bank
This bank's getting quite healthy here
it's is good in n it?
The way you've got
haven't you got nine
Nine
fifteen haven't you?
one, two, three, four something like that five, I don't need them any more
Cos you had that seven didn't you?
it's just my money I need
Seven
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Don't you want Aunty Pam's fur coat?
Do you want one of them Phil?
No I keep on landing on that one
one, two, three, four
I 'm on the stock exchange
Oh hell
Mm, mm
Borrow that
Oh shit number one spin time, five lose half of it
Get the, that's it
ooh alright
oh shit yes it did
does you too that's one plus two times
Twenty pound
What was it last time then?
Ooh
mm
ooh a shit, that's what I need, does, does that count as my go?
No
you can't go up just like that
One, two, three, four, five
Another hundred pound
Bloody hundred
Oh that's mine as well in n it?
Eleven one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven can I have ten thousand
Credit due
please Shell?
I haven't got any credit
twelve, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, can I have my
Can I have mine as well please?
I like to use the money
But you must be nearly out, two hundred thousand
Who?
ten, twenty, thirty, forty, forty five, fifty, fifty five, sixty, sixty five, seventy, seventy five, eighty, eighty one, eighty two, eighty three, eighty four, eighty five, eighty six
She's been up there a long time hasn't she?
eighty seven
I've got fifteen of them
eighty eight
She's been up there quite a long time hasn't she?
eighty nine thousand, I need another go round and another thousand pound and I've won because I've got me two thingybobs
I've got fifteen of them here and I 'm still in the bloody bottom class
And your go, your
My go already?
Gary must of got more than me though
No you've just had your go it's Julie's go
You've got a lot more than me, but
Not a lot
Where are you then, yeah, but, you're up in the high
But, he, he ain't bought anything
He can start buying now
he ain't bought all his
Yeah, but, so with that all he only needs, he only needs to get
What are you doing with a diploma?
he ain't bought any yet he just should of had that one
You don't need a diploma
but er pay back, straight back in the bank cos nobody's in that one
It's the diploma I want
you only, you only need to buy two
You don't need the diploma at the top
You need one
got ta buy two after you st, start going round
so if
No
you've been round once
I've been round twice but nobody believes me
if you manage to buy two before I get eleven thousand pounds
Yeah I've been round twice, but it doesn't matter
a hundred thousand yeah, yeah yeah you want eleven thousand
yeah if you manage to buy two things before I make eleven thousand you've beat me.
I know, I've been round twice that's what I 'm trying to say
Seven
Oh I would of won by now, but somebody cheated
one, two, three, four five, six, seven oh shit
me and my big mouth
I've just got ta say Shelly
So that's the ten thousand gone
can you handle a lot of money?
I need twenty one thousand
But I 'm the winner
Now, hang on
I've only got ta go back down
hang on
again haven't I?
Er
Oh pissed off then
where are one, we're up in the high aren't we?
yeah, but Gary needs them you, you need the green one and Gary needs both so
My blue one's there
Just give Phil's back and give the bank's back
Just give me, give me a bill for that
No because that means you've won
No cos like, no I ain't
Phil's got a long way to go actually
Give me, give me a bill for that
So do you want the green man Phil?
Yeah
Now it was three thousand weren't it?
How much did the bank give me?
Five hundred
Five hundred you can have it for fifteen hundred
Go on then and I 'll have mine back for five hundred, yeah
Yeah cos you've had a
so two thousand for the lot
Yeah, cos you've still only got one then haven't you?
And you 'll want that, right, thank you very much
and I 'm back in it?
It's gone your fireworks in it?
Yeah I see if you had it Gary you would of won
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven race course
Race track
fuck this, ah shit I 'm
at the race course
You can just say that
Yeah, but you're not stupid enough to sell them to me would you?
Cor I 'm so fucking poor
No
Ten
Three
three, seven
Put it in the bank
Give it to me
seven
give it to me then Shell, give it to me, have I had mine?
Oh so I 'm bloody back down again
Yeah you've had yours
Four, one, two, three, four
Wait a minute that's mine
I 've, I've oh shit that's one of my own
I've never had one of my own before
One, two, three, four, five, six, oh
I've got to go all the bloody way round before I can buy anything.
Six, one, two, three, four, five, six, oh shit
This is better than
nine, one, two, three, four, five, six
seven, eight, nine, I've put, erm yeah I, er, no, I can buy that one can't I?
Mm, mm
Mm, mm
Yeah, I 'll buy that one
Why don't you use three of the other ones?
Yeah, I 'll use three thousand
How many more do you need Phil?
I've got about forty five thousand
fifty thousand I've got oh shit, roll again
Oh, one, two, three, four
at least I know I haven't got to worry about divorce
five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten
Do I get a card?
at least I know I haven't got to worry about a divorce
No not this time though
oh yeah, yeah
What's that?
Seven, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven Ascot fruit stake, ticket on a horse roll a double and you win a thousand pounds, roll an even and you win two hundred, roll an odd and you
We haven't landed on that yet have we?
No
Oh shit you've won a thousand pounds
even, oh yeah double that's the way to do it
no thank you or nothing
Thank you very much
I 'm alright, I 'm safe
Gal
up there
you can win
Yeah, but you wouldn't do it would you?
Are you gon na be nasty to us?
Well we could we could start all over again then couldn't we?
Why we've got it, yeah, whatever, yeah whatever going you've got in there
You don't have to sell them back to him
he's gon na win anyway
But why?
Not yet
in two rounds
Not yet I 'm not
No
right
I could get up there before he buys
alright
anything
Alright
Not likely, but I might, I need one, two, three, four
it's up to you
five, six, seven, eight
if you want to finish it, depends if you want to finish it
How many tens of boxes have you got?
Like that
I think I could just do it
Sex, that sex maniac card game
Yeah, but you see he's still got ta find two
Yeah
so that's gon na cost him six thousand of what he's got
yeah I know
So how much you got?
I 'm not quite sure I 'm counting actually
I'd say I've got ten, plus my bits that's why I've got to stay up here a bit longer really in n it?
Erm, where am I, I 'm on there, so what is it a thousand, do you want to pay my bill?
I've won then haven't I?
Yeah, then we start the game again don't we?
What about a game of that sex maniac
No I 'm not playing sex maniac so
Mother bought that for me for Chris for us for Christmas and you've never played it?
Do you want to?
I don't mind
Do you want to finish it or not?
No you see I, see how I go for a minute
Right, then we 'll wait a bit longer
So you're gon na pay his bill for those?
For that one?
No I don't wan na do it cos I wan na go up there, I wan na win
Right sorry
Phillip you dickhead
I 'm not being nasty I 'll give him the money, but
I was on there
I just didn't want to fill that, I wan na win fair and square
I wan na win through, somebody give me his cards
Five hundred each one
One was a diploma I think
No, not up on the top one
no, was er black
not one I see no cos you've got that my last
I did
That's what that diploma was, you know, paid me for it for that five hun, that's what it was
Ah, I've been using me credit cards
for the art gallery
No you had two like that, er I hope we don't break down going home Phillip so I 'll feel a twat walking around with your work socks
work socks and slippers
Stock exchange, I 'm on nine
You see he could lose the lot now Phil
No he won't, he's erm, erm
I 'm not stupid
he's not collecting ten pounds
You going to invest money?
What's that seven?
No no I
or not
Yes
That's a house
What's that?
Could of thrown them a bit, bit better than that, give them a fucking shake and I 'll just
Why couldn't I of kept the exam
cheating shit
bad loser that's your trouble
You don't want your ten thousand to pass under it
One, two, three, four, five, six
No I haven't had that yet my ten thousand for passing er she takes her two hundred though from my ten thousand
Right and I 'll erm
you watch them
race track
good on
and I 'll have one of these cos I
Ooh
that one I've got
decisions, decisions
Eleven, ha, oh shit that would mean twenty to one
That was close weren't it?
oh fucking hell
Cor that was even closer weren't it?
Oop, I moved your pen
what a shame put it in the bank
Shit
Ten
Bye bye money, give me that in a minute will you?
I 'll have it back in a minute
Six, one, two, three, four, five, six, I ain't gone bloody round yet
Fifty one thousand I've got, more than that
I've got, let's see
Eight
I haven't bought one up there yet I think
one, two, three
four, five, six
His face then
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, I 'll buy that one whatever that may be, olives, olives, olives whoever she is
Olives that's Shell's
Is it?
Mm, mm
Do I need it?
Ooh diamonds for investment, ah give me the money for them
yeah
Piss off
Cos I think we're all in for a chance to getting it now, fifty thousand
No we're not, cos he's only got to get another one yes, yes, bastard, one, two, three, four, five
But I've got to go round to that again haven't I?
Ah?
Haven't I go to go back round or not?
No
When I've got them all?
as soon as you've got the money you win
Soon as you've got them all
Mm
and the money, I win she's close but she's on
Eighty three thousand
Yeah, but you're one below me aren't you now?
Yeah
What a shame
I've got fourteen and
Seven, one, two, three, four, five, six
What a shame, yeah, you in front of me, what a shame
seven
money wise, but you're not now are you?
You, you, you're what you
I can't buy yet, I haven't passed the middle
call shit at the bottom aren't you?
Five, yeah, five, one, two, three, four, five
I don't know why I didn't start buying them actually
Oh you wanted that Phil
Could of got that Ascot thing, should apologize for making her take, give him a grand
Three
Fifty pounds
Yeah
What a shame
Oh, is that a one?
You 'll have to throw that one again cos nobody can tell, one, one, one, ah got it
Give me, me a a yellow one
My money
Need a yellow one on top how I love you chicken pots
One, two, three, four, five, si oh god
Five, one, two, three, forty, five, put for winnings a hundred times roll of both dice
Go on babe, go for it babe
Seven hundred
just dar
Darts you were gon na say weren't you?
seven
Thank you
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven
I never did much fucking look at that
five, taxes, one, two, three, four, five
I was saying I hope I don't go on five, hope I don't go on five, what do I fucking end up, on five
seven thousand
seven thousand
Cor can I afford it?
He can have light yellow ones
yeah, go on, cos I 'll get them back in a minute won't I?
And you've still got another ten thousand I think
I think so, I think could just, no I haven't got the ten thousand I 'm just under
Ah, I've got to miss a go haven't I?
Could of lost that four didn't I
Ah yeah
in one go?
Oh no
So you haven't got a hundred thousand?
Ten, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, oh golly here we go again
She has, she has but she's at the bottom, so if she give me three of hers I'd be alright, ha
Art show, fifty quid
Jul I want three of yours, will you give me three of yours
Ah, sod off
Go on I 'll make you a drink
Eight, one, two, three, four
What you doing?
That's mine
There are
Cor I shouldn't of been there I think I should of been the next one along
Three, four, five, six, seven, eight I start mine again then six
Six, one, two, three, four, five, six
You've already got one er one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine
Oh god why can't there be a
seven, one, two, three, four, oh that's not
you were on there
I was on there weren't I one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, I still can't bloody buy, and I need er thousand pounds please Shell
I can I don't know
I can't I haven't been bloody, yeah you have now, I've still got ta get to there yet before I can bloody buy anything
Eleven, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, I 'll buy that one, er what's that?
Two hundred
One, two leave the stock exchange again, at last I won this
Mm
You gon na keep going?
Yeah, but fucking shake them Shell, don't cheat
Shit
Oh bloody hell
I 'll have that investment plan ten times
That's ten times
That means he's got ta have
I 've, I've won haven't I, I reckon?
a hundred thousand
All I've got to do now is
two, three, four, now five
You haven't got enough have you?
six, seven, eight
Oh yeah
nine, ten, why don't you just take the whole bank
What and use
there you go
Think I should win then
There are Phil that's yours
two ten, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten
Do you want to change it to fifteen hundred thousand?
Yeah, I 'm only ten away from that
The only trouble is I wanted a seven, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven I haven't got
change it then
Ten
I want to buy in a minute
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine
a hundred times Phil
Nice one mate a nice low one
Nine, nine hundred
Six
I thought that was two then
six, one, two, three, four, five, I 'll buy that one, then I've won
That's the game over then
Mm, yeah
cos I've got about, cos I can double it and treble it again I reckon, I can, cos I had fifteen
Let's see if I can get the same then
I had fifteen before I had the ten Shell
No
Can I have fifteen, shall I carry on?
Is that, how much you got there?
You owe me three thousand first
What for?
For this, cos you
Oh we, were gon na do all that first are we?
No, you, I, you just bought that a new cos you've just landed on it
I've won
Yeah I know you've won
Well then so I haven't got to give you nothing
No, okay
I've come second
See, no, no you don't, you've got to count up
Well Shell's bank has come second
Yeah even though she's down on the bottom she's bound to of come second
And me and Phil come
I've probably got more than you here
You haven't
Yeah
I think, you can't, how can you
No, not if he's won
Oh no, he's just won
He's just won on the houses ain't he?
Plus I already had that, plus I had another five I didn't tell you about, I had fifteen when you said you had fifteen, look, one there's me first ten
Eighty, ninety
I've only got two of them
Fifteen, sixteen
no eighty, eighty two fifty, erm, eighty two thousand and fif, no eighty thousand two hundred and fifty
sixteen hundred thousand whatever it is
Four, five
and a hundred and
six, seven, eight, nine
You had more or less double what I did didn't you?
ten
Yeah
I've double, I've got twenty, I've got two plus one
Right, put them into er
Two, three
Oh don't worry about putting them in piles, they only get chucked in the bottom of the box
four
Oh do they?
Yeah
hang on four, five, hang on I 'm still going Shell
aargh
mine's disgusting as well
Five six, seven, I say again seven, no I 'm not, hang on eight, I 'm twenty eight, two hundred and eighty thousand there
That would just about buy er, a three bedroomed house
It would would it?
Pity it isn't real really in n it?
And a bit of change and a bit of change, a bit of pocket money
That's what Phil's got in n it Phil?
You've got pocket money
I, I have er fifty five thousand
That was a long game actually
Yes I've known
Don't want to start do we?
What are we gon na do?
Gon na have a game of that?
Whatever, I 'm gon na for a piss first
What?
So you can cheat now, I don't care, yes so I had, I had fifty before I had the ten Shell
Have another game of this Shell?
I don't mind
Show Gary how to
I was just waiting
We didn't need that put that back in there
Oh there's the spastic spaky band here
Mm, mm
never mind
now your, is your job alright now then Phil?
Yeah
Yeah they've taken on extra staff
Are they?
I would think so anyway
Yeah that he just, he asked Gary this morning if he was looking for a job
Asked Gary I would think they're taking on extra staff
you've been told you've been training people ain't you?
I haven't been told that, but
What night?
yeah I would think so nights or days I would of thought nothing's been really said about what's happening on that yet, not till the end of towards the end of the
get offered the job first don't they?
Yeah they get offered the job, but, I told Gary if he puts his erm name forward, is that the Monopoly game?
Mm
Could of had a game of Monopoly
His dad was saying that er Devon Desserts were looking for a fork lift driver
have you got a fork lift?
Yeah, what sort of price is it?
Wages is it?
Du n no, he didn't say he just said they need a fork lift driver
Right, what's this game all about then?
No I was thinking, will you be able to get time off in September?
We got Monopoly, you've got Monopoly ain't you?
Did you bring Monopoly?
Yeah they have
Is it September time you wan na go to Alton Towers?
Yeah, whatever, what, was
You can get your holiday whenever you like can't you?
Yeah
Why don't, you've got to be careful now haven't you?
What ones have you booked?
Do they still count now it's changed manager?
Yeah
So what ones have you booked?
They can't stop you
I've got one booked in Oct September now
they can't stop you
I only want one day anyway, don't we?
Cos we're only going away for a weekend then aren't we?
A long weekend
Yes a long weekend
Yeah, cos you 'll want, you 'll want
You 'll only need Monday night off won't you?
We're going, we're going on a Friday
You 'll only need the
Sunday night
Sunday night off
we're going on the Friday and coming back on
And the Monday especially if we're travelling back on the Monday
we're going on the Friday morning and coming back on this
No we can't go the Friday morning
Oh no
because of the kids
we 'll go on the afternoon
because everybody else will be working
and we 're, we're going on the Friday afternoon and coming back on the Monday afternoon.
Yeah, so really driving back all that way you want Monday night off as well, you 'll be knackered
Take Monday, take Fri take Monday off as well
Take Sunday and Monday off?
cos what we 'll do we 'll go out for a meal in the evening
if we've got the money
Why don't we just go to Keith's and let him do something?
Cos they always cook for us anyway
No, eat out somewhere I think
Please yourself, we 'll go with Terry and Kath
just B and B, no, well Dot 'll probably
down there, you know what she's like
Yeah, that's what I mean
Well if not, we 'll go, eat out somewhere, it's just as cheap in n it?
Well we won't have to go to
Look how much it cost us to go to that bloody restaurant with Chris and Keith
Yeah but look how far that
not Chris and Keith, Chris and Dot
Yeah it was
Keith, Chris and Dot, no Keith didn't go, you me, your dad
Oh that's right
Chris and Dot
She 'll be alright if I come
it was only about a mile down the road that place
How far?
through the sticks, right what do you do with this game then?
Du n no, you don't win nothing
Yes you do
You don't wan na go, you don't wan na go October do you?
If your aunt asks you
To play shuffle the cards and place face down in the centre of the
No cos
playing surface
it closes in October don't it?
Cos we went there
Do you know
the last week in September and it was the last week it was open, so you're better of going near the middle or I mean the beginning or
all we've got to do is phone
the middle of September
we 'll phone Chris and Keith and ask them the best time for us to go when the kids are not there, and she 'll tell us
When do the kids, the kids go back to school the first week so if you go
First week in September
the second week in September
Yeah, well you check on that, but I think that 'll be okay won't it?
cos that's when we went weren't it?
Second week
Yeah
What do you, what do you do here then?
Cards have got to go face down on the table
Yeah, shuffle, I read that, decide who goes first, the rest following in succ er whatever, start playing in a clockwise direction
You've got ta read one of the two questions on it and there's like
the player takes the first card and looks at it, if it is a question card ask the next player, one of the two questions
Oh shit, they 're, they're all together now
if the card is the instruction card, do you know what happens if you don't get it right then?
Yeah, it just goes to the bottom of the pack, but erm there's numbers up there, you've got ta collect them to spell out sex maniac
Mm, mm
so you've got to keep hold of that
Whoever spells out sex maniac, but if you have more than nine, every card
Ah so it's the first person who spells sex maniac
Yeah
easy in n it?
every time you get a question right you pick a card, but if you have more than, once you've got more than nine cards you've got to put one at the bottom of the pack again
Yeah, but you keep them all tidy won't you?
Yeah, I 'm just trying to shuffle them to keep them together
You don't shuffle them like that you doughnut, how you shuffle cards with a pack of playing cards
Yeah they're a bit thicker than these
you stupid cow
moo
Well no how much does it work out to to stay at Kit's twelve pound a night in n it?
I du n no that, I mean you're gon na have to find out, find out if it's cheaper to stay at Keith's or not
That's for both of you
I was gon na say it's ten pound a night each at that place we saw that was lovely weren't it?
Yeah, these, these are nice, these are nice
Yeah
But you see we get
this is nice
they're all en suite rooms nice
Yeah and you've got your own showers
and some of them you've got your own toilet
got your own toilet, your own shower, now
two the double rooms got it, he's just had it all done ain't he?
Yeah, we 'll have the double rooms, yeah?
Cos they're nice aren't they?
How much?
He's alright he is
It's her uncle
they're alright
We 'll eat, we 'll eat in the dining room
you know the second week in Sept
we're not eating in the back room, he can get stuffed, we 'll eat in the posh end for a change Jul, like we did last time
If we go the second week in September, then that way we can
Well we won't when we get there, they don't do evening meal
Cor blimey that's tasty in n it?
It, it has to be the first weekend does it?
Breakfast breakfast I think
Yeah
did you have it quiet when you went?
Oh yeah it was lovely, the only trouble was we had pigs outside the fucking window and we sat there with the bacon
Yeah, but did you have a big fry up?
Yeah, but what you had
You had a choice of two cereals to start
Yeah
plus a fresh squeezed orange
Help yourself to that
great big jug of orange juice weren't it between us there?
It was only us two there weren't it?
Yeah, because it should of been fifteen pounds a night and we got it for ten
Only about, only about a mile away from the fucking
That's right it was help yourself wasn't it?
It was in Norton itself, yeah and what else did you get?
oh what about that place we stayed, we were gon na stay at?
And the stairs were like that weren't they and I said oh no way am I staying, get pissed out your head and come down them stairs and mm
Said to you, cos oh well I thought about
because we know the pubs and we can go to Queens or whatever for a few days
See open there were only, oh god remember that big posh place tripped over going in the door, we ran straight back out again
right here we go then
Yeah, right down the bottom
Right
there was a street light coming up the bloody
Who's going first then?
We're going round this way, erm Gary's first I suppose then
Julie you're first
No go on Shell
So I've got to ask you the question?
When Gary's stopped dying
I haven't stopped dying yet
Oh here we go
so this is all gon na be on there in n it?
This is where I 'm
no, leave it on Gal
I am, I am, I was just looking at it
killing herself I haven't even read it out yet
You haven't even read it out yet
you wait I've got ta ask Phil
Does it go round like that until somebody answers it?
No I only ask Julie
No, but the next one I 'm gon na ask him
Oh
Who swung over the audience on a swing and pissed all over them?
Was it A, Annie Sprinkle, B, Lulu, or C Cosi Fan Tutti?
Pissed all over them.
A, B or C?
I du n no, er B
No, that one goes it was that erm Cosi Fan Tutti
Never heard of it
yeah, right Phil
Yeah it's easier than picking the pack up in n it?
I du n no, I suppose you've got to pick the pack up ain't you?
no just keep putting them on top and when you get to the bottom
Trust me to get
that one, just start again
Clever aren't I?
No you don't
because then that 'll be at the bottom won't it?
That's right
Fucking you clever, like hell you are
I like this one what is the capital
Hold on you've got a choice of two don't forget
Oh
That's all we're gon na hear on this tape now
Bloody hell what is a Wankel?
I can't say that without laughing, right
What is a what?
A wanker or wrangle?
See him smiling what is a Wankel?
A, a rotary car engine with a triangular rotor, B a do it yourself circumcision kit or C a cuddly toy?
B
No A, a rotary car engine with a triangular rotor
I thought you would of known that
I thought you weren't gon na tell the answer
I don't know
You didn't
Yeah I did
did you?
That Fan Tutti woman pissed all over the crowd
Oh was there, I thought you was
Yeah
cos you remember it when your
If you get it right, you 'll put it to one side yeah?
Yeah you keep them
What I do?
If I get this one right it comes to me?
Yeah you keep the card
Right, give us a card then Phil
you've got to spell out sex maniac
Give us the card then Phil
that's S E X M A N I C X, no C yeah
Yes
sex maniac
Right why did Victorians put skirtings around the table legs?
A to help men get sexually aroused, B to make them make them look like women's legs, C to prevent men getting sexy aroused?
C
Oh, don't let other people see what letters you've got
That one was easier, it was orgasm or
Oh I would of got that one I would of
it's all the big words I look at
That's why you obviously don't like playing it then in n it?
I like reading them
Well he hasn't laughed yet
Who had a man obsession with a Mormon?
With a what man?
A Mormon
A Mormon
it's er a religion in n it?
A, Madonna, B, Joyce McKinny or C Donny Osmond?
C
It's not it's A
No it's B
easy that
it's a religion in n it Mormon?
How are we supposed to
Where did Marilyn Monroe say she kept her undies?
In the ice box, in the President Kenn Kennedy's pocket, or in the post?
A
B
In an ice box
I bet she had a cold cunt every morning
Frozen orgasms
she did didn't she yeah
Yeah
all your cards with the player to your right, so you've got to give me all your cards, and I've got none, so
So you get that one
You lose a fucking card Gal, that's not fair is it?
Kick her in the head
I don't get a go?
Yeah
Yeah
you can't do it that way, you just slide the pack out
So what now I get another Phil?
Cheat, no yeah of course you do, must do mustn't you?
No no you must miss out on a go, oh it doesn't say, let him have another go then
It doesn't say?
It doesn't say, no wait for it
Oh you're only allowed to have eight cards at one time
Who said sex appeal
so can you win it if you only have eight cards at one time?
You can't have all ten?
Yeah, cos like if you've got three Ss or something then you put one at the bottom of the pack and keep the card if you've got an
got to try and save up for them
What was that card again?
Swap, it was an instruction card
If this card is an instruction card it must be obeyed by the person asking the question, the instruction card is then placed at the bottom of the pack, instruction cards are ren randomly mixed with the question cards and can change directions of play, make you give to the player to the left one of your cards etcetera, if a player has more than it doesn't say.
No alright
Oh I just
who says sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got?
A, Sophia Loren, B, George Burns, or C, Terence Trent D'Arby?
C
No
Sophia Loren
I ask, one night I sat there
Julie grab that won't you?
Alright
Grab it towards you whatever, like you did that money, grab that money
One night I had some
Anyway it's number A
No it ain't don't tell me the answer
I asked all these questions to
Well I should play this with Uncle John
Oh god
If you wan na, do you want to do all the movements then?
He 'll wan na show you what, what, what these things are won't he?
What so he's
we haven't looked at that, we haven't looked at that video yet have you?
No, we asked him and he said it was with his work mates
Post, post courteous ominor ominer
Ominer
animals, est, testes
Testicles
Intestine
no, animal estesties means
Ain't the other one easier?
means A all animals are
Bollock-less
No, sad out of the bonking, all people secretly like to bonk animals
all animals are tired after bonking
C
No
A
Yeah
Embarrassed at bonking
Curious way to bonk animals
No at A he didn't want that letter anyway it was number A
Ah it's too easy for you
What is a Don Juan?
A, an ol an old on going erotic role playing game, B an attractive reckless seducer and C a drink which is consumed in one go?
B
Shit
Mm
Here we go my turn
Yeah, let's kick some ass man, what do they call a blow job cos, it's not a blow job is it?
What is a
You don't blow you suck.
what is an agent
What about a deep throat
Gary
I've seen it so, go on
What is an agent provocateur?
Not one of them
A sexual go between, a secret agent planted to seduce the enemy into misbehaving, a chemical in massage oil which makes you tingle
In a bathroom having a wank
Erm A
No, it was an agent planted to seduce the enemy into misbehaving, listen to this one, does a lollipop lady do blow jobs in blue movies, help British children across the road, display downward trends at the stock market it's fucking easy in n it?
Oh shit
What does the book, The Joy Of Sex, describe an orgasm as?
A, an enormous explosion
B, the most religious moment in a person's life
What's this?
hang on Gal, or C like jumping off a cliff into the sea
What's this one?
What does the book, The Joy Of Sex, describe an orgasm as?
I 'll give it C, I give C
No B, the most religious moment in a person's life
Oh yeah I suppose you shout oh god I 'm coming, every time that bloody thing goes off
I've got ta go and blow my nose myself before a piece comes out of it
Gary hasn't seen er, shall we, Walk on The Wild Side has he?
Du n no, don't think so
Oh god
And then she took half a roll
come on it's your turn Gary
I know she's got a big conk, but bloody hell
Oh
Right let's go
should of had the microphone out of the
Hit me with it quickly, do you want some more?
No thanks I've just had to spit me coffee back in there
You're not bloody
Erm
Well what happened?
I had a mouthful of coffee and I thought that she farting
When did she make the coffee?
No that's still the first one, urgh
That's what I made earlier
Urgh fucking hell Shell
Got a
tip your coke, why don't you tip your coffee back in there and then there's this coke
No I 'm drinking that and that's secondhand that.
What does, what does Lou, Lou Reed describe at the beginning of his song, Walk On The Wild Side?
Right, A, shave pussies
B, transvestite
Finger licking good
C, wandering down Sidney Oxford Street?
What was B?
Transvestite
C
No, B
B fucking transvestite, I thought it was
I've heard of it
What was the first one licking pussy?
No
finger licking good
first one was erm shave pussy
Oh
Shave pussy
Yeah
finger licking good
Finger licking good and wipe
under the table
Swap one card with a player of your choice, ah I swap with you cos I don't think you're the only fucker that has got one have you?
Yeah
Other than me
I ain't got one yet
Nor have I
An A for an A
Well go to the top of the class for having an A, well don't tell them what we've got Shell
Oh here we go
That other one was easy
oh which one do I go for?
It's gon na be a fucking long game and all, there's worse to come
The Three Hundred Club is for people who have A, done a South Pole streak from sauna, two thousand, oh two hundred degrees Fahrenheit to outdoors minus one hundred degrees Fahrenheit or a penis, a penis of over three hundred millimetres long or a club for people who have made love in a helicopter?
Oh I got a
Oh the last one
No the first one
Oh was it?
someone who's done a streak from a sauna to outdoors in the South Pole, mm, that's enough to turn your nibbles on
I know where number two club is, but that's about it
In a nineteen sixty eight sex survey, which men preferred small breasts?
A, depressed men, B, men who played indoor games or C, men who take their coffee black?
B
No A, depressed men
You depressed are you Phil?
Yeah, I 'm always happy darling, I shall want, I don't have black coffee, what was the other one?
Play indoor games
Yeah
Mm, you're playing an indoor game now
We do in bed don't we, that's a little game
Squash
ah, when we play
middle
I hide it and she finds it, she seeks for it anyway
yeah his eyebrows go right down don't they?
And glasses do you see?
Go on Gal give me a nice easy one
Nothing, can't even read that one through, go with this one.
Happy weekend is the name of A, a kit sold in sex shops for dirty weekends, B, a German sex magazine listing positions, or C, allow Abba L P?
I nearly said an L B
B
Yeah I
cor where'd you buy it from then?
The other one was erm, important men can get erections and it was pretty easy so I thought fuck it
fuck it I 'll give him all the easy ones don't I?
Go on then your go
You'd of got the second one wouldn't you?
I don't know
This is a good one Jul, you 'll like this one
Touch her
Yeah this is to Shell, what do you mean I 'll like it?
Er, no I, I 'm gon na do the other one, but the other one will be a laugh for work for the boys at work, but I can't say it
Say it afterwards
Yeah what is the percentage of uncircumcised men in the world?
A, eighty five percent, B, fifty five percent or C, ninety percent?
B
No it's A, but this one what were the knee pads associates brown noses you know
Oh yeah
Adrian
No
Adrian, well erm the bosses men see, they wear the knee pads every day, I say to Jack I say you got a game called Sex Maniac, he says yeah, I 'll say well you're fucking in there, knee pads associates
Your dad was quite chatty, wasn't he at work
I thought you didn't want to know
What about?
At work
Oh yeah I suppose he was in the sort of
Who reputedly sold sex for luncheon vouchers?
Aargh fucking weren't me
Quinton Crisp
Golden Wonder his name Crispen weren't it?
Frank Harris or Cynthia Payne?
Oh definitely
Cynthia Payne
yeah it had to be
Yeah it had to be didn't it?
I don't know, who is she?
She's the one who got done, that
She's the whore isn't she?
She's the one who had the whorehouse, she had the whorehouse
Yeah
Yes she's the
She's the one who did it for money
That's the one in Texas
No, she had the luncheon vouchers
she had, she had the whorehouse in Texas didn't she?
Yeah but what she call it?
Chicken, chicken something
House
chicken ranch
chicken, chicken, chicken
No what is she?
chicken whore she's a fucking
No not a whore she was named
She was a pimp
she's a something girl, she's a fucking something girl
Yeah, she's a
Oh god, yeah
she's a firm
Scarlet
I can't remember
Cos it was a chicken ranch, there was a programme on one night about it
She 's, she's she's what's it called, her
Madame Cynthia
Madame Cynthia, is that what she was, yeah?
I, I 'm trying to think, oh that's mine in n it?
What letter was that?
I 'm not telling you
A bit smokey in here
I haven't even lit them up yet
Which famous hotelier
forbade unlawful sex in their hotel?
A, Meg Richardson, from Crossroads, B, Basil Fawlty
Had this one before
or C, Charles Forte?
I 'll got for B
Yeah
Basil Fawlty
Really?
Yeah
Mm
Yes
Fawlty Towers
I've heard it before
Yeah, that was an easy one actually, cos that one was on telly
Was it, was it then?
Yeah, he went bonking with his missus every night on Fawlty Towers didn't he?
Oh no they had single beds didn't they?
Gary it's not yours
Who's go is it?
Oh oh he's looking at the card, Phil's go to Gary
See somebody could of won by now
Some of these
they're all brainy
Depends what these questions, you don't have to be fucking brainy have you, you've got to know all about sex
Yeah, but I asked a load to Phil's dad and
What's that word Jul?
he answered every single one of them right
Just tell me what that word is
Just say no more, than that shit
just say that, how's that
Need that
Ask Gary that question
Oh bloody hell
Yeah, but they're looking at this tape and they're saying cor they're a bunch of fucking thickos aren't they?
Yeah, but I wonder how many of them can answer these questions
Yeah, they 'll be
have a fucking go at that matey
Right this is Phil's question to you what is furthest titism?
Furthest titism
furthest titism
Titism
Right
Yeah
the female provarian no the female preference to male clothes, B, children, children's habit of dressing up in their own parents' clothes, C, a morbid fear of eggs?
A morbid fear of?
Eggs
E G G S you know comes out of fanny's clit
What
no, go on then
Comes out of a chicken's arse don't you mean?
Yeah, but go on, go on
a fanny's clit
Fanny, yeah
Oh, who's going first?
B
No, A, a female preference to male's clothes
Is it in your way?
Who's way
me, that was me
you've won a card have you?
Yeah
Oh yeah Basil Fawlty one
Mm
You asked if I'd got it that's how I got it, knew what it was
Fish tank I can hear
Yeah, turn it off then, just that, just turn the light out, save the electricity
How much electric does that use?
Not a lot that black box, give it a white switch, no there's a white switch at the bottom, no, on, in front, behind the, that's it.
Can you imagine playing this when you're just out your head?
What is the modern implication of pride in relation to sex?
A, slapstick, slapstick sex using flour, love of the family or pride in being gay?
B
No C
Oh how do you know they're saying the right
Yeah
You can have a look then if you don't believe me, cunt
Oh you're giving me a card are you?
I think I 'll have one of your cards
Oh for fuck sake I've got to swap one of mine for one of yours now
That's better.
You got to go again cunt
Yeah she hasn't had a question yet
Yeah, I haven't had a question
Don't shuffle with my words do I?
No
Ah, ooh shit
I thought I shuffled them quite well then, don't you?
Ah shit, which one shall I go for?
Any one, we 'll make a move soon
It's twelve o'clock
We haven't finished yet
Who is a pop singer, who is the pop singer with pierced genitals?
Mary Hopkins, Ozzie Osborne or Genesis?
Ozzie Osborne
Got ta be in n it?
No Genesis
I was gon na go for that but I thought that was too bloody obvious
The other one was
No, no I thought Ozzie Osborne
What is a merkin, a pubic wig
Cornish slang for a prostitute or a jock strap worn by, initiates in a masonic ritual?
C
C
C
It's a pubic wig
How do you know he's that bulge down there
Just what you've always wanted, oh
Pubic wig, have you ever heard of a pubic weapon
See me as a, you know when, when the bloke comes running says it's funny
did it and the chest wig comes off, you imagine with a penis, you go up with a penis and you, oh what's that she says, what's that?
Oh no, can't read that one, that's too easy
She say, what's that?
what's the opening
you can have a bit more space then Phil can't you?
Shh, shh, shh, shh, hang on a minute can't
Watch his feet Gal
what's the opening immediately behind the clitoris?
You 'll like this one Gary, is it A, the virgin
Erm
no wait for it, B, urethra P hole or C, the nook where the clitoris hides, so men can never find it
C
No B, the urethra or P hole
key hole I was gon na say
I was gon na go for that one, but the, the last one going was pretty good
Well it would of been easier for a woman to answer wouldn't it?
That would of sounded good
Cos like you always
thought that women only had two holes
They have haven't they?
Your go Phil
what are you doing Gary?
Oh a bloody fag
Yeah I 'm trying to get rid of it, bit more left though, long time, it's fucking too much
Come on
Ooze means to
What?
Sorry?
ooze
Ooze
right, which is spelt O O Z E right?
Mm
means to make love in mud, B, use bodily secretions from one part of the body on another part
Oh
C, move your feet slowly and sneakily?
A
No, C, move your feet that one was about another fucking film or something
Was it the word fucking, it 's, some of these words
Oh, who's thought up this bloody game he must be sick in the head, Paul Hammond
You need about fucking forty eight hours to get through this
Is
with butter used as a sex aid, A, MASH
B,
A, MASH, B, Out of Africa or C, The Last Tango In Paris?
C
Ooh
Paris so it's got ta be dirty in n it?
Oh here we go
what is the donkey pump a special sex position used by men with large organs an extra spare steam pump or a device used for ar artificial insemination of donkeys?
Bloody hell du n no A
No it was B
B
Oh bloody what is the black bore, oh fucking hell, a foreskin gun
cor fucking hell, that makes me cringe that does
Right Phil your turn
Oh god
Pretty serious
I still can't get over that woman pissing on the audience
Oh god they're not very good who had an I Q four times their breast size?
A, Mary Pickford her bust was thirty two inches, B, Jane Mansfield, her bust was forty three inches
Fucking lucky bitch
or C, Albert Einstein his bust was forty six inches?
I 'll go for B
C
Yeah
Got ta be C in n it?
No B Jane Mansfield, her bust was forty three
B he 's, he's got ta have more than forty, he's got ta have more
the other one was a bit, what was the love that dare not speak it's name?
Homosexuality, love between nuns, or sex
What was that?
I du n no
A
Homosexual
was it A?
Yeah
That was a guess
Let's see if I can read this one, I 'm not reading all that lot
Ooh he's trying to wank the table leg now
I 'm not
Look, look at all that, fucking reading that out
Fucking hell is that the one, is that for one answer?
Fucking hell, go for it then, we've got all night, we don't have dinner till one o'clock so it don't matter, we 'll still be sat here.
Mm
Cow's that make the tea
Come on
No, I go for this one
Oh god
it's shorter
Is Miss Brit Ekland
Brit Ekland, yeah
Ekland, talking about when she said it can handle a woman like a lift, he knew exactly where to locate the top button, one flick and we were on our way
Only one question whether she was up or down
Warren Beatty, A, Warren Beatty, B, Stan Laurel, C, Tom Cruise?
A, Warren Beatty
Another A
Thank you
Only one letter asked
We've all got two cards now haven't we?
Oh we're all getting there
No Gary's got three I think
taken us, mm, half an hour
Which monarch had a liking for sex with horses?
it's er, done that one, but it don't matter
Well do the other one then
No it's fucking longer
A, A, Frederick the Great, B, Charlie Mangly, fucking hell who's he?
and C, Catherine the Great?
B
C, Catherine the Great
She had a what?
Had to be a woman something liking to horses
Which monarch had a liking for sex with horses?
Cor, she must have a big fanny
That's why she was called Catherine the Great
especially if it's that horse out in Spain, cor his dick was dragging along the bloody floor weren't it and everyone was taking photos of it
that's why she's called Catherine the Great
Have fun
She should of fucking put
Fucking
I bet you were
Fucking horse sick more like it
What do the letters T W A T stand for?
T W A T?
Yeah twat
self help group at the, for tiny penis men
which is tiny willies are tremendous
Is that what your joining Gary?
that's what, I was gon na say that
a safer sex education manual for street walkers, which is Tuscan, Whores And Trends or the Times World Air Tours?
C
A
C
B
B
Save the sex education manual for Tuscan, Whores And Trends you were smiling then
Oh god, who's to my, you're to my right aren't you Shell?
Gal
Yeah
got ta change all of them?
Yeah
Oh so what crap have I got now?
swap all your cards
Oh I've got them two back again, ah so one of you, yeah
Right, ah god
Swap back
Swap one card with the player of your choice, so Gary
Silly really, cos er, you have that one
mm
You didn't shuffle these very well did you?
Ah
Shall we shuffle them again?
No
We get them fucking out
Then questions we've answered will come back up
We don't even need them do we?
What is not a sleazeball?
A, an annual gay party in Sidney, B, a oh I can't even say that word, hang on
make laughing, a derogatory terming degenerate or C, a penis that's so shrunken it looks like a pair of testicles?
So what is not a sleazeball?
A
No C, a penis so shrunken it looks like a pair of testicles, they 'll be killing themselves won't they?
They 'll probably go out and buy the game, oh my god it's sick
I thought you, could of stayed the night, couldn't you?
Got the dog though ain't we?
Means going back in the morning and taking him for a walk
I know but I've turned it off, so my electric bill will be sky high.
Why did Japanese stop calling their brother Turkish baths, number, nobody understood they were supposed to be brothers, brothels, sorry
and then the question, instead of the
I've said the fucking question wrong anyway
Why did the Japanese stop calling their brothels Turkish baths anyway, nobody understood they were
supposed to be brothels, the Turkish government requested it, they didn't want to, to discriminate against the Greeks
A
No B
You should ask them both questions on the card, that way we've got a better chance of getting them bloody card for yourself in n it?
no
crying over that one
Mm
What was the wet dream for
A, laundry day at Eton
B, sex festival in Amsterdam in the early seventies or C a side show at Blackpool?
B
Yeah had to be Amsterdam didn't it?
Dirty bastards, oh god
Oh bloody hell why do they have to put such long words in them?
You can piss on coke
Who threw off his clothes and danced naked in front of the Holy Art?
David king of the Jew, David Bowie or David Frost?
Bloody hell, A
A bit frosty weren't it?
Yeah it was
Had to be didn't it?
Yeah
Couldn't of been David Frost
Chuck us over a packet of crisps will you?
I 'm starving
I've got some crusts down here if you want to
What you got prawn?
Fish, only when you have a bit of sex in n it?
I like fish no thanks
No
Which Hollywood actress had alleged to have had sex with an entire football team which
included John Wayne?
A, Joan Sutherland, B, Shirley Temple or C, Clara Bow
Got ta be Shirley Temple then she loved her
who is it?
A
No C, Clara Bow
I haven't even heard of her
On the good ship lollipop oh that was Shirley Temple
The other one was a bit silly really cos it says what is not a shag?
What is not a shag?
Yeah, but it, erm, er something dance in the sixties, a med medieval something or other and something else
He always gets a crease when he's chewing, his eyebrows when he's concentrating.
How long does it take to the nearest hour for snails to bonk?
Do what?
For a snail to bonk
for snails to p=bonk
A
Just thought of something
I tell your dad cos he called you, he said that you go at a snail's pace didn't he today?
Oh yeah
When they were watching the bloody running this afternoon
Mm, A, twelve hours, B, one hour or C, twelve, twenty four hours
To what?
For snails to bonk
C
Twenty four hours
A
A
I should of gone for twelve hours
Twelve hours for a shag, my god
Be a fucking pensioner
I knew it was that one
before you
Twelve hours just to get in the right position
It is though in n it?
That's before they started
No, if he's not taking much of this in he'd wan na start talking
He's just sat there and when he starts smiling
Must take him about two weeks
Which of the following is a constant cam campaigner against censorship? oh no, not that one, who formed the British prostitutes union?
A, Lynsey Saint, Saint Clare, B, Penelope french lessons
or C, Her in Buckingham?
A
No C
C, shit
He's alright, he likes this time of night don't he?
Mm
he 'll probably sleep all night see, see if he does
No I think he had a dirty bum.
Which commandment forbids adultery?
The fifth, the seventh or none of them actually forbids it
C
No seventh
Seventh
Oh
seventh, adultery in n it?
Us being religious we would
You are not
Last commandment that is
there's only seven commandments anyway in't there?
No there's ten
Ten
I know that much
Oh god
What's the other one?
Here are Phil ready? got to clear me throat for a minute
The seventh
the why come from where he cometh
What does the expression cod piece mean?
Now are you ready for this?
Do you know he's just woken up then?
A, a fishy smell
B, a scrotum protector
or C, a play that is a hoax on another play
B
Yeah
Yes
Oh
a scrotum protector
last time I pack my
I've had that one before
Mm
not for that, I haven't heard it for that cos I've heard
Yeah I've heard that as well
I knew it was definitely one of them
that's why your clothes are always fishy when you take them off at night then?
I knew it was definitely not that
We're even-stevens at the moment, we've both got three
Mm
That's three, six
Yeah, but you've got decent letters I know damn well I haven't
I've got three different ones
Yeah I have now because I changed with Phil didn't I?
Yeah, I didn't have until I had to swap them all round
No this one will do me, what is a man?
Right
not a Gary and not a Phil
No
A, someone with X and Y chro, chromosomes
Chromosomes
chromosomes, B someone who pees standing up
or C, something with, some, someone who has testicles
Well it can't be B because Stephanie pisses standing up
What is a what chrom
What is a man?
What is a man?
He's got ta think about that
The one with X, Y chromosome, someone who pees standing up, someone who has testicles?
Two
What?
It's got ta be C
Two
It's got ta be A
No it's not
A
there is no real definition, the closest is B
Someone who stands?
I was gon na say B
Someone who pees standing up?
Yeah, but that's the closest
cos when you said
but there's no real definition
yeah but you can have a sex change and pee standing up and have testicles, but you can have the X and Y chromosomes can you?
Cos they can't transplant all your hormones as well
Well that's the answer
Excuse me you twats from the university, send us the answer
Come on Gal
Sex, sex, sex
What did
sex
You've got an A have you?
what did fraud oh Freud believe that most sons wanted to do to their mothers?
A, wet their pants wet their pants to annoy them B, suckle and C, make love to them
C
You've got ta be in the, no actually it's B
really
Mm
you wan na fuck your mother do you?
Right, go ahead
No I 'm not really
I flashed last time
Need to annoy their mums
mm
Everybody's got three have they?
Yeah
Yeah
I can't fucking read them names
Which sex magazine is now run by the founders daughter?
Playboy, Men Only or Penthouse
Penthouse
Wrong, A or B, well A and B, Playboy and Men Only
You had two chances at it
Mm I went for the wrong one oh your turn
Oh god
That's what I like about you darling you're so intelligent
What you've got?
You've got three A's have you?
What, what is a cricket?
A, a male deer, B, a clitoris or C, a picket line in a sex toy factory
What's a cricket?
Yeah that's the answer, that's the question
Mm
A
Yes you're right Phil
A male deer's a stag
No, says a male deer's a cricket
Oh I 'll know that the next time it comes up in erm
So oh, cricket
Take A Break
Mm
that was in this week's and it was a stag I haven't got this week 's, not out today
No, not until Monday, mine's delivered
either that it's funny or he can't read the fucking question
he likes this one I think
Yeah I like that, I like the sound of that one, but it's got a few big words in it
No it's got ta be this one, I might have to get someone to read out the answers
What were a crocodile's testicles and alligator's tail used for?
I can read the first question, A, spices for cooking
especial especially Dundee cake
B, you fucking read that
Oh, aphrodisiac, aphrodisiac
Mm
aphrodisiacal potions
Mm
or primitive contraceptive de, devices
B
Yeah that's right anyway
Yeah
if I knew what that fucking second word was
Aphrodisiac
I, I wouldn't know it myself, so
No aphrodisiacal, cos it's got the A, L in
It means something like erm, what it says
What was that then?
Cor who gets turned on with fucking crocodile bollocks?
You never know
Urgh, can you imagine drinking crocodile
have you seen it, is it monkey's nuts?
Er fucking, I tell you, trying could the player to your, your my
Right
That's right, give them one
Give me one of your cards
let them all out
Give me your cards dear
Get out the cooking oil
I bet he's got four different ones
Yeah
I had to do it that way didn't I?
Looks like he's choking on a crocodile's bollock there,
Right which English monarch, I 'm always getting the Monarch ones, had a had a red hot poker shoved up his royal
shoved up his royal backside?
That 's, this one's easy
This is an easy one here, A, George the Fifth, B
I 'm ready
He fucking wasn't erm ready, when that went up was he?
or C, Edward the second
That's
that
easy, I know that
C
B
It's C
Oh is it?
She does, I was gon na say this one
Not another A is it?
how many concubine King David son of Solomon have to the nearest hundred?
A, ten, seven words for ea each concubine B, two hundred, a hundred and forty was, sixty concubine
or C, a thousand, seven hundred wives or three, three hundred concubine
Fucking hell he had seven hundred wives
fucking hell, fucking hell
Oh it's a different one
Once you get to nine you can't have any more letters
Yeah you've got ta put one at the bottom of the pack
Eight in n it?
Well that's no good cos you can't spell sex maniac
Oh more than nine
It's when you get to ten you've got ta stop, you've got to put one at the bottom
Yes, so you can get, once you've got your tenth one, if you can make the word that's it
You've won, but if you can't you've got to put one at the bottom
Mm
What's concubine?
Don't know, get a dictionary
dictionary
That's fucking smart arse is and all, this one
A sexual surrogate will A, have sex with you if he can't find anyone else, all the things nobody else is prepared to do with you sexually, or teach you how to draw you the partner you want?
A
C
Oh
teach you how to draw the partner you want
Not like saying you would of got it after you did get it
Oh god here we go
What?
I 'm not saying that one cos that's what we were on about earlier
Oh the
or whatever it is
Here it is concubine
Oh hang on
woman cohabiting with a man to whom she's not married, second wife fucking hell that's er
some we had, what was it
Three hundred and fifty
dick must of fell off did you have the answer right or not?
Yeah I did, didn't I?
Yeah you got the answer though
Three hundred concubine
And how many fucking wives?
Seven hundred
Seven hundred
So he had a thousand women
A thousand
altogether
dirty bastard
Fuck me they had no telly in those days, but that's fucking beyond a joke
right ready Phil I was gon na read that one out
Jesus
but you 'll already get that
He must of been totally fucked
two a night, fucking shit
Fucking hell
very nice
Whose penis was said to be as damn near as big as his guitar?
A, er Eric Clapton, B, Keith Richard or C, Jimmy Hendricks
Oh I du n no
A
I du n no
No C
C
Jimmy Hendricks
the other one was where is the G spot located?
Yeah I know that
but I heard that er, you didn't know that
No I did
No, none of us got that one right to start with
I said in the fanny
no, we never got it right, what were the answers on that?
Inside the virgin, on the in underside of each breast or behind the knee
And that big bogey up your nose
oh
They were both castrated
they were both treated with
ex, ex, extrotic, no
Erotic
ex, yeah, erotic for homosexual symptoms, they both had VD
Oh no I've had this one
I 'm going for B but I
Yeah it is
think it's C
It's C anyway
Yeah, both had VD
How did, how did
I knew it had
they know, how did they know he had VD when he fucking died
and they, they never even found, found a fucking body
He committed suicide because he found his gas bill
how can he have VD if one bollock's in the Albert Hall?
That's baffled Phil, that's too complicated for him
No got, no I've got all got VD as well, no all got VD as well
Don't want to find
Hitler's only got one ball, the other is in the Albert Hall
his mother, the dirty bugger, a little
Okay, yeah I could of done with that
this afternoon when Eleanor were there.
What?
Yeah that was really good when stand up there
It's a serious day again
You should of heard the argument about the poll tax, that was funny
What sex aid did the Tibetan monk invent?
A, the vibrator, B, the french tickler or C, crutchless knickers
A monk
Tibetan monk I suppose that is, A, the vibrator, B, the french tickler or C, crutchless knickers
A
C
B
No C, the crutchless knickers
Oh, dirty bugger
no B the french tickler
I said B
Yes you did darling, sorry
Mm
what's a french tickler?
It's one of those fucking ticklers in n it?
It's like a feather thing in n it
It is in n it?
on the top, Ken Dodd used to have one
He did
A tickling stick, yeah
What did Ancient Roman men hold when swearing an oath?
Their penis
Their testicles
their
or their wife's tits?
Or their wife's tits
Yeah, their wife's tits
Their, their testicles
catch the pubes
Right then Phil oh
Swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but
Ha ha, squeeze, cough
give the player to your right one
squeeze, cough
Oh yeah
Give the player to your right one
One of your cards it says underneath
Just give the player to your right
That's Shell
Oh again
Mm, mm
you don't take one back, you don't take one back, just take another one
Well that takes you two up I suppose Julie, been wondering about you lately darling
No, I've only got to give you one card
Wonder why you've been funny about it
Oh Julie
What, oh
one, two, three four
oh god, swap one card with a player to your right
Right you should have that bugger back, that leaves me with four
Oh shit
oh bloody hell, I suppose you 'll give me another one, oh oh my I, how many have I got?
Two, four
she keeps on getting them don't she?
What are Chinese balls?
A device women insert up their fanny to arrange themselves, B, the dry testicles of balls which the Chinese consider a great aphrodisiac or C a venereal a venereal disease which makes your balls turn yellow
So, ask the question again?
What are Chinese balls?
Are they something that a woman inserts
They're all fucking yellow aren't they?
Yeah
up them
Eh?
or dry testicles of balls which the Chinese consider a great aphrodisiac or a venereal disease which makes your balls turn yellow?
I 'll go B, but I reckon it's C
I go B
No it's A
a device women insert up their fanny to arrange themselves
Yeah and when they move they fucking move up and down don't they?
I thought it would of been C cos they're yellow over there in't they?
Mm?
Is it, I wonder, it was on telly once
I don't know
where they shove them up
What you looking at me for?
and then they walk along and when they walk they go ooh
nearly killed herself, she stuffed a up her fanny and it stuffed all her
Reverse the directions of play
intest, all her insides up
well it would wouldn't it?
Your go
No it's Gary's go
No, change direction, reverse the direction of play
Oh it's my go, oh brilliant
Oh no
To Shell this is
In two different films, Yul Bryner and Julie Christie both have sex with the same thing, what is it?
A, a rabbit, B, a bookcase or C, a robot
B
No C, a robot
Fucking bookcase
Your go Shell
You got to read one to Gary now
fucking bookcase
Oh your turn to read one to Phillip
Oh god and again, you didn't shuffle these very well Gal
Ah this is to you, cos we've swapped directions again
I did shuffle them Jul
Mm
there's so many of those
Oh I, I read this one to you, oh fucking hell in what way is the whale's penis similar to the elephant?
It rolls up, it, it's retractable inside the body or it drops off after an orgasm
It's retractable inside the body
Yeah, have an N
There are big head
I've nearly won ain't I?
Ooh imagine it dropping off after having an orgasm
I said that though didn't I?
I said that answer, cos it, it
think of the
What did you say?
No I said A, I said the one that you said, so I got that one right
Retractable inside the body
To you now mate
oh theirs just drags along the floor
You can have that one, how many you got?
I've only got four here
What is a lipsy loop?
Tongue in and around the outside of a lovers mate, an inter-uterine device for contraception or a special type of horse race track?
Horse race track
Er loopy loo?
Mm lipsy loop
A
C
B
It's B, bet you would of got this one wouldn't you?
What is D P?
A, D P's the penis, B, double poke, C, double penetration?
Double penetration
Fucking easy in n it?
I said you would of got that one
Probably reverse it to me now
Probably reverse it again
Oh that one's not fucking clever is it?
Oh, I 'll just say this one, but it's fucking easy, what were the sex pistols?
That's fucking easy
A group
Yes, a punk group, that was one
Who edited the, who illus, illustrated presidential report of the commissioners oh I wish I didn't have to fucking read
this lot, I haven't
No it's not to me it's not
Can't I just have the other one, cos I got that one right?
No I said it was easy anyway
the commissions of, of
and pornography
A, L Camp, B, John Holmes, C Henry Kissinger
Du n no C
C
No, L Camp, A
Wouldn't of got that would you?
You could of let me have the first one
No, that one's too easy in n it?
Yeah, well we need to get the cards to win, don't we?
That was an M I wanted an M, start with sex man cos I've got the L, got that one, got that one, got that one
Blade Star is famous for her enormous breasts which she displayed while stripping, her affair with the Governor of Tennessee or her enormous feet?
A
Mm
Yeah that one was easy
well that, that's wrong actually
What's that Jul?
Well it's got here A, is her enormous breasts which she displayed while stripping right, well the answer is A and it's got her affair with, with the Governor of Louisiana where do they want, oh yeah
Oh god I've got another one of them
Yes, sorry
it's alright the other one was her affair with the Governor of Tennessee, I 'll get it right in a minute
Phillip I've got a problem where's my
I know you've got a decent hand you fucking arsehole, I've got to ask a question now as well haven't I?
At least I 'm only two away from getting them
No you're not
two away from getting all my nine, then I 'll just swap in whatever letters I want, pick out another one.
Who created Susie Cream Cheese?
Frank Zapper, The Swiss or Pretty Polly Tights and Pantyhose
A
Mm, have another M
I haven't got a fucking M my love
I gave you one of them last time didn't I?
How many have you got now?
You got
I've only got two
I only need an S too and the C
Well don't tell everybody cos then they 'll change
What, which famous writer has an obsession with his lover's farts?
Aargh
James Joyce who wrote Ulysses, Kenneth Graham who wrote The Wind in the Willows
or C Jeffrey Archer
who wrote Cain and Abel
I 'll go for B
No it's A
Wind in the Willows, it's pretty obviously it's not gon na be that one
that was you the night the doctor came round he, he nearly threw up
oh god it was, laid in bed, no joke, his fucking pants blew out that far
he went into the toilet, sits down, fucking pebbledashes the bloody place
Mm, toilets take a thrashing don't they darling?
There, ours there the last few days in it, those two being fucking bad
You mean you
Oh thank you darling, thank you for er, erm
They 'll probably send down er, a needle, have to stop the runs or something
Fucking hell, I can't say that one to her can I?
Why not?
Mm
ain't she?
Yeah, should do
Oh I like that
When, when the censorship was operated, in Hollywood, what did the amorous couple do to prevent a film from being censored?
A, not show their tongues, B, keep one foot on floor, C, profess love before kissing this one's easy as well, both of them are easy, because I've heard that before
B
No, that's wrong, A it was, yeah B it was, that's right
Oh
but the other one's how many lips does a woman have?
That's fucking easy, one, two, or three
Four
Fucking three
It's four
It's only a choice out of one, two or three Shell
It's got ta be three that's
I actually got that right
Oh yeah
bloody hell
gosh
Sorry about that
I've we 've, just, when we get home you can count my lips for me
Depends if you're down all the time or not
Where is the video porn centre of the East?
Sorry Jul
Bangkok Thailand, Manila Philippines or A C T Australia
The Philippines
B
No C Australia, that a bit
weren't it?
Ooh fucking hell which animal has the most sperm in one ejaculation?
A horse, a mink or a golden hamster
A mink
A horse has eight billion
Mm
mind you it's not surprising the size of their dicks when they get horny is it?
It's the mink that kills the er female in n it?
After he's made love to her
That's why there ain't many left in the country in n it?
What's that?
I've put down that rat races is Waddington's and
toilet rolls
Yeah Waddington 's, cos we've always been saying
ain't we?
Yeah
What just to remind you?
Yeah you wan na go to Ostens and get the address of them
Mm
What is a?
A, a
yeah for a specific part of the body, B, a sex party or C, a device for separating dogs who get locked together during sex?
B
Yeah
Oh, dogs who get locked together during sex
One, two, three, four
Your go Phil
people won't say that though will they part
five, six
, for two of them
eight
you'd part them wouldn't you?
You've got eight have you?
Yeah
Nearly all A
You've got eight?
You only need two As anyway don't you?
he had to do a swap didn't he with Shell?
Yeah and now I 'm left with four
Mm
I thought he had more than that, he was saying he's got sex man
Do you have any of them Shell?
Only about seven of the buggers
Oh dear
Oh
How many cards, how many you got Juls?
Three
Got one more than you
Alright
Oh here we go might have
Which star did er Florida, police compel to perform without moving?
Elvis Presley, Linda Lovelace or Don Johnson
C
A
A Elvis Presley
Oh, wouldn't of got that either
Here you go Jul
in n it Phil?
Yeah I know
Whose words are these?
It is in sleep that the wild beast in our nature rears up and walks about, Mary Shelley, Alice Cooper or Plato?
B
No C, the other one was a bit daft as well, a bit like that
Should of swapped with me Gal, those two are the only cards I don't need
Either change direction or reverse the play
Right ready Phil?
Oh god, give the player to your left one oh shit
You should read the last word on this
I 'm not doing very well here
Oh you're down to two now
Right, yeah, I 'm still on, down to two now, no you don't have to swap with me
Don't I?
Well I've got nine now
If you get any more you've got to put one back on the bottom of the pile
Which duke was denied entrance to a club because he was wearing trousers?
Duke Ellington, The Duke of Wellington or The Duke of Edinburgh?
Depends on which way he comes
Duke of ski pants
A
No B, you could of had the other one actually, Hoffmeister is, but I mean that's an easy one in n it?
Lager
But I didn't give you it.
Come on
Good lord
This is it, what did Victorian men do to prevent themselves getting aroused while sleeping?
Do you remember this one?
No
A, tie a string around their penis B, sleep with their penis in in a bowl of cold water
C, play with themselves before going to sleep?
C
Answer A and probably C A
Well I can have that
No, and probably C
Well then
They probably fuck and play with themselves anyway
They tied their fucking penis
No, the answer was tied string around their penis, their penis
Oh you 'll have to try that tonight then Phil
but they probably played with themselves before they fucking tied the string round, no
I think I should have that don't you everybody?
says, it says A and
No
probably
I did say A, B
look, look
no
I did say A, C didn't I?
it says A
Yeah
and then in, erm things, and probably play, play with them, the other one was erm who slept with naked woman on the, either side of the test with foul of
oh come off
upside down Ghandi
here, you've got ta fucking read upside down really have
You would of got that, you would of got that
I didn't think this game took so long
It doesn't cos how many do you need Phil?
Done with
mind, you've got to change his nappy
Yeah
Mm
I need three different letters now, no, if it, if how many letters, I need four
If you were, if you were a castratie what would you do for a living?
A, look after a harem, B, cut up meat, or C, sing?
A
C
No you cataramie
Cut up meat
is it cataramie that's what I said?
cut meat weren't it?
cataratie or something castratie er, or something, casteratie, casteratie
What is a common symptom of alcoholism?
Bigamy forgetting you already have a wife or husband, thinking you have two partners, when you only have one or permanent impudent
B
Yeah
Got three, three cards now ain't you?
yeah
What is a humby An erection on public transport, an irritating noise whilst driving a car or humming up the vagina?
Hum
hum
I 'll go for C but it's B I would of thought, I 'll go for C
It's A
A is it?
It's A, an erection on public transport
Next time you get out on the bus ask them personally if you've got a humby Is that still going?
Mm
Righto
there's not a lot I can do about that
You cut, there's your card
Ah
you are now mate, you only need one
Do you?
No, I ain't got sex, he has nearly sex
Oh don't worry about it, nor have I
I've got C
Is Gary there?
Phil's to Gary
Fucking hell, these are too easy this is you, you might not get
Good
who said she was a, as pure as er driven slush?
Julie Andrews, Olivia Newton John Tallulah Bankhead
that's what it says, torn unless you that, unless you wan na say difficult
B
No, it was the C one
Who was she?
Tallulah Banks, Banks something
No, a bit of a shaggy dogs story
Right your go Gal
Cor wouldn't of fucking got that one
What a shaggy dogs story.
Go on then
Yeah
Oh yeah, something
Ah Julie knows that one
But you have to the questions in there
Yeah
What is a butterfly kiss?
Well go on with it then
what is a daisy pal?
A, having hairy buttocks, B, a prehistoric monster with large fingers
or C, an Egyptian style of body painting?
C
Yeah, but er a butterfly kiss, light feather, feathery kissing, kissing during mid
or pattering of the skin with eye lashes?
C
C
Yeah
I should get two cards for that shouldn't I?
Ha, oh god
I've got the nine have I?
Yes I have, game in n it?
No you ain't got the right ones
He's got nine
I've got his
change hands it says till the person
change his in n it?
yeah, but he's not got the right letters
Yeah, but he's
No, but I 'm asking
he only needs a couple to get them
I only need about five
What was the philosopher Manuelle Kans when he died?
Very happy, very ill he had
or he was a virgin?
C
Yeah
That was only a guess, oh shit I don't want that
How many letters have you got?
all different letters have you got?
No, I've got three different letters and one that's the same as another
I was new before I met you
Complete the film title, prick up er, oh start again, prick up your ears, bottom or pantyhose?
Ears
Oh it's ears I think
I don't think you'd be very pleased at that
No I don't know
no, there's only one set E in sex fucking hell this is the one I wanted
he wants it as well, you need this one Gal?
It's getting late mate
One o'clock
Fucking hell
it's fucking late mate
we've been here twelve hours
it's getting late mate yeah there's better than my sandwiches, alright in n it dinner?
Yeah, this one, cos he knows quite a few, thi, few things about films so I won't say that one
Mm
that one
I don't actually I 'm not very good on films at all
In order to still his sexual passions Sir Frances took an unusual wife, what was unusual about her A, she was made of snow, B, she had no vagina, C, she lived a thousand miles away?
Yeah, well the fucking snow, gon na marry fuck all after that
I was gon na say A
No
C
A
B
Oh was it?
she was made of snow why do you think
What was the film one?
fucking cold made in fucking
Oh yeah good one
In which film does the Dustin Hoffman character has sex with both mother and daughter?
Actually I didn't fucking know that one
You still didn't get it
well which, what was the titles then Gary?
Mm
Which film does he have?
Dustin Hoffman that was
Yeah, which film does he have sex with mother and
Midnight Cowboy, The Graduate, Rainman
The Graduate
yes
Oh, thank you
Rainman was the last one and he didn't have sex with her
Yeah Tom Cruise
Very good
Very good, yeah
in that bloody film
Is that all we've
yeah
I only know that one for being a decent driver
What is a chin chin?
A, dispute in a Chinese marriage,
Chime, chime
rubbing the undersides of chins together or a toast?
B
B
A toast
Oh
See fucking chin chin
What about driving then?
Fucking, what is a dead policeman?
What is a dead policeman?
Them balls in the road
mm, slows traffic
Slows traffic
What's that got to do with sex?
Slows traffic down
What does a dead policeman do or something?
Slows traffic down
Fucking it slows, he's dead in't he?
He's dead, they all go over him fast then kill the bastard they go
Don't fucking moan when he's dead does it?
What giant sexual organ escapes in Woody Allen's film Everything You've Always Wanted To Know About Sex?
Ah, I've seen that
So have I
A, a breast, B, a penis or C a pussy
Yes C
A
Oh
have got that either
Have you ever seen a film called Jungle Burger?
Yeah, Jun, Jungle Burger?
Was it Jungle Burger with a
What is Animal Farm like?
Everyone keeps going on about the Animal Farm
Here are then Phil are you ready?
You Jane, me shave
Oh
Hanging from his fucking dick
dick, going along and sing
fucking monkey, yeah
How long was Errol Flynn's nob reputed to be to the nearest inch?
They say he was a big boy don't they?
Fifteen inches
No fucking hell it's not he's
he sat there he's going, no it's not
They reckon he was a big boy though don't they?
Twelve inches or eight inches?
Eight, no, no it's not, it's erm ha it's the first one eight
No it's twelve
It's fucking twelve
Twelve
they reckon he had a big dick didn't he?
That was the C did you want that?
Cos every time he was fucking
No
Robin Hood and Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding through the twang
it was bad fucking balls
Gal you need this one to match
Oh god here we go
Oh dear
This time next week lad you 'll be at nanny 's, you've got to be a good boy
Oh yeah it's
party in n it?
Yeah
Hope Terry and Kath will be here
Who?
My cousin, I hope they come down
These are both fucking easy, you should get, you should get this anyway
You wan na fucking bet?
I can't get, I can't get the easy ones, I get the hard ones
What happens to a male bee after he mates with the queen?
He mates with another male bee, his nob gone
He can't say it now
his, his nob drops off and then he dies, he has the bees equivalent of a cigarette?
The bee's equivalent of the cigarette
B
B yeah
Yeah alright
his nob drops off and he dies
yeah
yeah right
I knew that but I didn't know if he did
this one, this was other one what has Cher got tattooed on her backside?
A pink
A rose
a pink shuff shuffalot, lent or something
Sheverlay in n it a plant?
the words Son Sonny side up
Sunny yeah, sunny I think
or sunny, yeah
sunny
Sunny
right, or butterfly with a flower?
Butterfly and a plant
Butterfly and a plant
Yeah
Butterfly as well is it?
I knew it was a flower, I said rose didn't I?
I haven't got that one did I?
No you haven't got that one, see, that comes in handy, now you've got ten you've got to get rid of one have you?
Yeah, you need two
You need to have
As
you don't need an, that E, one of these you can chuck
Phillip
Well they swap don't they
and er one of them
so he knows
Yeah
mainly what he's got
one of them
Mm
so that's got ta go on the bottom has it?
hang on
Yeah
hang on
Oh
yeah
yeah?
So you've got sex
hang on, yeah
so you've got the sex and you've got, you need an N, that's all you need in n it?
You don't want to say it out loud Phil cos if I have to swap one of my cards I 'm not gon na give him an N
Oh you need another S
Whatever you say then Phil
Your turn to read
you haven't got an N
Give a player to your right one
You can have my card
what?
Give a player to your right one
You don't swap he, he gives you one
There's nothing that I want though for spare, cos I've probably got it
Tough titties
Swap your card with the player to your left
Mm
Swap one card with the player to your left
Was it?
Mm
Somewhere, swap another card, oh
What?
you've got to swap one to the left, Shell
Fucking hell
you've still got nine though haven't you?
Yeah he should have cos he swapped one with you ain't he?
No he just had to give me one
You're not my type darling
Oh yeah he did
I've got two of them, three of them
Wait, change hands, swap all your cards with the player of your choice
Oh bloody hell
You might as well swap with me I've got the most
How many have you got?
One, two, three, four, five
Phil's got hundreds, I've only got four
six, seven, eight
and mine aren't even
How many you've got?
Five
How many you've got?
Four bloody hell, are you feeling alright?
He reckons he's gon na answer more questions than you
Your go still?
Yeah
Swap it
Now swap your cards,
Erm you've just swapped your cards too, swap your cards to the player on your left
Shell
Oh god, I ain't got
No, what
No I need two
How many cards you've got altogether?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
How long was Napoleon's penis measured to be after his death?
A, six inches, B, twelve inches or C, one inch?
Who's
Twelve inches
One inch
shrivel don't it?
Shrivels when you're dead you soft cow
Oh does it?
Oh god Phillip
If you go in the freezer
there's no point when you die, there's no point in me
if you go in a freezer and it shrivels so then if you go in the fridge
And when you go down the aqua slide
you've got ta
in Spain it shrivels doesn't it dear?
Sticks out more
when you, when you used to go down the beach and do fucking moonies with all the
you can't find it
Come on, we're gon na have to hurry up
I 'll give my wife a chance thank you dear thank you dear
What is a seventy eight?
next to Friday
After seventy nine, one, two, three, four, seventy nine
It's not though
a Victorian tin miner, a prostitute term for a client who's quick to come, a sixty nine for on the side on?
B
Yeah
Well done darling that's your winner in n it?
Had to be didn't it?
Yeah
That's all you need now in n it?
No
Shit
you're wrong
I still need two letters
What let what's that?
I
How many cards have you got now, nine in n it?
Yeah
Yeah, she don't give them away on that
got the nine oh who said they were less worried about dying than about sex after death?
Dave Allen, Peter Sellers, Berk and Hair
Who the fuck's Berk and Hair?
I don't know
I 'll give a guess at him though
No A, Dave Allen, you didn't want that one anyway
What was that?
A or did you?
Yeah I did tell you the truth
Oh did you?
Mm, I want another A, I don't want any fucking more Ms, A
Turn that other glass drink it, I've got to drink this down, oh I won't do another thing
No, I've got
Can you re-visit?
No I don't think so
Who's nicked my cards then?
Nobody, you must of taken then with, oh you've put them in your pocket did you?
Trust us like mad
Oh yeah
You know what I've got anyway
Your turn Phil
Yeah I do
Is it for me Phil this one is it?
Yeah
Ah come on
Shell would know this one
Being easy is no good to me though
So
Who said I thought
I've got three now ain't I?
of losing my virginity as a career move?
Madonna, Clive James or Miriam Stoppard?
Miriam Stoppard
No
Madonna
Madonna
Yes
Yeah that's obvious, she's a fucking sex maniac
Yeah, mm, mm well quite an easy one that
What about is it then?
that's easy that one as well, fucking hell both of these are easy
Erm
both of these are easy
Go on
What do you need?
Quite a few
Good, I don't know which one to go for
rave up do you?
Eh?
The condom is a name the condom is named after A, single people living in condominium, B, the man who invented it Doctor Condom or C the Egyptian word for
testings
B
Yeah, you've got A, A, er that one as well what is a hermaphrodite or whatever it is?
A half man, half women, a man with two penises, a Greek goddess of love
a Greek goddess of love
A
B
Half man, half woman yeah
Oh
er something like
that's yours
have a card
Oh thank you very much
Oh dear you've got it
Oh you've got to put one back now ain't you?
Get rid of one that you don't want, don't forget there's two As in maniacs
I don't have
she gets
that's alright
Ain't you?
go to school, should of gone to King's Head
Do you need one letter or two letters then?
Two still
How many nipples did Anne Boleyn have?
This one's easy
One, two or three?
Three
Yeah
That 's, that's easy
how the hell do you have three nipples?
that's easy
Two on one tit I'd expect
I've got to get rid of another card now haven't I?
Yeah
I don't want that one either
You're winning now babe, come on
Oh shit I want this one this is to you, no
mm, what is wet wear?
Adult nappies, water resistant erotic computer games or novel about arti, oh god, a novel about artificial intelligence
C
B
B
C, have you got it?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine
You counted two instead of one then, I mean one instead of two
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, how many have you got now?
Have you got it all?
No I ain't got sex, I ain't got S, change
That's it
fucking did get a decent hand
You 'll go again Phil
I've got two fucking Es that I have
Bad tempered that, bad tempered person here
How many have I got?
You don't need this fucking one
He could of swapped with me
Not unless you want four Ms if you've got nine you can have
He had to swap with the person on his left didn't he?
Oh yeah, I still need bloody two
Come on Phil you've got ta read a question
Yeah I've got ta find a question who condemned the war between the sexes as being just a joke?
Clive James, Bonnie and Clyde, George Orwell
Just guess
Clive James
Wrong
C
B, George Orwell
Yeah cos you've never heard of him
Who's the bloke Clive James?
Clive James is the one who does that
He knows who Clive James is
Dick shit
How comes I get down to four then?
change cards to the person to your right, that's you
They've got some boots in
can I just
black one erm
Go on can I just have a look
with like, well like my browny ones really, but
Which actress has reputed to have eaten garlic before doing love scenes for, with her leading man?
A, Diana Rigg, James Bond movie, B, Kathleen Turner, Crimes of Passion, C, Kim Basinger, Basinger in Eight and a Half Weeks
Kim Basinger
A, Diana Rigg, James Bond movie
they've got like erm, laces up the back
Yeah
that you do up, nine ninety nine
the sizes though, they usually only have them in about a three and a four don't they?
They had four and fives
How much were they?
Nine ninety nine
You 'll have them back in a minute what you done with them?
Put them in order for me
All you need is
Oh how sick
Who described sex as five minutes of squelching?
Oh my god
Sid Vicious
You only have to talk quietly, it comes out so well doesn't it?
Stephanie Stephanie
Why hello there
Come on Vicki darling come to daddy, good girl, Vicki, come on let's dance, come and sit with daddy we 'll dance, yeah, come here
What happened to the tea towel?
What tea towel?
It's on top of the fridge
Can you
it's on
tidy up some of this then?
Cos I
why it's up on top of the fridge
Oh
Clifford, say hello, hello mummy
Hello mummy, Shell
and Aunty Shell and Uncle Phil
Hiya
Uncle Phil, no you don't want to eat it
Hello
hello, don't eat it
hello
hello
hi
yeah
it's er Gary
Yeah, you can't hear nothing you idiot, go on then, okay let go, let go
Do it again
Good girl
Daddy
up you get
